I am Home. I am Happy.

I am supposed to be writing two more chapters for my experiential learning portfolio for school, but the only thoughts coming to me are blog worthy. I wish that my portfolio for school could be a compilation of my blog entries. That is what truly comes from the heart and is the real learning in my life that I should be graded on. I am who I am because of every experience, good or bad. Sure, I’ve learned a lot professionally in leadership, management, marketing, team building and so on, but I have really grown as a person from what I’ve done and the people I’ve met along the way. Everything that I’ve been through has molded me into the woman I am today and has led me to where I am now.

So where am I? I am finally in a peaceful place. I am home. 

I love where I live. It took a week of adjusting to living in a smaller place, in a new area, but I can honestly say that this morning I woke up, opened my eyes, heard the sound of raindrops on the roof and the wind in the trees, and I smiled because I knew I was home. I am exactly where I should be.

I am happy.

I finally feel a calm stillness that I have been seeking for months now. My heart stopped racing (although it may be for only a short while), my mind has slowed down, my heart is warm and I genuinely love where I am. I love where I am going, both physically and emotionally. I have a whole lot of love right now and am very thankful for the love I am receiving in return.

Someone recently reached out that I was friends with a year ago. She read my blog and wrote to me on Facebook to tell me that she knows what I’m going through. She offered insightful and very helpful words of encouragement and shared her own personal journey she’s been on and the life changing events she’s faced recently. It was so nice to know that I am not alone and to get validation from someone who has been through a similar situation that I am making the right, positive choices. It meant so much to have someone reach out and share their own personal story. 

I often consider myself similar to a porcupine. Instinctively when approaching the great unknown in any situation I often put up a defense mechanism or shy away. I am afraid of what I do not know or what I cannot expect. At least, I have been this way for most of my life. But I am really sick and tired of being that way and am making a great effort to be flexible and easy going. I woke up a few months ago and realized that I have missed out on SO MUCH in life because I’ve had to control a situation. I kept myself in this limiting little box, afraid to venture out and try new things, scared to live.

Someone recently encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone and try sushi. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me this was huge. The thought of sushi has always repelled me, especially the raw fish part. It was overwhelming because I cannot use chopsticks to save my life and the menu is confusing. It is uncharted territory for me and that was pretty much my nightmare. It helps to have someone you genuinely trust guiding you, which I do. So we went out for sushi and I loved it. We’ve gone out to sushi twice now and in thinking about it, the experience was not only great because of the company, but it was great because I pushed myself outside of that tiny, safe box and I felt liberated.  In the past few months, as a result of this person’s encouragement, I have tried Ethiopian cuisine, Indian cuisine which I already loved, Ramin, lentils, etc. I have let go of the need to control and have trusted that I would not be forced to try something I would hate. And I have enjoyed it all! It is a big lesson to me that it is okay to step outside my comfort zone and experience new things, as long as I am with someone I trust. I don’t need to raise my quills when confronted with a new situation or something unexpected. It’s important to keep an open mind and an open heart.

Today, sitting in my living room on the bright green shag rug, with the gray sky peeking through the trees outside my window and the smell of someone’s fire place filling the air, I am at such great peace with myself. All feels right in the world again and I am looking forward to what the future holds for me. I am looking forward to the endless possibilities for new and exciting adventures, deep love and companionship, blossoming friendships, a successful career, and true happiness.

I am home. I am happy.

Trick or Treat

I found a lot of pictures from my childhood while boxing up my belongings during the move. Sitting and looking through them last night took me back to so many different times with my parents, friends and other family members. I tried to recall the feelings within the moments captured. One of the last pictures in the stack of family photos was this one pictured here. My parents were not the most artistic (clearly) but attempted to paint my face so I could be a clown for Halloween. They did the best that they could and I was happy that they even made the effort.

Clown Attempt

This picture, as hilarious and slightly frightening as it may be, stands for more than just a silly kid in a Halloween costume. It shows the great effort my parents put into making sure I was not left wanting and the amount of time they dedicated to my childhood. I was never without love and had two parents who were involved 100%. I feel very lucky to have had the childhood I did, and attribute a lot of who I am today to them.

Cinderella

Dad was Mom, Mom was Dad, I was a Rock Star

Halloween was always so much fun for me. I loved the idea of dressing in a costume, being able to pretend for the night that I was a princess, a puppy, or even a clown. I would really get into character. I was so excited to walk around the neighborhood with my dad, anticipating what candy would be at each house, looking forward to coming home and spreading all my candy out on the floor to measure the damage. The holiday is not as enjoyable anymore as I am unfortunately not a parent, so I really don’t have any reason to go trick or treating… I think people would frown upon a 31 year old woman dressed up as a clown asking for candy. I hope that one day I am lucky enough to enjoy what my father experienced watching his daughter race down the street in a Cinderella dress going from house to house gathering as much candy as humanly possible with an ear to ear grin on her face, looking back to make sure he was still there behind her.

50's Girl

This Halloween I will remember the good times with my parents, the excitement of festivities, the complete exhaustion at the end of the night, hiding candy under my bed eating until I got sick, and the love I felt from my family who made sure I had the time of my life. This year, I will put on my Afro wig and disco diva costume, go out with my friends, and think of my pops. Always a trooper, always making sure there was fun had by all.

Have a Little Faith

My staycation ended on a great note. Today was a great day. An early start to my day included a brisk walk to the local store. I took my time to get there, stopping to appreciate local succulent plants and smell fresh lavender. I connected with every step, taking note of the shifting gravel and crunching leaves beneath my feet. I enjoyed a cup of coffee at the store watching different locals come and go. I enjoy the environment I live in and the people around me. It's such a welcomed change from where I've just come from.

I expected my day to consist of grocery shopping and a whole lot of waiting for the time to pass. It was definitely not that. I was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable my day was. I was surprised and caught off guard in a great way. I felt thought of; cared for; appreciated; loved. It is also a reminder that I need to trust peoples intentions and capabilities more. I have to let people surprise me and go with the flow. We are all capable of showing how we care, it's just a matter of doing it. And I am learning that I have to break past my bad habit of distrusting and fact checking and believe what people say. I have to have a little faith. 

I am falling asleep and all I can think is that I am a lucky girl. Sure, life has been hard, especially this year. But the people in my life now are incredible. What I feel is tremendous. The fact that there are those in my life who see what I consider my personality flaws as minor inconveniences is amazing. Today was such a wonderful day. I am falling asleep with a big smile on my face and a full, happy heart. 

It's when times are tough and life seems to be giving me the raw end of the deal that I really need to remember days like today. Days when I'm genuinely happy. 

Anxious Voice

No TV. No Internet. Nothing but time to think. And feel. Boy have I done a lot of that this week!

Today it all came to a head. Fear and an overwhelming flood of feelings. Exhaustion from going through the motions. Frustration and sadness from people not being available when I really needed them to be. Sadness from feeling like an afterthought. Isolation from a new geographic location. Instability from a lack of a routine. It all hit me. Hard. Like a ton of fucking bricks. 

I am proud of myself for addressing it and taking ownership of what I need and what I feel. I am really good at avoiding difficult conversations that have the likelihood of turning into a confrontation. I didn't do that. I held in tears, took a deep breath, and spoke my mind. And it was well received. I survived unscathed. I was allowed to say my piece and was given complete attention. And ultimately I was heard and cared for. It is refreshing to have such healthy communication. 

It's as if something is in the air, perhaps it was the recent eclipse. Some how alignment is off and everyone is going through a difficult time. I have thought a lot about what we do as humans to cope with difficulty. Some, like myself, write it out. Others fester in it until it disappears. Others ignore it and immerse themselves in hobbies. Others let it bring them down and stop them from any other enjoyment.  As all of you have read, I've been definitely going through a hard time. I'm having seriously debilitating anxiety that is continuous. I am depressed after sundown when the world quiets down and I am alone with my thoughts. I am scared and shook up and really need love. I just can't let that keep me from what I care about or from moving forward. Life is too damn short to waste it moping around in isolation. Of course I need to feel the feelings to address them and heal my wounds, but I choose to do that with those around me that I love. I need to vocalize my needs and be a bit selfish at the moment. I need to be loved and helped and let people in to give that to me. I need to stop acting like I'm always okay and nothing bothers me. There are things that bother me and things I need just like the next person. We all have that. 

Right now I am sitting in my reading chair reflecting on this long and very disappointing weekend and am glad it's over. I am glad things will go back to a routine. I am also glad I had these feelings and am going through this emotional journey because I'm finally addressing a lot that I have long kept bottled up and stored deep inside me. I am glad I am respected and cared for and am encouraged to talk and share. I am glad I am enjoyed for who I am and embraced. 

Here's to a week that will hopefully be much better. That will be happier, more positive, and hopefully less anxious. But if it isn't, I know I found my voice to say how I feel and I know I have those around me who are willing and ready to listen. 

All In Good Time

I am all moved in, minus a few miscellaneous items at the old place. I should feel good about being moved in, unpacked, set up. I am very thankful for my friends who have helped me. This process has been difficult and I finally recognize why. The last move in my mind was always temporary. I never got settled in because I knew I wouldn't be there forever. But I never really considered forever at all... I am on my own, for real, and it is permanent. 

I am unpacked mostly with a home set up, thanks to two awesome friends. But I am feeling a great amount of anxiety and to be completely honest, want to be anywhere but here in my new home all alone. I've been asked why I am so open in my blog, and part of it is that it is a therapeutic process. Another part is that maybe there is someone out there struggling in a similar way who needs to know they aren't alone. And lastly, I have read several blogs that lack a realness and don't show the ugly, low, gritty, difficult parts of life. I want to read that. I want to show that. Because it's real and everyone has hardship at some point. I rarely verbalized this to my friends or family, so writing in a blog is safe. I can't see who reads it. I don't know if I'm being judged. But it's real. All me. Out there on the table. 

So how am I feeling? Anxious. Sad. Scared shitless. Because I'm really alone. I'm starting over and it's so damn scary. And I'm not good alone. This place, set up nicely with all my artwork and nicknacks hanging on the walls and books on the shelves, still feels empty. I need to find the warmth to add to it.I need to make it a home. 

I wish I didn't have this anxious pit in my stomach, which I can only describe as similar to a homesickness a kid feels the first few nights at sleep away camp. It's not that I miss my parents, but I miss companionship. I miss normalcy. I miss a stable routine. This home not being a home yet leaves me scared and still and unmotivated. I just keep telling myself it will get better; easier; less of a struggle. I reassure myself that in a day or so I will no longer cry or feel a nagging emptiness. I will find my groove and get back on track. In time. All in good time.

To end things on a more positive note, my cleverly arranged quaint kitchen with its funky shelves and chalk board wall, has inspired me to want to learn how to cook. I want to fill my house with sweet smells of delicious meals. I want to bring joy to a home and into my life.

Finding My Happy Place

I feel like tomorrow is the first day of school. I can't sleep. And it's not just because I can hear the neighbor stomping around her living room like a small pachyderm. I am moving tomorrow, finally. The day is here and I'm excited for a fresh start and nervous about living in a completely new area.

The place is small. Very small. But somehow it feels more comforting than suffocating. It is warm and cozy. It's like a cross between a cabin retreat and a tree house. 

Today I felt a bit miserable and anxious and was reminded of a place I have found comforting and calming in the past. Encouraged to go get some air and find my happy place, I spent some time at the Santa Monica Airport. Near the end of my marriage I would come here and sit outside on the patio outside the restaurant overlooking the runway and imagine I was flying away on one of the planes, off into the sunset. As I looked out at the runway today, letting my mind wander, I realized that I have been seeking a place to live that is stable and like home. I have been thinking a new apartment in a different area will make everything better. It's not the case. A place doesn't just exist like that. It is up to me to make it a home. To make it comfortable and stable. Life is hard. Harder than any parent ever tells a child. Twists and turns and disappointments are unpredictable. We never know the cards we will be dealt. It's all about what you make with that hand.

Sitting there with the sun warming my back and the wind in my hair, I also smiled because I feel so lucky and fortunate to have the friends I have in my life. They won't let me slip away. The won't let me hide. They encourage and promote my involvement. They are truly a blessing. I am lucky to be cared for.

This week off I have had a lot of time to myself. Too much time in some cases. And just enough to realize some important things I need to work on. I need to make my life stable and comfortable again. Only I can do this. I also need to ask for help and be more receptive. And hopefully those I ask will be there. I have taken care of myself for a very long time and need to remember it's okay to ask for help. 

I am anxious and can't sleep, but I am happy. Today I found my happy place. 

On Moving

I have been told that my best posts are when I am raw and vulnerable. Well here is where I am right now. I am feeling down. Feeling low. I am scared. Sensitive. Vulnerable.

I am sure a good portion of this is hormonal, but there is a healthy amount of insecurity and the feeling of being uncared for on top of it. But I am the only one to blame for feeling a lack of care. I don't exactly ask for help. But God damn it today I really needed it!!! I really needed to be a priority and should have said as much. I should have been more demanding of the time I needed. I needed someone to be there for me. Be available. I just didn't ask. I just tell everyone I'm fine. 

I am laying here down in the dumps and it's all my fault. I did it again. I had high expectations because I held on to something that was said most likely as casual, wishful conversation, but in my mind I made it a binding agreement. I was under the impression this vacation would be more eventful than it is. And as a result of getting my hopes up I am laying here in a hoodie and sweat pants feeling sorry for myself. 

I feel like I'm always there when people feel bad. I'll rearrange my schedule to go out of my way to make someone feel better or make sure they know they aren't alone. I wish I had that. But again, no one asked me to be so available. I did that to myself. 

I am having a hard time, totally anxious and overwhelmed with this move. I want to go to sleep and wake up to a packed apartment ready to move. I want to feel some peace, tranquility and stability of a consistent routine again. I want to get away and have a moment to breathe. I want clarity in my chaotic mind. I want so much for a happy life and am willing to work hard for it. Hard work that pays off, a successful career, a supportive and loving partner, fairytale romantic getaways, a happy family, deep belly laughter - a happy life. If everything happens for a reason this is the greatest test for me. It's my lesson to learn in patience, trust, letting go and being flexible. It is also a lesson to find my new voice and strength. 

The move this time has really affected me. This one is hard to get through. Life is much harder than anyone ever tells you it will be. I am moving physically to a new home or as much a home as I can make it, and I am moving in emotional directions as well. I am letting the control go, being myself and putting it all out there, raw, exposed and completely me. I am terrified. I throw my hands up, close my eyes, and enjoy the crazy ride.