Tribute to a Friend

Since I started this blog I have received different feedback from people. Some have questions or want to debate topics I've written about. Others share their own personal stories that are similar to my experiences. I've also heard from some friends that I've inspired them to start writing and blogging. I think it is most flattering when someone is motivated to be creative by something I am doing.

This entry is a shout out to a dear friend of mine who has been on an incredible journey of self-discovery. For several months he has focused on reinventing himself, working out and losing a significant amount of weight, updating his personal style, working hard on rebuilding lost friendships and strengthening his family bonds. His motivation is inspiring to me on days when I feel like I just don't have it in me to do anything productive. I've watched him grow over the past few months so much and he has become a very healthy and happy man and a really good friend.

Being able to look within and accept the areas where we are lacking is not an easy task to accomplish. Its so much easier said than done, and its incredibly difficult to look past the things we know are not good for us and change our behavior. It is easy to ignore and continue the behaviors because they are comfortable. I applaud my friend for his diligence and determination to be the best father, husband and friend he can be. I admire his willingness to do the work and put in the time and his honesty about his flaws.

I encourage you all to check out his blog: http://theredheadrambler.blogspot.com Show some support - he is new to the blogging world. But his voice and his experiences are real, and he is making incredible strides.

Keep it up Andy! I am inspired!

Therapy and Asking for Care

 

 Last night I started therapy. I have come to a point following all the recent changes in my life within the past year where I can no longer avoid dealing with my feelings. I have known for a long time that ignoring the real issues that make me feel anxious or depressed is not a good coping mechanism. Last weekend, feeling as low as I did, was a wake up call that I really need to learn the healthy way to process my emotions.

After going through a history of my childhood, family, relationships, friendships, fears and so on, we discussed the practice of mindfulness; accepting and focusing ones attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations at the present moment. My therapist asked me how the thought of practicing mindfulness made me feel, and my answer was “uncomfortable.” The idea that I should accept and focus my attention on how I feel when I am anxious makes me cringe. It sounds torturous to intentionally feel pain and not do something to block it out. But I realize, with time will come acceptance and understanding that it is okay to feel as I am feeling and will ultimately help me process the emotions in a healthy way. I left last night feeling both excited for the therapeutic process to begin and fearful of what I will uncover.

There is a big part of me that feels like I am alone on this journey, and that no one really knows what I feel or what thoughts run through my mind. I have always been the one to give out advice and care, there for people anticipating that they may feel sad or afraid or just need my attention, and I feel like I rarely get it back. I know a lot of this is because I shut people out and never say to anyone, “hey, I need you to be more present” or “I need you to ask me more often how I’m doing and check in,” but doesn’t that seem completely selfish to ask? And doesn’t that also mean that if I have to ask and it is not someone’s natural inclination to want to be involved, that it means they do not care?

I feel like I have been doing life wrong for a long time. I feel like I’ve been a chameleon since I was a child, doing things that make others happy; being the daughter that would make my mother proud; the friend that everyone looked up to; the wife that took care of everything. What has really happened is I have lost my own identity in the process over the years, and now I am learning all over again who I really am.

Patience is something I really need to work on. I have typically wanted instant gratification and immediate answers. I want career advancement right away and whatever hobby I get involved in I feel as if I have to master it. When my ex and I started dating we moved in together after only three months and were practically a married couple within the first year. I have always been this “all or nothing” extreme version of myself and it is time to slow down. It is time to take it slow, enjoy the adventure, enjoy the company, let life happen just a little bit more and allow myself the time it takes to really deal with the emotions I am feeling. It is time to really recognize that things that have taken 31 years to develop will not be resolved overnight.

Following my session I sat at home going over things discussed and realized that one of the reasons I lack patience is fear. I am scared to take things slow because I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid of not being a priority, afraid of missed opportunities, afraid of being insignificant. I am afraid that I will start to feel happy, closeness, enjoyment, care, love, and a million other emotions that I really like to feel and then will lose all of that. I need to change my way of thinking and realize that taking things slow does not mean that they are not important; that I am not important. It isn’t a bad thing to be careful.  

I know that this therapy process, as painful and difficult as it may be, is ultimately going to be the best thing that I could have done for myself. Today, at the present moment, I accept that I am feeling slightly anxious and worried, and recognize where those emotions are coming from.

Here's to Ya!

Facebook and I have a love hate relationship. I think social media is important, especially given my profession, and is a great way for people to get news and targeted information, but it also illicits insecurity and sadness for some people. Relationships have been ruined because of jealousy or infidelity spurred from Facebook and other social media.  Friendships have been destroyed as well. The simple act of being de-friended is enough to make someone feel rejection and sadness.

What got me thinking about this is being on Facebook tonight when I was taking a break from writing a chapter in my professional portfolio. I logged on to Facebook and started reading the news feed and got to thinking about some of the old friends my ex and I used to spend time with. Wondering how some people were doing I decided to look them up in my friends list.  To my surprise a good amount of friends that I knew from when I was married had unfriended me. Some of these people had me in their wedding. One of them was my own father in law!

I know I am moving on and can't expect people to remain friends with me when their loyalty is to my ex, especially if they were friends with him before he and I met.  But it is hard to accept that all the time we spent cultivating a friendship was just so easy to dispose of. My ex father in law was the one that hurt the most. It's as if I and our marriage didn't exist. Granted, my ex father in law and I never had a strong,  close relationship, but it seems so harsh and cold to unfriend me from a social media site that is the only way we kept in contact frequently in the past. 

Seeing other people I know go through divorce and face the splitting of family, I knew this was inevitability. You just can't really prepare for how it makes you feel.  I didn't think I would honestly be bothered by this as much as I am. It's not marriage that I am mourning with this Facebook situation. It is the loss of all the other relationships and friendships I had cultivated while married that I am saddened over. 

This year's theme is starting over. It's been a rough year and I am positive it will be difficult for a while when these type of new situations come up.

The difference between this week and last is huge. While I am sad to find out that so many people have decided to no longer maintain a friendship or relationship with me, I am not debilitated by it. I am trying to approach it all with understanding and respect for their choices. I will truly miss many of them and wish them all the best things in life. 

Every step of the way through this change I am learning about myself in some way. Here's to moving on and starting over.  To new friends and making family out of those who you love.  To great memories that I will always cherish. 

Here's to ya! (A phrase often said by my former father in law.)

Trust the Process

There seems to be so many rules to life. It's hard to know if you're doing the right thing. It's especially difficult if you're really good to and for someone and seem to have a genuine connection, but for whatever reason there is hesitation on their part.

Last week it seemed like a good portion of my friends were having relationship issues. Life is hard, especially lately. Some seemed extremely satisfied in their relationships and then they ended abruptly. Some are existing in an unhealthy way. It appears like compatibility is hard to find and it baffles me that once people do find that rare connection, they sabotage it or slow it down. Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe it's just fear.

My parents in love on vacation

 I have the template of my parents perfect fairytale love story, what has really set me up for a hard time. My father had a history class with my mother at USC and it was love at first sight for him. However, never having a girlfriend and unsure of what to do, he did nothing but admire her from a distance. Not pursuing her out of fear, my father's acquaintance decided he needed to start dating. She set him up on a blind date with her roommate. I'm sure you can see where this is going. My father put on his best chocolate brown suit (this was clearly the 70's) and with a bouquet of carnations in hand, went to pick up his blind date. He knocked on the door and to his shock my mother, his history class crush, answered the door. Yes, my mom was his blind date. It was 100% meant to be. For 25 years they worked together; my father a family law attorney and my mother, his paralegal.

So you see how warped my sense of relationship is? I grew up believing in magical situations of destiny and true love and am finding it so very different in reality. It's not perfect, that is rare.

But I do believe that there has to be a balance. Yes, life is hard and we all have baggage and struggle, emotional, physical, situational. We all deal with issues and pain. But what is so wrong with getting close, committing to one another, moving into a relationship and giving in to the possibility of being loved? I don't think there is anything wrong if you keep hold of your own sense of self. There is nothing wrong with having someone by your side while you go through a struggle.

If you are lucky enough to find someone who you trust, who you share personal beliefs with, who makes you feel calm and safe, who helps you grow and challenges you, then keep them close. Hold on to them and give in to building a relationship. Don't push them away and keep them at a convenient distance. Don't give up because you're scared. We are all scared.

And this is coming from a woman going through a divorce! I can't believe that I should close myself off to feeling love again just because it didn't work the first time. 

At the end of the day, to my friends who are having a hard time right now, it is momentary. Trust me. Crying won't always be your hobby. The quiet will get less noisy, I promise. I'm going through it and I'm allowing myself the ability to process and feel. 

This weekend was a wake up call for me. I did an incredible amount of soul searching and analyzing. Combined with getting my thyroid prescription at the right dose, I feel a clarity I haven't felt in a few months. I am stronger than I think and so are you. I recognize what I'm worth and what I deserve from a partner and will not settle for less. I know I am good to those I care about and will not shortchange myself. 

Be brave. Be bold. Love and let someone in. If you are lucky enough to have someone in your life that connects on a deeper level and really sees you for who you are, keep them close and take a chance. Trust the process. 

Missed Flight

I haven’t been able to remember dreams for a while. Today, however, was a different story. It was another restless night. I had a vivid dream about traveling and missing my flight. I had a flight at 11:27 AM out of LAX. I packed the night before, got all of my work and boarding pass ready to go. I'm unsure exactly where I was going or what the purpose of the trip was, but I was definitely still married and he and I were going to go on this trip together.

The morning of the trip everything seemed off. I was running late and had to go to a park-and-ride type of facility to get a rental golf cart, which they explained was the only way to get into the airport. This unplanned change of transportation left me worried that I would not make it home to get the bags and get to the airport in time for the flight.  

I pushed down hard on the gas driving the cart at maximum speed, making my way home, which was actually my mother’s house in the San Fernando Valley. My ex was there taking his time, playing in the pool (which doesn't even exist at my mom's house in reality). I paced back and forth and glanced at the clock, realizing it was 11:09 AM. I wasn't going to make it. I ditched the golf cart in my mom’s garage and called a cab. The cab driver arrived at 11:15 AM and raced me, without the ex, to the airport. But it was too late. The flight had already taken off.

In a panic, I ran around the airport trying to find the counter for my airlines. It was nowhere to be found. It didn't exist. I was searching frantically, trying to get anyone to help, but no one responded. Every person I approached simply laughed at me and walked away. I was in a deep panic, not sure of how I was going to get where I needed to go, unsure of why I was even traveling.

Then my alarm went off and I was awake. Sweating and confused. In a haze, I sat and thought about this for a bit. What is going on in my mind? Why after a month of being unable to recall any dreams, good or bad, did this come out? Why now?

According to some online dream analysis, the meaning could be that I am taking on too much in my life. It could symbolize difficulty in making decisions about new opportunities, deep fear of change, confusion about making decisions for my future, regret and sadness for a missed opportunity, etc. Sounds pretty on par with what I'm dealing with these days.

I talked with a good friend a lot this weekend and he did a great job of listening and letting me go through the motions. In the process of going from a Friday night of feeling unsettled, fearful, stuck and unwanted to the calming clarity on Sunday night, I have realized something very important in the healing process of becoming a healthier and happier person. I am in control of how much emotional importance I put on situations or people. The space someone takes up in my life and how much I invest in them emotionally is actually my choice, not theirs. I am deserving of the closeness and caring that I put out and will give back what is reciprocated. I have been too available and at the end of the day, the only person hurt is me because of expectations I have set in my mind for someone to feel the same and act the same as I do. It is something I know I will need to remind myself of often. It is something I will need to actively practice. I often give a lot to those I care about and feel slighted when I do not get that in return. The only thing I can truly change is how I react and the decisions I make in response to their actions.

I have great friends and a compassionate support system that I am so thankful to have. I know I am not alone, even if I may physically be for moments in my life. Life is hard right now, but the journey will be all part of my story in the end and what has made me a more dynamic individual.

To a few of my friends who are experiencing their own pain right now – don’t give up. Breathe. Relax. Be present in the moment. Feel it, as uncomfortable as it may be. And own it! Easier said than done I realize, but it is not impossible. And I’m right there with you.

Stronger is How I See You

I haven't written a poem in a long time. Woke up, had a cup of hot coffee, and started to write...

Stronger is How I See You 

Do as I say, not as I do, she says through her actions as she beats down the weak.

Selfish motivation and personal gain feed the need to be seen; oh so vain. 

Forgetting right and wrong and the scale of measure.

Treasuring nothing about a friendship that was once strong and true. Not even the fact that they were once a family will do.

Glue that held the soul together has broken down, leaving the heart on the ground. 

Shadows and pain swallowed that heart, breaking it apart, left to mend. Lend a hand when a hand is wanted; most of the time it is out of reach.

Can you teach someone to see their worth? Birth of a new relationship, trusting and letting the heart love again?

When will it be time to close out the past and use it as a lesson moving on. Gone are the days where you will be dragged down in the ground. 

Sound of the birds chirping outside the window awaken a smile and a lighthearted notion, that you can be loved again in a more true fashion. 

The road block that stops you from sharing your soul can be torn down if you move past your frown and memories of what was promised and has been revoked. Choked and suffocated by what could have been and what is no longer. 

Stronger is how I see you. Look through my eyes to see who you are. Far from a broken person; opposite of unloveable; destine to be great.

Make the life you live special and whole. Full of all the sweetest things that were robbed from you the first time. Find your peace and reach for the stars. Far from over is your life as long as you try to give back and connect. 

Rectify the wrong; let go; pick up that heart left in the dust on the ground and surround yourself with beauty. 

You deserve it. 

Abandonment

This week several people mentioned to me that I discuss a lot of feelings in my blog, but avoid getting to the root of what is causing me to feel a certain way. It's true - I touch lightly on the actual cause of the emotions and talk a lot of the emotions themselves.

Hearing this from people really resonated and opened my eyes to a major flaw in my healing process. It is one step to identify what I am feeling, but I cannot move forward without discovering why I have the feelings in the first place.

I do recognize a lot of the causes of how I feel, but I am, believe it or not, a private person when it comes to some of the pain in my life. I keep what is most vulnerable close to my heart and not on display. In an effort to be a healthier, happier person, I will share with you some of what I've gone through that leaves me where I am today. 

One of the things I feel the most is the fear of abandonment. I can recall a memory from kindergarten when I was playing on the yard at recess and didn't hear the bell ring calling all the kids back to class. I had been playing on a jungle gym with the giant movable tic tac toe game at the back of the playground and was not noticed by the yard aid. I realized a few minutes later after everyone was back in class that I was alone. Instantly I forgot where my class was and remember the pit in my stomach as I panicked and thought I was left behind. 

I feel the same way now as an adult. I was told that it may be a result of being adopted. I don't doubt the validity in that. I don't recall a specific moment when I was told that I was adopted; I have always just known. And I've always felt like I was going to be left alone. And here I am, choosing to be divorced and alone and I'm really shook up. 

I feel alone in the sense of all of my relationships. If someone doesn't call to make plans, I feel like they have decided to move on. I know this isn't the case and I'm working hard to break the bad habit of feeling that way. I've looked at my life as temporary for a long time - where I live, what I do for work, jumping from one thing to the next. I'm realizing now that this is permanent. It's forever. And that finality is alarming. 

I hope you don't look at me as fractured or damaged. It is true that I am struggling through this transitional period of time in my life, but I'm doing the work to come out on top. I'm trying hard to put things into a healthier perspective and gain acceptance for who and where I am. 

I start therapy next week and so the journey in this blog will become, I assume, even heavier and more real. But I want to share it so that it feels less alone.