Abandonment

This week several people mentioned to me that I discuss a lot of feelings in my blog, but avoid getting to the root of what is causing me to feel a certain way. It's true - I touch lightly on the actual cause of the emotions and talk a lot of the emotions themselves.

Hearing this from people really resonated and opened my eyes to a major flaw in my healing process. It is one step to identify what I am feeling, but I cannot move forward without discovering why I have the feelings in the first place.

I do recognize a lot of the causes of how I feel, but I am, believe it or not, a private person when it comes to some of the pain in my life. I keep what is most vulnerable close to my heart and not on display. In an effort to be a healthier, happier person, I will share with you some of what I've gone through that leaves me where I am today. 

One of the things I feel the most is the fear of abandonment. I can recall a memory from kindergarten when I was playing on the yard at recess and didn't hear the bell ring calling all the kids back to class. I had been playing on a jungle gym with the giant movable tic tac toe game at the back of the playground and was not noticed by the yard aid. I realized a few minutes later after everyone was back in class that I was alone. Instantly I forgot where my class was and remember the pit in my stomach as I panicked and thought I was left behind. 

I feel the same way now as an adult. I was told that it may be a result of being adopted. I don't doubt the validity in that. I don't recall a specific moment when I was told that I was adopted; I have always just known. And I've always felt like I was going to be left alone. And here I am, choosing to be divorced and alone and I'm really shook up. 

I feel alone in the sense of all of my relationships. If someone doesn't call to make plans, I feel like they have decided to move on. I know this isn't the case and I'm working hard to break the bad habit of feeling that way. I've looked at my life as temporary for a long time - where I live, what I do for work, jumping from one thing to the next. I'm realizing now that this is permanent. It's forever. And that finality is alarming. 

I hope you don't look at me as fractured or damaged. It is true that I am struggling through this transitional period of time in my life, but I'm doing the work to come out on top. I'm trying hard to put things into a healthier perspective and gain acceptance for who and where I am. 

I start therapy next week and so the journey in this blog will become, I assume, even heavier and more real. But I want to share it so that it feels less alone. 

I'm Not This Person

Sometimes all it takes to feel better, even if it is momentary relief, is just to be next to someone you know cares and has your best interests in mind. It’s a familiar face that reassures you that you will be fine, or helps talk you through the anxiousness. Sometimes it’s sitting in silence just being next to someone to calm your nerves. I am finding there is no quick fix for feeling anxious and I am discovering as I dig deeper into my feelings and process my emotions that there are so many layers to who I am, many of which I’ve stifled for so many years.

I woke up feeling so thankful for the people in my life who do not run away when I am having a tough time; for people that recognize I’m having a hard time and make time for me despite my imperfections. I’m not always going to be like this – struggling and feeling low. I know that I am exhausted and frustrated and going through so much change all at once and it has finally caught up with me. I know some of it may be chemical. I acknowledge that I may be feeling these things now, but they do not define me. I have lost touch of the carefree, silly, fun and outgoing person I was a while ago and have let anxiety and fear take over my personality. For being a control freak I really let go of the control I have over my own feelings and let myself be guided by fear and worry. I am not okay with this.

I find myself saying in my head on a loop, “I’m not this person.” I am not the girl who is plagued by anxiety. I am not held back by anything out of my control. The thought never occurred to me until writing this now… if I am not this person, who am I? I am the girl who loves life. I love learning new things and going on adventures. I consider myself spirited and think laughter is the best medicine. I am sensitive and gentle and love to take care of people dear to me. I am stubborn and driven when I really want to achieve something. I am not the girl who is afraid to speak up. I am not the girl who is stopped by anxiety and depression. I am not broken beyond repair. I am the girl who knows what she wants and knows how she should be treated. I am not representing the value of my worth in the right way.

I read an article a colleague wrote today about his experience interviewing a woman named Jennifer, a psychiatrist and mother of two, who has a neuromuscular disease called HIBM. The article depicts Jennifer’s journey facing a challenging a limited future due to her rare disease. Throughout the interview she never shows a negative outlook on her life, and in fact gets my colleague to open up and discuss his own life issues. The story of Jennifer reminds me that it is all about perspective. Sure, life has been challenging for me this past year, but it is not over. I am alive and well and will get past all the obstacles and setbacks. Sometimes in helping others, we help ourselves without even realizing it. While I do not know Jennifer, her bravery is an example to me. It is something I truly admire.

My heart is a bit slower and calmer today knowing I am cared for; knowing that I am appreciated and enjoyed. My mind takes comfort in the fact that I have those around me who I can open up to and be myself around. I am most thankful that I have people in my corner there to remind me when I forget all of this.  

Up All Night

12 am - the first time I was wide awake. I opened my eyes in a panic that I was late for work. It took me 10 minutes to fall back to sleep.

2:45 am - the second time I woke up. This one was a result of a disappointing dream. It involved someone giving up on me and losing another person I care for. It was definitely a result of my own insecurities and the fact that I want to spend time with someone I don't get to see enough. I tend to feel like if I don't get time with people it must be a result of something I did or they don't enjoy my company. It's all insecurity as a result of how I view myself. I finally fell back to sleep a half hour later. 

4:10 am - the third time I was awake. This time there was no real reason. I just opened my eyes and couldn't sleep. I was anxious and nervous. I don't think I really fell asleep again after this.

It's now 5:57 am and I've already showered and had a cup of coffee. I hope to be able to prove my dream wrong and have a good day today without feeling bad. I hope this anxiousness subsides and I can express myself to those I need to when I ask for some of their time. 

Someone told me recently that the mind listens to what we say. I need to remember to be positive and tell myself only good things. I can get through this just like I've gotten through all the rest that has come my way. I will be able to say what I need. I will be great. 

Living Out Loud

Treadmill blogging is back folks! I am at a new gym in Hollywood trying to establish a new routine and run off an emotional day. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster sitting in the front car inching my way up to the top waiting anxiously with every click of the track for the big drop. I've got Safe and Sound by Capital Cities blasting in my headphones and my heart beat pounds to the rhythm. I am running my hardest trying to sweat out what is aching.

I got a beautiful message today from an old friend about my writing. It made me feel so good to know that my writing in this blog resonates with someone and helped put a smile on their face and shed some perspective on life's challenges. It was such a compliment to know someone recognizes my bravery for living my life out loud, in the open for the world to read. It really is hard.

I also got to thinking about all that I share with everyone and the different struggles I've faced over the years. I started evaluating what I'm unhappy with. And then I started missing my dad. A lot.

I'm at a place in my life where I really need him to be here. I need my dads gentle reassurance that I haven't royally fucked up my life and that although it's really hard to recognize now, I am actually headed for greater things. I need his care and his sense of humor. I need to be cared for; a priority.

I also kick myself for always seeming so confident and strong. I never tell people the truth when they ask how I am. I give the typical canned answer - "I'm great. Things are going well." When inside, I'm scared and sad at times. I need a hug and an "it will be okay kid" pep talk just like anyone else. 

The anxiety was so strong today and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball in front of a fireplace and go to sleep. I wanted to feel the warmth of the fire and dream of going out for lunch with my pops. I wanted to picture him telling me that he is proud of me and I haven't let everyone down. That I will be with a man who really respects and loves me and cares for me in the nurturing way I desire and deserve. That I will be financially successful and make good decisions. That I will build a life with a beautiful family. That anything can happen if I put my mind to it. That I am still his little peanut. 

And now I'm running and crying on the treadmill in the new gym. Way to make a solid first impression on all the beautiful people of Hollywood. I just don't care. I need these tears to come out. I need to release this pain that I carry with me so deep inside on a daily basis. I need to bare it all to build myself back up.

I am very honest with my emotions as raw as they may be. I made a promise to myself that I would be forthright with my feelings and truly live. So here I am. Take me for what I'm worth. I'm living out loud. 

Good Morning World

Hello world. There is a cold chill in the early morning air. Wearing several layers and sweatpants I step outside with a hot cup of coffee and greet the new day with positive thoughts and a hopeful outlook. 

I went to sleep with far too heavy thoughts and worry. I fell asleep feeling unsettled. I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream that carried the theme of my last blog entry and it took a while to calm down and fall back to sleep.

Here I am now, up early and ready to see what the day has in store for me.  I used to practice positive affirmations, telling myself 3 things I was proud of about myself every morning while taking a shower. Going through the end of my marriage that habit fell by the wayside. I decided this morning it was time to bring that back. In all of my self examination of things I consider flaws that need tweaking, I have forgotten to appreciate what is good about myself. 

Remembering to focus on the positive and what is directly at hand is actually harder than it sounds. It is difficult not to look into the future and worry about all the things that may stop you or get you down. It's hard to not get anxious from things others do out of your control or things that you consider unfair. But we must try and be aware of the affects this way of thinking have on us and those in our lives. 

Sitting here as the sunrise peaks through the trees, taking a deep breath and holding onto the awareness of my body and my presence, I am thankful for the possibilities of the day; the week; the year. I understand with good comes the bad and I will take everything that comes my way in stride. 

Anxiety From The Silence

I am sitting there, yawning, exhausted, then I get into pajamas and crawl into bed and I'm wide awake. I lay here with a million thoughts running through my mind when I just want things to be quiet. I struggle to uplug; to put the phone down.

In my process of self discovery and understanding I've come to realize I am afraid that letting someone in and opening up means I will end up hurt. I hate the vulnerability that comes with sharing and expressing feelings. I don't want to be judged and worse, I don't want to be cast aside or shut out. 

Nothing worries me more than sharing something deeply personal and getting nothing in return. Getting no response. I find it hard to sit still, wondering if I'm being judged or if I've shared too much. My mind plays a cruel game against me, telling me negative thoughts like I am not going to be liked anymore or I am going to be hurt because I've opened up. I feel like I'm going to be shut down and so why even try.

These days vulnerability shows itself in the form of anxiety. I feel like I'm mentally pacing back and forth, waiting for a reply or feeling that "what did you just do?" feeling once I've let someone in. 

I just try to keep in mind that it's healthy to let people in and important to be honest. This process of learning to be a better version of myself has shown me a lot and I hope that with time I will close my eyes and fall asleep a bit easier and be more assured that letting someone in and sharing my feelings doesn't always equal something bad. 

I am Home. I am Happy.

I am supposed to be writing two more chapters for my experiential learning portfolio for school, but the only thoughts coming to me are blog worthy. I wish that my portfolio for school could be a compilation of my blog entries. That is what truly comes from the heart and is the real learning in my life that I should be graded on. I am who I am because of every experience, good or bad. Sure, I’ve learned a lot professionally in leadership, management, marketing, team building and so on, but I have really grown as a person from what I’ve done and the people I’ve met along the way. Everything that I’ve been through has molded me into the woman I am today and has led me to where I am now.

So where am I? I am finally in a peaceful place. I am home. 

I love where I live. It took a week of adjusting to living in a smaller place, in a new area, but I can honestly say that this morning I woke up, opened my eyes, heard the sound of raindrops on the roof and the wind in the trees, and I smiled because I knew I was home. I am exactly where I should be.

I am happy.

I finally feel a calm stillness that I have been seeking for months now. My heart stopped racing (although it may be for only a short while), my mind has slowed down, my heart is warm and I genuinely love where I am. I love where I am going, both physically and emotionally. I have a whole lot of love right now and am very thankful for the love I am receiving in return.

Someone recently reached out that I was friends with a year ago. She read my blog and wrote to me on Facebook to tell me that she knows what I’m going through. She offered insightful and very helpful words of encouragement and shared her own personal journey she’s been on and the life changing events she’s faced recently. It was so nice to know that I am not alone and to get validation from someone who has been through a similar situation that I am making the right, positive choices. It meant so much to have someone reach out and share their own personal story. 

I often consider myself similar to a porcupine. Instinctively when approaching the great unknown in any situation I often put up a defense mechanism or shy away. I am afraid of what I do not know or what I cannot expect. At least, I have been this way for most of my life. But I am really sick and tired of being that way and am making a great effort to be flexible and easy going. I woke up a few months ago and realized that I have missed out on SO MUCH in life because I’ve had to control a situation. I kept myself in this limiting little box, afraid to venture out and try new things, scared to live.

Someone recently encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone and try sushi. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me this was huge. The thought of sushi has always repelled me, especially the raw fish part. It was overwhelming because I cannot use chopsticks to save my life and the menu is confusing. It is uncharted territory for me and that was pretty much my nightmare. It helps to have someone you genuinely trust guiding you, which I do. So we went out for sushi and I loved it. We’ve gone out to sushi twice now and in thinking about it, the experience was not only great because of the company, but it was great because I pushed myself outside of that tiny, safe box and I felt liberated.  In the past few months, as a result of this person’s encouragement, I have tried Ethiopian cuisine, Indian cuisine which I already loved, Ramin, lentils, etc. I have let go of the need to control and have trusted that I would not be forced to try something I would hate. And I have enjoyed it all! It is a big lesson to me that it is okay to step outside my comfort zone and experience new things, as long as I am with someone I trust. I don’t need to raise my quills when confronted with a new situation or something unexpected. It’s important to keep an open mind and an open heart.

Today, sitting in my living room on the bright green shag rug, with the gray sky peeking through the trees outside my window and the smell of someone’s fire place filling the air, I am at such great peace with myself. All feels right in the world again and I am looking forward to what the future holds for me. I am looking forward to the endless possibilities for new and exciting adventures, deep love and companionship, blossoming friendships, a successful career, and true happiness.

I am home. I am happy.