Feels More Like Work

I'm off of work for a week on what is supposed to be vacation, but it's more like a really extended weekend. I am a bit disappointed that I didn't plan anything to do, and taking time off while everyone is working has left me with only solo options for entertainment. I know there's nothing wrong with going to see a movie alone, but to me it is just not that enjoyable. These days alone is the last thing I want to do, especially when there are people in my life I actually want to spend time with.

I say a lot that I don't like people, but after the dream I had last night I don't think that is a fair statement. I actually really enjoy the company of those I care about. I am afraid I've pushed people away going through all the change over the past several months. I am worried I'll wake up one day and have no one in my life because I've shut everyone out. 

Today I am going to finish packing, work out, take myself to lunch and visit my new apartment. It is not a big place. Not lavish, or grand. It is small, humble, understated, historic, has some wear but all giving it character and charm. I think my new place is a lot like me. It doesn't need much, doesn't pretend to be anything it is not, and just wants to be loved and seen as beautiful for what it is. 

I can't wait to move. Both physically and mentally into a better head space. I woke up questioning a hell of a lot in my life right now. Thinking about what I have versus what I deserve. About what I share and what is shared with me. I feel like most of the time I put it all out there and am going to stop over sharing. I feel like there are people in my life I share too much with and those I don't share enough. I'm sure a good portion of my anxious worry can be attributed to the move this week, but it is also because I stopped to feel. There are some people in my life I wish would let me in more. Or be more expressive. No more over sharing for me. No more putting it all out there. I will put out what I get back and over time grow to know and understand. 

Today is supposed to be vacation, but it feels more like work. 

Dragging Ass and Taking Names

I'm exhausted this morning. Really dragging ass. It was one of those nights where it felt like I slept for only an hour. However, I am not too tired to be excited that after today I am off from work for a week. I am really looking forward to this time to sleep a bit more and hopefully have a little bit of fun. I am going to have to dedicate some time to school work and moving, which I know sounds like a lot, but I really want to make a conscious effort to put my phone down and have fun.

I remember as a kid I looked forward to vacation and the holidays. I used to get so excited for time away from school and would count down the days until vacation began. Even if I was doing nothing but spending time outside playing in the neighborhood, I was still excited for the free time and the possibilities. Every year I looked forward to the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and New Years. I really enjoyed the feeling of the holiday spirit; the time with family and friends and all the delicious food. There was a certain electricity that came with the family getting together for the holidays and as I got older the feelings of family and friends became even more important. When my dad passed away everything changed. The Jewish holidays in particular were no longer celebrated. Thanksgiving with my side of the family became practically nonexistent. Every year from his passing on forward Thanksgiving and Christmas were celebrated with my ex's family. I lost touch of my own.

This year I have even less excitement or anticipation for the holidays. I feel a great void when it comes to my family and find myself still wishing things had gone differently. I know that wishing for something like that does no one any good. Stomping my foot on the ground and yelling "ITS NOT FAIR" is not an option for a 31 year old adult. But it isn't fair. Life is really not fair.

This year I am also alone. The Jewish holidays were hard enough. Since I did not create a family of my own, I have no children to share in the joys of the holiday. Since I am no longer married, I have no spouse to ring in the new year with. Since I have no siblings, there is no house full of familiar faces to share Thanksgiving dinner with. I will have to learn how to have a holiday on my own. Make it in my own way.

I know this blog entry was originally about my vacation, but it is hardly that. I can't exactly call it a vacation because I still have all this on my mind. It is like a mental break. It is a short period of time to disappear, get things done, and be with those I care about and forget the upcoming holidays that really get me down. It is a much needed break in the chaos.

I am really dragging ass today. But I will get through it and get everything accomplished so I can disappear into my five days off, getting lost in time with those I enjoy and moving into a calmer, happier place. Today I am dragging ass and taking names.

Just Go With It

This morning I got up early with a bit of extra bounce in my step. We are all empowered or feel worth from different things, and for me it is being able to be there for someone. I find fulfillment in being able to give emotional support to someone I care about. Someone told me recently that I must not be aware of how amazing I am. What a compliment! I am not telling you this to brag, believe me I really don’t care to boast myself in any way. The point of sharing this is that I think this statement applies to most of us; at least the truly genuine, caring people who put others first. In giving back and doing things for those we care deeply for we are shown our goodness and compassion. I typically put people I love first – always asking if someone is comfortable, well fed, content, etc. Perhaps it’s the Jewish motherly instinct in me, or maybe it is just acting from the heart. I forget to look within and sometimes ignore the needs I have, not vocalizing what I want because I am too busy doing for others. I need to work on this.

In continuing the thinking that everything happens for a reason and life has a funny way of connecting events from day to day, it was completely appropriate to open the Facebook app on my phone while getting ready this morning and find an article posted by my friend discussing this very subject. Here is the link if you care to read it: http://elitedaily.com/life/greatest-moments-clarity-life-realizing-things-didnt-work-youre-better/773523/. The article explains that failures are completely necessary and that everything in your life happens in order for you to exist, even the unpleasant experiences. They all shape us into the individuals we were meant to be. Failures are actually some of the greatest occurrences in our lives as they remind us we are imperfect and that we always have more to learn and growth is always necessary.

The article concludes with the statement, “The moment you realize that not even loss itself can stop you, that sadness, despair, anger and fear cannot hold you back, is the moment you become perfect. Perfectly flawed, but perfect nonetheless.” This is so true and something I wish some people could truly understand. We will always disappoint other people at different points throughout our lives. We will always get upset, feel pain, mourn loss, but we must always grow from these experiences. 

I am on the mend personally and have shared a lot of my journey with you. Life has not been easy for me. I have struggled more than some and less than many, but nonetheless I have struggled. I am starting over and as I pack my apartment and the minimal belongings I have, I realize this really is the bottom. It is a clean slate. I am literally starting over from scratch and while I am apprehensive and nervous as I approach the new beginnings, I also am so excited and want to just give in to the joy and good energy I feel inside and just go with it. I am certain that I will fail again at several points in my life, and I accept that. I am okay knowing that each failure will bring me great strength and joy after I learn from it. 

In round two of my life, the second phase of my journey, I am giving in to what I feel. I’m not holding back anymore. I will share what I feel, voice what I want, get what I need, and just go with it.

Sun is Shining

I'm eating lunch alone down the street from my office trying to zone out and decompress. The song Sun Is Shining by Bob Marley comes on. Not only do I really love this song, but I was thinking about it the other day when I was feeling a bit melancholy. Sitting here, alone, feeling slightly anxious and overwhelmed, I was reassured by the song. It was not a coincidence. It's the much needed assurance that I'm alright and that I am exactly where I should be. I believe these occurrences are actually signs that we are on the right track and that we are being cared for. It was comforting. 

My godfather called me at my office yesterday to give me some fatherly advice and it made me feel so good to know he is watching after me. I felt loved and comforted in the fact that he's there as my dad can't be. No matter how old you are, the love of a parent is still very much needed. It was also very comforting.

Today is a good day. I am so much more positive even though I am feeling anxious. I'm moving in a little over a week and I'm not packed. I know it will all work out. I know I have support.

I'm just very appreciative of the people in my life who love me and help guide me. I am thankful for a wonderful, loving and absolutely hilarious Godfather. I am very grateful for people in my life who really listen to what I am saying or the feelings I'm expressing and actually understand me and are receptive. 

As Bob said, "Sun is shining, the weather is sweet, yeah." 

Morning Meditation

I

 I woke up this morning, kept my eyes closed, and took a deep breath aware of the flow of oxygen in my body; aware of my life and who I am. I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breath, bringing in positive thoughts with every inhale and expelling the negative thoughts with every breath out. I let my mind wander and found myself thinking about the woman I am today. I smile now reflecting on the start to my morning as I am acutely aware of who I am and how different I have become. I am present in every moment and much more subdued, knowing the true meaning of picking my battles.

In moving forward with any relationship, be it friendship or love, I have come to understand that communication is the most vital component. A relationship, in my opinion, is not going to last without this. And it seems like today there are so many rules on how we should "properly communicate" with a friend or partner. "Don't give out too much information about yourself because you don't want to seem too available," or "if a friend asks for advice don't be too honest because you don't want to offend," or "don't share too many feelings with someone because it will push them away." I feel like I need a manual to have a conversation with someone these days. People wonder why I feel such a lack of confidence in communicating or making decisions. Well, this is why.

With my eyes closed this morning I realized that I am happy being who I am now, a more muted version of my previously bull headed, boisterous personality. Of course I still have opinions, however I keep a lot to myself and analyze its importance before sharing. I have a much greater filter that I use more frequently. I enjoy being quiet and taking things in more than speaking and being heard. I find it exciting and enjoyable to have someone else make decisions or do more of the talking. I have really changed, mostly because of all I have been through in my life, especially in the past few years.

As I started to open my eyes I thought about all the different opinions I've heard recently about communication. I started to think about how I communicate my wants, thoughts and fears to those in my life. I realized I do not want to have to follow a specific set of parameters in order to share with someone how I feel. If I am bothered by something I should be able to say it and know that someone is receptive and open minded enough to take it in with a grain of salt, even if it is not something they may agree with. I shouldn't have to stifle expressing a feeling because I am afraid it will be poorly received. And in turn I need to always keep an open mind and be receptive to hearing how others feel, even if it may make me upset.

I am not in the business of playing games. I am a firm believer in tell it like it is and be honest and true to your feelings. I am not going to shy away from someone because they are honest, even if it is something I didn't want to hear. I am more likely to run from someone who is too afraid to speak their mind or plays games instead of using their words.

My final thought as I got out of bed was that I value certain things in my life more than I ever thought I would. I am more traditional than I realized. I like to say good morning and good night to those I care about, and really feel that there is value to good, solid communication. I like to make sure people know I am present and expect the same in return. I value quality time over quantity more than I ever did before. It is not about how much time you can spend with someone, but the quality of the time you do have that is truly important. I am way more sensitive than I ever realized. Yes, I like to joke around a hell of a lot, but deep down inside I am a girl with feelings and emotions and all that girly stuff I fought against for so many years. I am an emotional creature and can be quite gentle and loving.

I started my day with an awareness of the body and my presence in the world and in the lives of those I love. I allowed my emotions to be felt and my thoughts to exist and not be shoved down into a place of nonexistence. I smile as I finish this blog because I am happy. I am happy with what I have and look forward to what I can gain over time. I am happy with those in my life and look forward to time with them. I have a lot to celebrate and am actively making an effort to embrace who I am on a daily basis.

Only Child Syndrome

I am definitely an only child. I am SO inflexible when it comes to change or things going differently from what I had envisioned. I just had a thought provoking conversation with someone that touched on expectations and breaking promises. Both are heavy topics in my life. I have made it too easy to break promises to myself these past few months. Even promises as simple as shortchanging my time at the gym or driving all the way out to Brentwood to go to a Cardio Barre class then turning around and going home because I “worked hard” that day. Every time I break a promise to myself I am let down and lower my opinion of myself.  And in doing so it affects my relationships and interactions with other people.

I also set my expectations for myself and other people WAY too high. I expect things to go exactly how I imagine them or got my heart set on, which is a recipe for being consistently let down and upset. I know I am putting myself in a negative space emotionally by doing this. The thought just occurred to me – what makes me so special that everyone should do things exactly how I want them to be done or think of me in the way I think I should be cared for? What obligation do people have to be a friend the same way I am to them? Just because I put 100% into my friendships does not necessarily mean they should as well. And while I’m conducting an honest examination of my life, I don’t know if I really am putting 100% into my friendships as I should be. There are several friends I have flaked on and neglected and have absolutely no good reason for it other than selfishness and laziness.

To be completely honest, this is what is getting me down. It is truly selfish and quite ridiculous that this is the trivial issue that is plaguing me at the moment. But in an effort to expel these negative feelings and be honest, I will share with you…

I really hate when plans are changed on me. I hate when things break out of the normal, anticipated cycle. I am very selfish about my time with people I really want to be with and when things are changed up on me I shut down and go to an “all or nothing” way of thinking. I feel unimportant; unwanted; unrecognized. I am sure that isn’t that case (or maybe it really is), and I know it is a completely unhealthy way to feel. I believe it comes from being that only child that was loved so deeply and given so much. I was given all the attention and rarely had to share. I always had both my parents’ attention and was entertained constantly. I was not left wanting and am very grateful for all the things my parents provided for me as a result of their hard work and dedication to family. I was the top priority for so long that I know nothing else.

This may be true for when I was a child, but I am a 31 year old adult with a hell of a lot of life experience and a good head on my shoulders. I should know better than to be this way. Expectations set too high equal constant let down. I am no more special than anyone else and I am no more deserving of someone’s time. Plans change. People get busy. Time is always marching along. Things come up. Flexibility and adaptation to unexpected changes are mandatory for a happy existence. I’m no longer a child with all the attention and focus on me. The world does not revolve around Erin.

Instead, my focus should be on keeping promises to myself and having more realistic expectations for my capabilities, my future, and the people around me. I hope that I can really learn to quiet this anxious unrest in my heart and settle into living a life where I trust the people I choose to keep close. I hope I find some harmonious balance and understanding for the fluctuation in life.

To Thine Own Self Be True?

I am at a point in my life where I am more open and honest with my friends and those I care about than I have ever been before. As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I am actively breaking down the wall I spent years constructing out of self defense. I had a great night having dinner with a dear friend, opening up and being completely myself. It feels so good to be me, for better or worse; honest about who I am and what I feel.

I have spent so long hiding. I used to shy away from discussing things that truly bothered me and realize now that really does no one any good. It is not fair to myself. I got this tattoo on my wrist several years ago that says, "to thine own self be true." It is the advice Polonius gives to his son Laertes in Act 1 of Shakespeare's Hamlet. I have forgotten to take my own advice and honor the quote I felt so important that I put it permanently on my body.

I let my guard down recently and let someone in. I am feeling vulnerable and want to know definitively that I am not going to get hurt. I want to know there is real substance and commitment. Truth be told the whole process of opening up and showing my true colors scares the shit out of me. Most people in my life, as I know I've said in my blog entries before, only get to see the parts of myself I am comfortable sharing. The parts of my personality I deem "approved." I rarely show the other parts of my personality that are more obsessive, controlling, even a bit negative. I try to keep that to myself so I do not offend or make a bad impression. So that I am not judged. But nonetheless they are a part of me and it has become clear to me recently that if I am hiding these parts of my personality there must be a good reason. I am working so hard on improving what I find unacceptable about myself or worthy of change. I want to be better. I am always trying to improve and be the best I can be. I really care a lot.

For those I have let in, you know who you are, I am who I am and I hope you take that as it is and do not abuse it. I have let you in for a reason. I am me - the good, the bad and the ugly. We are all just people trying to sort out the chaos and confusion life throws at us, trying to make the best of the cards we are dealt and build our empire. We are all trying to set examples and be leaders in our own right. I ask that you do not judge me. That you embrace the change we are all facing, with understanding. I ask that you take me with a grain of salt and treat me kindly.  I ask that you are upfront and honest even if it may be unpleasant. I ask that you be a true friend. Life has been unbalanced for a very long time and it was not until recently that it started to feel right again. To feel safe and whole.

It was a great night with a great friend. And it was nice to be true to myself and be accepted.