A Bipolar Year with a Happy Ending

I ended 2014 with a vacation which was such a great way to close out a year that has been trying and has often tested my ability to cope and my resolve. I was put through my paces and faced some real pain, but have managed to overcome and stay positive through it all. I feel like I’m ending 2014 on a very hopeful note and am ready to conquer 2015, making life happen instead of waiting for adventure to take place.

2014 was a bipolar year for me. A total up and down roller coaster from one extreme to another. I had some hard times, especially the most painful part of it all, which was ending my marriage after being together a total of twelve years. I don’t take that lightly and it has been a very difficult and eye opening experience going through the divorce process. I’ve put a lot out there for you to read and have shed light on what it is like learning how to live alone after never really doing so, but there are some deep personal wounds that come from such a journey that I have kept very quiet and close to my heart. Getting divorced has tested my will, my resolve, my ability to love, my openness and my heart. It has made me question everything about the person I am and what I will become. It has made me reconsider what I want out of my life and the values of family.

But it has also opened my eyes to the life I can live and to my full potential that I have not been living up to. It has made me closer to my friends, a better listener, more understanding, driven and accepting. I have a greater passion for love and living true to oneself. Out of being on my own has come an independence that has been burning inside me like a furnace, pushing me to travel and make decisions and stand up for myself. I see value in the person I have grown to be that I was unaware of before.

This past year has also brought new people into my life that I am so very thankful for. I have had opportunities to make good friends that I know are lifelong and just as thankful for our friendship as I am. Through these friends I have been able to learn different types of love and have found a silly side to my personality. I have grown from them, been encouraged and found true companionship. In some of my friends I have been able to see a lot of qualities my dad used to have, feeling as if he is even more so still with me just in a different form.

Within this year I have helped my mom recover from a freak accident, watching our relationship grow and mature. I said goodbye to my last grandparent, accepted the permanent distance between my father’s family and I, learned how to be more accepting of my emotions and even began to meditate. I received a promotion at work, moved to a place I absolutely love, found inner peace and love for myself. The growth in 2014 has shown me the importance of being open and honest about feelings and intentions. It was a year about acceptance, recognition, ownership, love, healing, kindness, charity and embracing change.

To my friends who have been by my side throughout the year – thank you! I know I have been a pain in the ass, overemotional as well as completely closed off, timid and hesitant, loud and obnoxious, direct and rude, etc. I have not always been the best friend that I know I could be and I promise 2015 will be better. Thank you for not giving up on me.

To my friends who are struggling with the closing of one year and unresolved issues – you are not alone. Life is funny and has a way of teaching us lessons we were unaware we needed to learn. If you feel you have not been successful or accomplished much this past year, you are wrong. You have taught me to be better, stronger, and more open, take myself less seriously, and push myself to learn more. You have been a great friend and that is definitely something to take pride in.

This vacation to Baltimore, even more so than the last trip, has opened my eyes to my ability to choose for myself. The most important thing that I have learned within 2014 has been my voice. I have learned that I have the voice to speak up and choose my own destiny. I am the only one who can decide my happiness and the direction of my future and it is my responsibility to myself and everyone in my life to speak up.

2015, I’m coming for you! You have no idea the force that is heading your way. Here’s to a new year full of change, good fortune, new beginnings, the good kind of unknown, friendships and love.

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Old Friends Who Just Met

Last night I met a very old friend, whom I haven’t seen in 7 years, for a drink. I parked a few blocks away and walked to the bar; trying to expel any nervous energy from anticipating what it would be like spending time together after so many years. I got there early, as I typically do when I’m nervous, and sat at a table eagerly awaiting an awkward hello. I expected the night to be extremely uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and full of uncomfortable silences and speaking over one another. I was not sure if we would be able to resume our friendship after such an abrupt end 7 years ago.

As my friend walked in there was an instant sense of comfort and familiarity, as if those 7 very busy years were just a moment in time, like we had never lost touch. I completely forgot any reason why we stopped talking at that moment. I got up and gave him a hug and couldn’t wait to hear his story, congratulate him on his marriage, find out how his family was doing, and get to know him all over again for the man he had become.

The night continued on and time flew by without us even noticing. It was so enjoyable getting to know what he had been doing with his life and learn about his beautiful wife and their relationship. It was great to find out about how his family, which I once felt was family of my own, was doing. It felt as if the evening ended too quickly and we both parted ways, promising to be in each others lives.  

The most amazing part of the night was not that we were able to pick up a friendship as if no time had passed. My friend did something I consider extremely classy and admirable. It was something many people never do. He apologized for any time he was not a good friend. He explained himself and took ownership of not being a good friend to me when I needed hi m when my dad got sick and passed away. He shared his disappointment with himself for not being there at my wedding. It was already water under the bridge for me, but hearing his words was powerful.

It takes real courage to apologize for something like that. It takes responsibility and true character to be honest with yourself and others about your flaws and take ownership of wrongdoing. He may never fully know how much that meant to me.

I am very lucky to get second chances like this in my life. To know that I have a friend who thought about his actions and made good on bad behavior and that I too could apologize for any times I was not there as I should have been. It was one of the most honest and real conversations I’ve had with a friend and a moment in my life I will never forget.

My friend is back and I am looking forward to years of friendship, getting to know his family and the life he lives now as an adult. I am glad that we have both become mature adults and are able to know each other at this point in our lives. It really was a holiday gift to have our friendship rekindled. I have so much to be thankful for.

Part 2 - The Story of Brooklyn

She wasn't necessarily running away as much as she was starting over. The past decade was spent in a relationship with a man she met when she was very young and unsure of herself. Life hadn't been easy on her, throwing curve balls of tragedy and loss her way far too often. She finally got the courage to take back her life and start fresh.

The wind gets warmer as the morning approaches early afternoon and the sun rays kiss her cheeks through the windshield. She was no longer smiling as she reminisced about the past three months and the incredible pain she felt from letting someone in to her most private and secretive world. She had met someone that she thought was genuine and connected and ended up seeing the ugly truth. After putting herself out there, leaving her vulnerability and sensitivity exposed, she was left feeling used and slighted. She was not cared for as she deserved, hurt and let down, begging for passion and equal care, always feeling like she was there as a service to him when it suited his needs.

Each memory as it races through her mind causes the tears to build up and it gets harder to choke it down. Before she realizes it she is driving faster into the wind sobbing and asking why she wasn't good enough to love under her breath. It wasn't that she still cared for him or wanted him to reciprocate the affection now. It was too late for that. It was the closure from an explanation that she needed to hear from his mouth that wasn't the bullshit lines he'd been feeding her for months.

She needed to know why he pulled away and why she wasn't good enough, even though deep down inside she knew it was him who had been broken from a trusting love he thought he had with someone else. He had been damaged perhaps beyond repair and lost his own vision of self respect and worth. He had forgotten how to trust and love because he was hurt so badly by his past failures. He was blinded by his pain so badly that he was unable to recognize she was a beautiful, smart, capable, strong woman who would have cared and loved him had he let her. Although hard to believe at this moment, she will learn with confidence that he will never find any better or truer woman than her.

The tears start to dry up as she closes that chapter of thoughts in her mind and reevaluates her situatuon. She is driving with a destination in mind. She is not going to be alone forever. He was just a chapter in a long story of her life, most of it left to unfold. The story of Brooklyn.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Wayne Dyer recently posted on Facebook this quote above and said that the holidays are a good time to focus on reconnecting with the spirit of love and living life to the fullest. Making a personal promise to live life in a more meaningful way will make each moment more enjoyable and we should approach life with a child-like awe and appreciation for its beauty.

This really resonates with me, and is something I often try to do. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the daily drama and be blinded by material and surface issues that often leave us forgetting about the small miracles that happen each day. It is so easy to get suck on selfish thoughts and so absorbed in our own lives that we forget what is important to those around us that we care about.

I read what Dyer wrote last night and found myself wishing more people did exactly what he was saying. I wish more people could get out of their own concern long enough to remember things that are important to other people like a first day at a new job, or a big meeting they were nervous to have, and take time to make sure that person knows they are being thought of. I wish people cared more and recognized that a quick text, a phone call on an important day, or even the simple act of remembering something someone told them goes a hell of a long way to another person.

But the most difficult challenge is not accepting the fact that people can be selfish and often forget what is important to others unintentionally, it is making sure you do not change how you behave in spite of it all. There are times when I want to refrain from reaching out to someone just because they have forgotten to ask me how something went when they knew I was going to do something I was scared to do. I realize it is petty of me to think like that, but after a while I feel like a fool for being more concerned with their well being than they care for me.

Inner dialogue does eventually lead me to realizing that just because someone is more selfish than I am, I should not compromise my values and be any less caring of an individual. What I can do is change my expectations of them and rely on their closeness a hell of a lot less. A friendship and especially companionship is something I take very seriously and I have always expected that what I put in I should receive in return.

With the holiday season here I am thinking about family, friendships and love a lot more. I am very thankful for the friendships I have and the life I live. I have endless opportunities ahead of me as long as I am receptive to change, willing to try, open to new adventures and honest with myself. I have friends who encourage and inspire me and I should tell them more often that they do so. I should be more open with my feelings and let people in.

I love hard. It is a fact. I used to want to change that about myself, but no longer see it as a bad thing. If the right person is out there for me, they must understand that about me and respect it. Communication is everything. Relationships with people I care about and their lives and experiences are more valuable and important to me than any material thing. Life is worth living to the fullest, love is worth experiencing. It really isn’t a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to new love. I think it is not worth living a life where you are scared to take a step, controlled in an old and comfortable routine. Life is a challenge to embrace, accept and challenge back.

If you are my friend, new or old, you are someone I love deeply. If you are someone I love, I care about you. If I didn’t show it enough this year, I am sorry. I will do better next year. I promise.

Love hard. Live hard. Enjoy the ride.

Part One - She Was The Road

She knew there was going to be a long stretch of road ahead of her, but it did not matter. The cold air blew through her hair, knotting strands together as she passed by one mile marker after another. The open road was slick from the overnight rain. The lines dividing her lane from that of opposing traffic were blurry and had lost their reflectiveness over time and wear. Her chest was tight and sweat slowly dripped from her brow as she watched her hometown get smaller and smaller in her rear view mirror until it was practically nonexistent. She was really doing it. The nervousness was excitement and anticipation.

For as long as she can remember she had wanted to get all of her belongings in order and disappear onto the road in the middle of the night, heading to a new city with interesting strangers to get to know. She had desired a fresh start in a place where she was able to reinvent the woman she had become and grow to really find herself. She had hoped that within this new destination she would find her heart and her true passion. Her heart is something that had gotten so small over the past ten years. It had been reduced to preservation and a daily routine, but had been so long since it beat strongly with purpose.

Her mind was sharp as a tack despite the fact that it was three o’clock in the morning. She had made sure to leave before the sun and before anyone she knew would realize she had disappeared. She hated formal goodbyes and knew that there were people in her life that would try to stop her at any expense. No one seemed to understand that this was something she had to do for herself and that for the first time in her life she was choosing to be selfish.

As the sky started to lighten and the day started to form she realized the quiet was so great. She realized that it was just her, a full tank of gas, a cold car and the seemingly endless horizon ahead of her. Every breath in filled her lungs with new purpose and excitement at the thought of all the newness to her life. It was the idea of starting over, bringing minimal belongings that were just enough to get by, and not knowing anyone that put a smile on her face. She had stripped her life down to only the bare essentials to survive after several tragic events that left her feeling helpless and lacking. It was the sequence of these events, one following another, that spurred her feelings of desire for change and personal reinvention. 

The sun started to peak through the clouds over the hills far off in the distance. Rolling down the windows, she turned on the classic rock station with a smile on her face. It had been so long since she smiled genuinely. She realized it was more than just driving this morning. She realized that she herself was the open road, miles of experience and wear behind her fading into the distance and uncharted territory waiting for her up ahead. She was the fresh, cold morning air sharp and biting at times, but refreshing. She was the sunrise peeking through the clouds, with her newly discovered positivity. She was so alive and free.