Criticism is a Bitch

I just wrote an entire blog that got deleted before I could save, so I'll try to get it all down this time around...

Criticism is a bitch! In all forms that it comes. I didn't realize until today how that is the one part of the creative aspect of my job that I dislike. This is not a complaint in anyway, please understand that I'm just making an observation. 

Making an ad from layout to completion is like a piece of art. It's hard to go back and forth, edit after edit, and still have some semblance of self identity in it. It's hard to accept critique of something creative. It's a bit personal. 

It's also funny that as my career progresses I am finding I enjoy the administrative aspects of my career much more. But don't get me wrong; there is plenty of room for criticism in this area as well. Here's an example...

Today I was told that I need to sound more welcoming or friendly when I answer my phone. Boy did that sting. Ego is bruised a bit! My cheeks are actually blushing with embarrassment as I write this out. But instead of defending my position for a less than cheery disposition, I sucked it up and blew off the pit of frustration in my stomach. I didn't explain that it is not always so easy to be little miss sunshine all the time and every different reason for what could go on in my day to cause this. There is no reason to stand and say all this because at the end of the day I CAN BE BETTER. We all can! And should! 

The only one at fault for me feeling like shit now is me. Because I wasn't giving it 100% all the time. I slipped up. Of course we aren't always going to be perfect - we aren't machines. I just feel like I've let myself down and feel like I should express things that effect me that others do in a constructive fashion more often then just letting them off the hook or turning a blind eye. 

I'm having a tough time at the moment and am in need of a "you're kicking ass", "you're of value", "you are not completely failing" type of pick me up. I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back these days and I am trying so hard to get it right. 

I want more responsibility not in the quantity of tasks, but the importance of job duties. I want to excel and help the team grow as well. But I have to prove I can do it - you don't just get something because you want it; you gotta work it!

Criticism on a personal level is tough. No one wants to be told the aren't loving in the right way or they aren't bring romantic enough. It's hard to accept what a friend tells you as just observation when they say you need to be there more. It's difficult any way it's dealt and it takes true character, strength and diplomacy to be able to take it in and grow from it. 

On the up side I'm feeling very positive about the direction I'm going physically. My body is responding so well to all my hard work at the gym and eating right! I'm starting to feel sexy and really mean it when I say it! Last night driving home from a hard workout I rocked out stripper dance style to Ohh La La by Goldfrapp. I felt the beat deep in my veins and felt like a million bucks! 

I hope my mind will catch up to my physical confidence. I want to be the total package. I want to be the best. I want criticism to roll off my back and not embarrass me. 

Happy hump day my lovely readers! Turn on your favorite jam and dance it out like a stripper! Work it and feel sexy!

30 Year Old Neck

Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and noticed how much you've aged? Looking in the mirror to adjust my skirt before exiting the bathroom at work today I saw my age for the first time. I saw a 30 year old neck.

I found some old pictures on Facebook the other night and am like a completely different person now. Besides the obvious weight difference, my face and features are dramatically different now. I have experience and situations that have changed my physical appearance. Life sped up and all of a sudden I'm a woman! What the f?!? 

I looked at the curve of my neck following it to where it meets my chin and up to the rings of sleep deprecation around my eyes. Laugh lines and curiosity cracks define the map of my past journey telling a story. 

I wasn't upset that I look my age, just unaware of how it happened seemingly over night. I am proud of the years I've had, good, bad and frightening. I am proud of myself.

I am feeling pretty introspective these days and am enjoying building friendships that matter and following my heart. I am trying something completely new - taking scary situations and pressure head on. I'm making myself shed my comfort blanket and be a new, daring me. It's scary but I'm really trying. 

I read this story for class the other day about expectations that employees have when an employee starts in a higher, more demanding position and the expectations the employee has for to responsibility of the position and supervisor. The story went through a situation of miscommunication of expectations and it turned out both management and employee were on a different page with different beliefs. 

The biggest problem the employee faced was his own stubbornness to seek guidance and discuss expectations with his manager openly. I am at fault of this. I'm afraid to come across as anything less than perfect and realize that is the wrong way to do things. 

I am enjoying the learning process that is my life and all that comes with it. I see peers who somehow have it all and while naturally I feel a tinge of jealousy, I feel pride that I am working my ass of for every single thing that I have.

I challenge you with this... Go out and compliment yourself three times. Three different things that you take pride in about yourself. Focus on each for a minute and believe it. I mean really believe it. Then put a smile on your face and conquer the world. Hit the pavement with your 30 year old neck! 

What's It Going To Take?

I think I'm more excited that today is Saturday than yesterday's Valentines Day holiday. I am so happy to have a few days off even if it's full of homework and chores. At least it's my time and it's stress free.

Last week was chalked full of negative every and bad vibes and it really got to me. My only recourse  was to shut up and quietly plug away to get through my days. I hate weeks like that because I generally love being at work and enjoy what I do. But weeks full of bad attitudes and people rushing around with a sense of secretive urgency really start to wear you down. 

I got up this morning slowly after finally sleeping in and thought about how it's almost been 1 year since I turned 30 and since I made the choice to be completely sober. It's amazing how quickly time has passed and just how much has gone on during that time. Being back in school is bringing up reminiscent memories of the first try at college and the fun times with my crazy friends in my early 20's. I miss the parties and being completely uninhibited, the laughter and that larger than life feeling. 

I've spent the year struggling to find my place. It's been a very difficult year with a lot of change. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin like I am a new me that I am okay with. I don't worry about being out at a bar as much and am okay saying no to a drink without feeling fearful. Sure I miss it and have a feeling I always will, but I'm okay with that as long as I get support where I need it. 

As my birthday approaches in a few months I can't help but feel restless and refuse to let any more unproductive time pass me by. I'm not wasting a second. I have a lot of emotion in my little body and I'm going to start showing it, in a good way. 

How many of you feel like you want to change something about yourself but don't have a clue where to start? Or you just don't try because it seems like too much of an uphill battle? 

The best place to start is anywhere. If your goal is losing weight, just start making better choices with food and exercise. It is so easy to accept the status quo and just exist, but I ask you this... Is just existing really living? I sure don't think so.

Life isn't a cake walk for me right now. Our business is struggling a bit, my mom is still trying to recover from a major injury, my grandma is dying, two of Toms uncles have incurable cancer, marriage isn't always easy, etc. But that is life; there will always be things to work on or have to fight through. I am not letting it stop me!

Are you? 

Does Valentines Day Suck Or Am I Bitter?

It must be said... I hate Valentine's Day... Truth be told I'm actually starting to loathe most kitschy Hallmark holidays. 

I used to be the party planner; the go-to-gal for festivities, especially in the workplace. One of my favorite parts of my job used to be planning events and activities that strengthened staff relationships within departments. I hardly have any involvement in these types of responsibilities now that our HR director is in place. I truly enjoyed this type of involvement and inner-office collaboration is something I am very passionate about.

The hard part for me is that as much as I jokingly say that I hate people, I actually really like them. I am the person most people come to when they want professional advice or need help working with another coworker. I have made a serious effort since I first started working at my job to get to know everyone, regardless of their title or department,  spending time at every event talking to as many different people as I can to make sure everyone is included. 

I used to be the planner of the friends group too, that is when we used to celebrate everything and used to go out... I think I've isolated myself so much that I've lost touch of a bit of my celebratory spirit and have distanced myself from friends. 

I had to write a management strategy for the redevelopment of staffing from a Human Resources Directors perspective. I can't even begin to tell you how much I enjoyed researching and writing it. I am good at it and really recognize the importance of employee relations. Morale and accountability are vital to a successful organization. Making employees feel like a valuable ingredient in a company is priceless. It goes for personal life too. Showing people that they matter, celebrating their successes and having good spirits is important! 

There are things I've come to realize about myself that I think are good qualities that I need to man up and show more... I am an A-type personality and can make shrewd, responsible decisions. I am a natural leader. I am quick and am good at reading people. I can listen when you need me to and will fight for what is right. I am also frugal and dislike being wasteful. 

With Valentine's Day on the horizon I am working on showing the love even if I am a bit disappointed. I will try to be more of a team player and less self-isolating. I will help out more when needed and will be a better, kinder friend. And hopefully I'll regain a sense of holiday enjoyment and not become a total Scrooge! 

Here's to another day in the grind, busting my ass and getting through it. 

Hope you all have a beautiful week!

On Life, Death and Everything In Between

Yesterday was my 100^th blog, and early this morning I decided to review some of the blogs with the highest readership. A lot has gone on this past year, and that isn’t even a full year of blogging. 100 blogs in 8 months… I never realized I had that much to say.

The trip down memory lane got me thinking about life, death and everything in between. Like almost every human being I know, I go through my rough patches which can be dark, a bit negative and hopeless. I, like any normal person, occasionally lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and feel like throwing my hands up at the challenges that come my way. This blog has been a blessing – a true outlet for me to let you what I usually keep bottled up inside and in turn hopefully can help someone else going through a similar situation.

I want to impart something to you. Something I have been thinking about since early this morning. Something that may help you as you go about your days or may not and you might think I’m preachy and full of it. Take out of this what you wish, leave it if you do not care; the choice is yours.

Working in my industry and losing a parent at a young age makes me acutely aware of how fragile life really is. It can be taken at any moment. Death is obviously inevitable and can be peaceful and calm or be a very scary, painful exit. We have no meter to warn us when our time is up; no empty light or cautionary sign. We exist, day in and day out, and hope that we will be there to see the next. And most of the time we live our lives on autopilot, living out a daily routine week after week.

In looking back at my blogs I apologize for complaining about the “everything in between” as much as I have. I am lucky to have that – to have it all; the stresses, the anxiety, the drama, the loss, the pain… I am lucky to have the ability to feel, even if they are negative. We are all lucky to go through the motions, even if it is the routine of daily life.

I never thought I’d be afraid of my own death, but the thought of my mortality scares me. It is the ultimate unknown and so final. Being surrounded by death every day is not easy to adjust to. It is a daily reminder that the end may be closer than it appears. But it is also a wake-up call to me that I need to pay more attention to. I have a daily reminder right in my face telling me to slow down, lighten up, and enjoy the “everything in between.”

So I give this gift to you. Slow down! Look around and be aware. Show more appreciation for those you love and those you care for. Take in the world as it moves around you and find your balance. Worry less. Trust more. Open your heart wider and fill it with more love; more joy; more energy; more compassion. Focus less on the ugliness of others and concern yourself with improving your own inner dialogue. Judge less and help more.

I woke up today feeling anxious, fearful of my family’s financial stability, a bit low. After reading all of these blogs and the emails from some loyal readers, I feel empowered to get back on track and be a better person. I feel alive and want to live a better daily life.

I do not know when my last days will be, hopefully not any time soon. But knowing that there will be an end at some point, I will life better, love harder, be stronger and hopefully you will too.

Go Figure?

I keep starting the same sentence over and over and delete it because it just doesn't seem right.

I've been in a reclusive, irritable mood for a few weeks for several reasons. I think at this point I just want someone to figure it out, figure me out. I am being a baby.

Plain and simple, here is why: 

- My dads birthday was yesterday and I miss him like crazy. It hurts deep, burning a hole in my heart. I need him more than ever with all that's going on in my life and I can't have him there. I am sad and still, 10 years later, mourning the loss. 

- I started school and it's a lot of work. It's challenging and I don't want to screw up. I don't want to be anything less than perfect and I am trying to reconcile that. I'm stressed and worried.

- My marriage has it's ups and downs and that is also stressful. I'm scared.

- There have been a few people lately who have been pushing my buttons; selfish, ignorant, constantly complaining. They have been rude and have taken advantage of my friendship. My feelings are hurt.

- Ready for another heavy one? I attended this seminar I hosted that covered advance health care directives and I filled one out for myself. It got me thinking about the ways I may die and who would be my advocate if I couldn't speak for myself. I realized I have no one in my life. I got stuck on this question, question number one. I am feeling lonely and sad.

- I really want to smoke and drink; big time. I keep working out harder the more I crave. I keep constantly distracting myself. I am taking it one day at a time. I'm exhausted!

- I've been feeling ignored and unimportant to pretty much everyone. I'm sick of being flaked on; sick of lonely solo lunches; sick of feeling isolated. I know part of it is me, but not all of it. I need to know I matter.

I have to regain composure and find my patience again. I am the only one to blame - I took all this on. I knew what I was getting myself in to with every choice I made. I can also fix it.

I will keep on keeping on because I can. I joke around a lot because it's safe, but there is a deeper, more sensitive side to me. Guess I should show it more if I want people to figure me out.