So Sorry

I am so glad it's Friday! I am literally 1 week in to school and already realizing that it's going to be a lot harder than I thought. I honestly don't know what I expected. But like friends have said, maybe I just need to get back into the swing of things again. After all, it has been like a decade since I've really had to study!

Maybe it was a result of lack of sleep for several days or stress from a non-stop schedule, but I was in a terrible mood today. I hate when it shows, especially at work. It's not a good trait and not something that belongs in the workplace. But sometimes it's hard to hide or pretend you aren't feeling. Bottom line - this week I felt overlooked by some people in a few aspects of my life and it caught up to me when time escaped me and I forgot to eat before hitting my breaking point. 

One of my pet peeves is being interrupted. It's fucking rude and makes me feel small and inconsequential. It especially pisses me off when it's someone I respect or look up to. It happened Tuesday twice - blatant disregard for someone I was in mid conversation with, their attention diverted to the interrupter. It happened a few other times yesterday. Just not my week for understanding towards this shit. 

Yesterday I pulled an 18 hour day. Awake for that long turns me into one crazy bitch. I need to focus on time management skills and find my inner chi! Goozfrabah!

There is also something bothering me deep down in my heart. I feel guilty. I stopped talking to my dads mother after my wedding. It was a choice I made because of a long, painful history of verbal abuse and other family drama. I saw her briefly almost three years ago when her husband, my step grandpa, passed away. But I have not seen her until this past weekend and it was under unfortunate circumstances. 

She suffered a decent size stroke at the age of 96 and already had progressive dementia. Now she has no clue who I am, has cognitive issues, doesn't know where she is or who has visited her most of the time. She is confused, agitated, frustrated, and just not there. My heart hurts so much because I was too stubborn to swallow my pride and make amends when she was coherent. Now she will never know that I loved the good parts of our relationship; that I cherish the happy memories with her. That I miss her and love her very much.

I am sorry for being such a bitch today and for having little patience. Tomorrow is a new day and a time for renewed confidence and inner strength. Cheers to a weekend long at last!

Showing Some Skin

Here I am day number two bustin my ass killing it on the elliptical to some Katy Perry Dark Horse... in a freakin tank top! To most this is not an accomplishment, but to me it is a giant deal. I hate my arms and have been in tattoo cover up for work for so long I have developed an insecurity for showing some skin. I have been thinking negatively for quite some time now that my arms are too far, too pale, to tattooed for public visual consumption. 

Stupid, I know. But it is what it is, until today. I feel good! I've been working out hard, especially on my arms, and I'm not going to hide anymore. Sure they are a bit looser than I would like and the are covered in tattoos. But that is who I am.

2014 is about me and accepting who I am, where I'm at, and being proud of that or working on things until I am happy. It starts here at a new gym, with the right people cheering in my corner. 

In thinking about changes I started to notice a trend reoccurring. It's hard to put into words what this tend is, so I'll give you an example. Last night I watched a movie that referenced  someone being a "book maker." I had to ask to find out that this is a bookie. Today I went to a long two hour meeting with several educated, very intimidating professionals and low and behold someone referenced "book making!" It may be small, but this is just one example out of many "coincidences" that just don't seem so coincidental anymore. I think they are subtle reassurances that  I'm in the right place at the right time in my life. That things are as they should be. 

In the prolific words of Katy Perry, "Are You Ready For A Perfect Storm?" Cause I'm coming for you world!

Who Will Get Me?

I started school this week and already it's a ton of reading. Hopefully I can find a rhythm and some steady study habits and get through the next few years painlessly. I am really looking forward to the process and to getting a degree to back up what I know I can do. 

Besides school things have been pretty much status quo. I feel like I'm really growing and changing, hopefully for the better, and hopefully so are the people around me. I am really worried that I will have changed so much I will no longer have things in common with the ones I care about. 

Just a few years ago I was partying and being a typical wild and reckless late twenty something. My friends all fit into that mix; the girl I called my best friend was never without a rum and coke in hand and was a shit talker, shot caller, party girl. I was at a dead end, abusive job that I didn't care about. I gave up on anything resembling work ethic and drank with my boss at work. Did I mention we worked with special needs kids? Well, I didn't directly work with then thank god. 

I decided one day after many shitty, emotional drunk nights full of fighting and crying that I should examine my life. I started applying for jobs and found hope again. I miraculously got the wonderful job I have now and in the transition found my confidence. I found my intelligence. I found my self worth. 

Needless to say I phased my friend out of my life to acquaintance status. After I cleaned up I realized she was still the same. Same complaints. Same lack of real motivation. Same lofty goals that lacked reality. I had changed and grown and outgrew my friends. 

I had a friend who had one goal - be a mom. I have many goals - have a good career and work hard, eventually get a BA and an MBA, travel, etc. and as I started changing I too outgrew her! 

I have since made a new group of career minded, educated, caring and dedicate friends that work hard and most importantly put as much effort into our friendship as I do. I look up to them vas respect them. 

I don't want to be distanced from them because I have to commit myself up studying. I don't want them to move away. I am sick of having to start over and have such a hard time letting people in. I'm very protective of my friendships. 

In the end I keep telling myself that I need just focus on me and things will fall into place. But who will get me? 

Don't Fear the New Year

I am finally getting out my first blog of the New Year. I was completely overwhelmed with the holidays and life events in December and did not get a chance to write a year in review recap blog I intended to do for the closing of 2013. So, to welcome the new year properly I decided to look back at the events of 2013, both highlights and challenges, in order to make 2014 a stronger, better, more successful year.

2013 had many highlights – Our plumbing company acquired a shop location; I applied to University of Massachusetts and got accepted; I took a solo trip to beautiful Morro Bay for the weekend; Tom and I won a trip to Panama and flew there first class; We visited family in Philly and Delaware; I turned 30 and decided to be 100% sober; Had many great times with friends; Had a Lightcap family reunion in a beautiful mansion overlooking the beach in San Clemente; Had professional growth at my job; grew even closer to my biological family; etc.

There were also some low points – My mom suffered a tragic freak accident that broke her humorous in half and left her with permanent nerve damage; As a result of her injury I have developed a debilitating anxiety condition that prevents me from being useful during emergencies; We had some financial hardship that we are finally coming out of; Tom knocked his front teeth out and now has a permanent bridge; Celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my dad passing away; Suffered from the flu twice during the holidays; etc.

All in all, 2013 was a year of growth. I have regained my love for exercise and have become completely obsessed with Cardio Barre. I have been working on my relationship with my husband as well as my connection with friends. I have tapped into a deep love that I have for many things in my life and embraced each and every moment. As I look onto 2014 I hope for even greater success in every avenue; I wish for an easy time with school which starts in 11 days; I want to open my eyes to any flaws I am dissatisfied with and have the strength and means to correct them; I hope to get over my anxiety troubles and push past any other obstacles that cross my path. I want this year to be the very best it can be and I promise to work hard to be the very best version of myself.

Happy New Year to all of my friends and family; Wishing you the best of the best and then some!

I Miss Him Like Crazy

I created this blog initially as a way to account for the many curve balls thrown my way in my life and show people how I handled them. Over time it has grown to be a collection of my thoughts, ideals, explanation of my values, and experiences and situations I'm working through. It is a projection of my struggles and challenges I face along the crazy journey.

Lately life has thrown me so many of those crazy curve balls. Days I think will be smooth sailing are stressful and completely unenjoyably. Times when I am uninspired, unmotivated, and feeling very frustrated miraculously work out and end up great days. I have given up trying to predict the moods of others and have made a conscious effort to focus on the things within myself that I can change.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my father passing away. I really didn't think I'd feel anything; its been so long and I've spent so much time, especially within the last five or so years, crying and really grieving and coping. I was sure I got it all out and was more adjusted than this. But it has hit me hard. I miss the guy so much. A big reason why I don't want to have kids is because I don't want to live in a world where I have kids and they do not have their grandpa Danny in their lives. He would have been a great grandpa and I don't see how it would be possible to have kids and not see him every time I looked into their eyes or made them smile.

I miss the guy terribly. I wish I could hear his laugh again and I long for time with him, sitting around the living room, playing blackjack on the floor.

I have a friend at work who lost her mom five months ago. She is really struggling, having a hard time working with families going through the process of loss, while she hasn't come to terms with her own issues. I have tried to be there the best that I can, as a shoulder to cry on and a friend and an advice giver when asked. I feel like I am coming up short because I still have my weaknesses and moments where I curl up into a ball, hide my face in my knees, and cry my eyes out with a sore, broken heart thinking of the fact that he will never be back in my life.

I spent years pretending that my father was off at war; he was off battling something grand and was away doing a civic duty, taking care of us by being away. But that delusion couldn't continue on and I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that he is...DEAD. Gone... and that is when I started forgetting.

If I close my eyes I can hardly see his face. I can't hear his voice or remember his laugh. I know that as soon as he is a completely foggy and distant memory, he will really be lost forever in every sense possible. I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to really be alone.

I miss the guy immensely! Fuck, I miss you Dad. Why did you have to get sick? Why did this become the story of my life? Why was my future mapped out to include a constant struggle? I know that there are probably no answers beyond the coined phrase "it is what it is," but what if there is a deeper meaning? What if I am supposed to have this story because I am meant to teach someone else?

I know he is not coming back and I know life will be different from me than most I know. I realize that I had to grow up VERY fast and that I have to work twice as hard, supporting myself, building my empire from scratch without any assistance. I value every second of every day that I am breathing and above ground, that I am able to remember him in some small way, that I am able to live up to the high standards he set. I am grateful for being physically and mentally able and I work hard daily to show the world that Danny did not die in vain - that he has a legacy and that I am doing him proud.

Dan the man, Danny Felsen, D-Felly, Pops, Daddy....I miss you constantly and always will. You always have the biggest place in my heart and will always be the guiding light leading me towards greatness. You will always be the best teacher, mentor, friend and guardian anyone could ever have, and I feel lucky to have had the time I did with you, despite how short it was. I love you more today and ever and I hope your soul is out there, floating amongst the starchy white clouds, shining down on this world, at total peace.

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Bringing Home The Bacon?

Thanksgiving is now over with and I suddenly realized we are heading to Philly in less than 20 days! I don't feel prepared at home, with finances, at work... I feel completely scattered and unorganized!

I am looking forward to getting away for the holiday. I love the city of Philly and an looking forward to being able to bundle up. I can't exactly get ready for the trip mentally until I feel financially secure.

This year has been a major struggle in the financial department in the Bolan household. The first year we started our business was golden. We made an incredible amount of profit and our projections for the next year were looking very lucrative. Unfortunately we suffered some serious setbacks - staffing trouble, job setbacks, and unexpected expenditures because of injuries and insurance increases. Oh and taxes.., 

All in all we are significantly down this year and have suffered great turmoil over cash flow, payroll and even our own personal financial troubles. It's been one of those hunker down and ride it out sort of years and I'm losing patience and faith quickly. I have constant anxiety and am burnt out on the struggle. 

The great success of the first year of our business was a fluke; it was a glitch and we are now in the thick of the challenge everyone warned us about. I just don't know if I can take 5 years of this. I don't know if I can put our life on hold for that long. We have no kids and if we wanted them we wouldn't be able to have them for at least five more years... I would be too old. We won't own a home, take nice vacations, have a nicer vehicle, none of that at least the five years it takes to be running the business out of the red.

The American dream is scary as hell. It's a lofty notion but hard to live out. The day in and day out is so stressful and trying on our relationship. I just keep asking myself, is this really worth it? I have been carying the family financial for two years now and I feel like we are farther back from where we started. I am thirty years old and want to enjoy our life. I want some of the nicer things and most importantly want a stress free life. 

Today wa a good day, it wasn't bad and it wasn't great; just a day like any other. It was a day I could plug in mentally to a project and just focus. I could mentally drift and ponder my future and reevaluate my game plan and our approach to getting ahead. I need to help Tom and find financial assistance. I need to help him find a partner or someone who wants to invest money and time to show him how to run a business.

I'm exhausted and hope I can sleep through the entire night and just make it past this mini vacation so I can get home and back into bringing home the bacon.