Some Kind of Crazy

Am I in a bad mood? I guess I am. Okay I know I am in some kind of mood. I am feeling something...not sure if it's one describable mood or if it's just a combination of emotions and the effects of disappointment. I feel underutilized in many aspects of my life. I feel restless, emotional, crazy, contemplative, unmotivated to push for what I want. I feel like I'm just existing. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe it's a bit of truth I am disappointed with.

I feel like I am capable of a lot more. I am technically always busy, but I feel like I don't make a difference. I am always doing something, working, volunteering, working out, but I am not saving the world...wow that is dramatic. But honestly, I can't be on this earth taking up space and do nothing to help out others. I have to use this big ass heart of mine some how. I need to make change, make a difference - to help.

I am a helper; a fixer; a problem solver. I feel like there is a leader inside of me that I need to harness and let out. I have an alpha personality in me that is good at delegating, good at leading, at speaking up, good at action in many ways. I have to learn how to break past my fear of making a mistake or taking a wrong turn and show that I have what it takes. I am currently hiding in the shadows taking a backseat to bigger voices, all of which I am equally as competent. I have to break past being a manager of none, a silent voice, a bunch of locked up good ideas, a passenger in my husbands company, a neglectful partner, a half ass volunteer, an artist with no canvas. I'm getting pretty sick of being so nervous; so full of anxiety. It is unbecoming and I'm throwing away my potential.

I got this email today about my application deadline approaching for the online degree program at UMASS. I keep going back to this program, knowing it is imperative that I finally finish my bachelors degree. It is vital for me to get this fucking diploma so that I feel confident and equal. I've learned everything on my own and I take pride in that, but I also feel like a spec out of every one's radar without it. 

On a side note - we have a new person at work that is very green and literally a clean slate. I've never seen a professional clean slate, and honestly while there are definite benefits to this, it completely stinks. It's a major setback. Obviously not for the manager who gets to mold the greenhorn into the perfect, subservient minion, but to the rest of the team who has to not only help educate job function but also guide in terms of work ethic. It's frustrating. And it makes me realize I am worth a lot. (Please ignore my minute of gratuitous self promotion) 

I am fucking valuable! I can anticipate need, think on my toes, make instant decisions and research anything to back it up. I am resourceful, intelligent, driven as all hell; I am a motivator and a "yes" woman. There is truly nothing I cannot do because if I don't already know how to do it I will figure it out and get it done. I am thirsty for education and training and want to manage. I am a company player but also have compassion for the team. I am value.

I don't think you can teach those qualities. What you can educate someone on is finding their voice. Finding their confidence to speak up and lead a team. I don't want to be a manager of nothing. I don't want to be a shlub; an unsuccessful and unimportant person. I don't want to be left in the shadows in any aspect of my life, professional and personal. 

I don't feel like one is really living if they are not trying to grow to be the best version of themselves. If you are stagnant you are not living life and are helping no one, most definitely not helping yourself. 

It's time for me to help myself. To show the stuff I'm made of. To live up to my high standards I set. To make it in this life and find contentment and success. 

Whew...I feel better...guess there was something inside there bringing me down... I am some kind of crazy...

Maybe It's Me

One thing that really pisses me off is lack of communication. It's so frustrating when someone is clearly affected by something and instead of addressing the issues or even acknowledging it, they just isolate. No awareness for how they affect those around them. They may not purposefully be distant, distracted, crabby, argumentative, what have you, but they are and that takes a toll on those around them. Especially those who care to help. So many people do this!

Being a naturally more emotional person, I am more greatly affected by these types of people. I hate feeling shut out by them feeling shut down. I don't deserve that. No one does. Internalizing isn't healthy; I should know from years of experience.

I have little tolerance for stupid at the moment. Of course I will not be outright bitchy to someone because they aren't doing things right or have limited comprehension; but inside I want to scream. I hate having to do twice the work to make up for some one's shortcomings or inability to listen.

But feeling like complete shit because communication is void and you're left in the dark feeling like you did something to deserve being shut out is way worse. Wondering why you are being treated so coldly and what changed in the course of a day sucks. Some one's bad mood taken out on you even if by lack of communication is the absolute worst. 

I may be shy to speak my opinion or new idea, but I will always tell you how I feel. You may not like what I have to say, but I'll never leave you hanging. I will let my bad days show; I am not perfect. But you will know if it is you or not that caused it because I will tell you. If I fuck up, tell me I fucked up. If you are upset be upfront. 

Maybe I'm doing things wrong - maybe I'm reading into things. Maybe I'm more observant to things people aren't even aware they are putting out there. Maybe they don't care about me as much as I think. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe quiet time isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm being a little kid feeling a lack of attention. Maybe it's me. 

I wish my mind would shut up and shut down and stop worrying. Stop working so hard; stop sabotaging my self esteem. I wish, I wish, I wish for more communication...

A Child's Mind

I have limited experience with children. I was raised an only child and do not have many relatives or friends with children. It wasn't until recently that I learned I have half siblings, with one as young as six turning seven. Initially I felt awkward around her, difficult to relate and unsure how to communicate. But as time passed and we saw each other more frequently things began to feel like second nature.

I spent time with my biological mother and her two daughters last night. One girl is 14 almost 15 and the other is almost 7. They are both incredible children; the almost 15 year old reminds me of my spirit and style when I was her age in the 90's. She wears the same Doc Martins as I once wore she has the same witty sarcasm that catches me off guard often. She is also beautiful. Beautiful, thick brown hair, perfect complexion, skinny little body. Kind hearted, sensitive, creative; she is incredible. 

The almost 6 year old is hilarious. An old soul and a true comedian, she is nonstop energy. I am not sure where she gets most of her material, which is well beyond comprehension of most of her peers. She is loving and timid yet outgoing and shameless at the same time. Also incredible. 

Any how, the reason I'm telling you all this is because of a question raised by the almost 7 year old in the car about grandma and her memory. The girls have a great grandma who is 92 years old and recently suffered a broken shoulder as a result of a fall in the shower. As my biological mom explained to me the situation and how dementia has made it very difficult for great grandma to cope with her injury, the almost 7 year old asked why great grandma forgets. She asked with such worry and sensitivity in her voice. To this question my biological mom explained that sometimes when you grow old your memory does not work as well as it once did. She told her that it is hard for great grandma to remember where she is and that scares her. The almost six year old asked if she is all alone and was reassured that she always has someone who loves her by her side. Feeling more confident that great grandma is being cared for she then asked why grandma doesn't have problems remembering because she is also old. The concept of dementia was then further explained in as simple terms as possible. 

There was no trouble comprehending. The almost 7 year old understood. It was incredible to witness this exchange and was a very important moment in her growth. I do not remember anyone explaining to me my grandfathers condition of Acromegaly when I was 5 when he finally died. I only remember grandpa looking funny and unable to verbally communicate. No one answered my questions about my fathers heart condition or triple bypass surgery when I was 9.

I was no longer afraid to have adult conversations with the little one. She can handle it all. 

I am so lucky to have such intelligent and dynamic half sisters. For the remainder of the evening we laughed like crazy and sang obnoxiously in the car to bad pop music. It was a perfect night and a big reminder that I am lucky to have a great extended family to top off my loving immediate family. I know I'm loved and am loving it. I am glad my life followed this path and that I am able to get to know my biological mom as a grown up; as a friend. 

Scared for Nothing

I am having a hard time blogging today. I am struggling to find a topic. I have plenty to write about on a very deep level, but I refrain because its so personal. I am afraid to really delve into the darkness of my fears and inadequacies that I'm facing. I also don't want to be such an open book. I've always been told that a woman should keep some things a mystery...I don't want to be so transparent.

But I also don't want to constantly write about topical issues that do not really address anything worth discussing. I don't want to use this blog as a bitchfest. It's more to me than that. 

I woke up this morning worried about my job. Not because I'm doing anything wrong, far from it actually. I started out my job assisting two people - the GM and the Controller. As my position developed and I became the in house graphic designer and marketing coordinator, I no longer had the time to provide the right type of assistance needed by the Controller. My ability to help him with projects became so limited that it was not fair to him. So after a few conversations it was decided that we would hire an assistant for him and I would grow in my other responsibilities. 

I was stoked! I was quite relieved to have my load lightened and be able to focus my time on advertising and projects for my GM. I was relieved to have less stress and be able to work more efficiently where it really mattered. Now it is a "be carefully what you wish for" situation. 

I'm worried. And I know it's unfounded and so ridiculous of me. My own boss has reassured me that I have nothing to worry about. But it's not common for me to give up work or projects...or control. I don't like saying no to work and feel like saying I am overwhelmed is a weakness. 

It comes from having to work my way up to where I am today. I don't gave a fancy degree to back me up or open doors - I only have hard work and merit. I have come this far because I haven't said no and have done it all on my own. I have to learn how to delegate and how to accept that this guy taking over half of my responsibility is not a threat but a blessing. It means I have other duties that are more important and more pressing. He's not going to take anything away from me that I don't want unless I stop working hard.

The dumbest part is that all this insecurity leaves me feeling like a 15 year old girl worried that I will be left out of the inner circle. As I get older I am getting more emotional and attached to meaning and it really pisses me off! I used to be so indifferent and unaffected. So cool and untouchable. I'm a big softie and I hate it.  I feel weak, vulnerable and wide open.

I used to wake up in the morning and tell myself three compliments to boost my self confidence before I left for work and am not sure why I stopped. It helps to take a moment to recognize things you consider personal triumphs and pat yourself on the back. I need to do this more. We could all stand to recognize our own beauty and talent more.

I am funny.
I am creative.
I provide good support.

It Found Me

I had a dream last night that centered around the theme of self reflection. I had to come to terms with parts of my personality that I consider flawed and had to make a difficult decision. The dream came out of nowhere but has left me thinking about the concept of obligation.

I have to go to a baby shower today completely out of obligation. I am not friends with the mother-to-be any longer; quite frankly I have not been a friend to her for years. My husband's close friends are friends with the father-to-be and so we are obligated to attend. But why? Why do I feel such a sense of obligation? 

I go to events or spend time with people a lot of the time out of obligation, but is that doing either of us any good? I don't know if I want to be with someone if they are only spending time with me because they feel they have to...

I am not perfect; not even close. I'm just a person working out the kinks. I don't have a perfect marriage, I don't have a perfect home; I don't have children; I don't have flawless looks. I am a crazy, silly, passionate person working on myself constantly, telling jokes the whole time.

I faced the reality that I am too hard on myself in my dream last night. I examined my irrational need to fix the situation and provide advice even when it isn't requested. I acknowledged my struggle for perfection and my bad habits. I came clean and bared my soul and woke up with calming tranquility. It was nice. 

I am even more so reassured that no matter what decision I make I will end up okay. There is nothing in my life I cannot get past and I will never let myself fall so far down that I cannot get back up.

In my dream I was able to get back up with the support of some loving souls who I know are genuine and have only the best thoughts for me in their hearts. Life is tricky and difficult these days in many areas, but I can't just stop moving forward. My dream confirmed that for me.

One of my fears is seeing someone I haven't seen in years and having them tell me I haven't changed at all. I believe firmly in change and personal development and refuse to be stagnant. 

With all this fresh in my train of thought I got my big ass up and headed to the gym. I didn't find my motivation today, it found me. I am working out for those I care about, for those working hard to better their lives, for the people who can't, and for a better life for myself. The only obligation I should have is to live a good life. 

Kickin' Ass and Takin' Names

I went to temple yesterday for the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah. It has been 10 years since I attended a Rosh Hashanah service. I was initially apprehensive about going, but I am glad I did for several reasons.

I used to love going to temple because it meant time with my dad. I used to love waking up early to get dressed up and go with my family to high holiday services. I especially loved sitting next to my pops because he'd tell me the occasional nerdy dad joke, keeping me entertained. I wanted to emulate my father so much and focused hard on the prayers and traditions within the service. I dutifully bowed, stood and sat on command and read the passages aloud with confidence. I was fiercely dedicated to my faith, mostly because it made my father proud. 

He has been gone 10 years this December. I have not felt a drive to attend a temple service since. I have been plagued with painful memories of his absence whenever I thought about going to temple. Somehow this year was different. 

I look at things very differently now. I decided to go to honor him. Working at a Jewish organization has brought me back to my roots and original community without me even being aware of it. One of the foundations of the Jewish faith is family and tradition and what better way to uphold both than going to temple for the holiest days of the year in honor of my dad? 

I went with work mates and took pride once again in my religion and my understanding of my history. I took pride in knowing the prayers by heart and remembering how to read them in Hebrew. Of course it was painfully long and leaned more towards the boring side of things, but I was honored to be there representing my father who couldn't be there himself. 

I also ended the week on a good note back at work today. I have such a good time at my job that it hardly feels like work. With the new Jewish year upon us I am confident that good things are to come. I am ready to push forward into the new year, atone for my wrongdoings and negative thoughts on Yom Kippur, and kill it in the year to follow. I am kicking ass and taking names and am going to make major strides towards a healthy, positive life. Hope you'll join me on the ride...

I'm Not Worthy (said like Wayne and Garth)

I can't help but think about how I got to where I am and how toed together everything is. There is also a significant amount of irony in my story. It's funny; I was raised in a conservative Jewish household and got a formal Jewish education for 11 long, agonizing years. I was taught Hebrew conversationally and forced to study Jewish law and the Torah. I was a super Jew for a long time.

Come 11th grade I decides I had enough of it all. I left my over priced Jewish high school with straight A's and a grip of extracurriculars on my academic résumé. I went to public secular high school for my senior year and completely rebelled against my upbringing. I date a gothic flunky named Morgan who took pride in a D average and having multi-colored hair. His biggest accomplishment was turning the naive Jewish kid into a gothic, pot smoking, party girl. I adorned my body in parachute raver pants, fishnet shirts with only a bra underneath, band T-shirts, combat boots, flannels and a legendary long burgundy leather trench coat. And my hair...oh it got colorful. I dyed it whatever color I thought was a good idea  while I was wasted, often representing multiple colors of the rainbow at one time. 

I still maintained decent grades, however l gave up my volleyball career on the varsity team. I gave up friendships from my previous school seeing them as preppy and prissy. I made new friends with tweakers, thugs, lost kids and band geeks. I found myself floating by, ditching more classes than I attended, never really blossoming as a senior. I numbed myself to the frustration and resentment I really felt inside with drugs and booze.

I always felt like I was not deserving of the praise I got from my family and friends. I always felt like expectations were too high and I was never going to be good enough. So I proved that I was a bad kid. It was easier to take the low road and act out. It was an escape from the pressure.

I was just talking today with a friend about the fun times in the past being a fuck up. Life was simple and nothing was ever quite as fun as riding the high and feeling complete inhibition. Nothing was as exciting as going completely wild and partying my ass off. I lived hard and experienced so much; more than most and I'm sure not as much as many.

Honestly if I died today I would die happily knowing that I had a good life with a lot of fun. I have a colorful past with a lot of luck and fortune on my side. I made it out relatively unscathed and a more enlightened, exuberant person as a result. 

I fought so hard against the Jewish aspect of my life. I never visit my father at the Jewish cemetery where he is interred; I hadn't gone to high holiday services in 8 years until last year; I blocked out my formal Hebrew education; I refused to go to Israel. I even considered converting to Catholicism at one point. But here I am back in the scene, working for a very Jewish organization. 

Somehow I have ended up going full circle back in touch with my roots and my faith, still a doubter, but back in the midst of it all. I work for a place that deals with a Jewish person's finality. It is at my job where they make their final departure into the gates of heaven. 

It's ironic how I have tried to stray so far away from my faith and end up at such an important institution that is the last stop for Jewish people. It's my last stop in many ways; at least until I get fired haha...lets hope not.

I think too many things happen too often that tie in to one another for it all to be a coincidence. I found my job while attending my step-grandfathers funeral. I felt comfort at a time of distress. I also find comfort in the relationships that have developed as a result. I work with some amazing people who I have much in common with, who make me feel valued and worthy. I've searched for self worth my entire life and it feels so good to have finally found it.