Let You In - Shut Me Out

I have written and erased the start of this blog four times. I don't know why, but I feel like nothing is good enough. I feel like no subject is interesting enough to write about; like nothing I write is worthy. I think I may be projecting.

I have a bit of a heavy heart at the moment and am doing a lot of reflecting these days. That shift I wrote about hasn't changed, in fact it may be worse. I feel like everything is awkward without cause. Like one day out of the blue there was no more of the normal I was used to and awkwardness has become the constant. I miss the normal way of things. Is it me? Did I do something wrong to disrupt the balance of the universe? Sigh.

I'm still me, same old strange, crazy me...right? I may just be a more emotional version with a giant heart full of care and good intentions that I struggle to show the right way. But it's still me. 

Is this interesting yet? Blog worthy? I still don't think so... Is it more interesting when I get personal? I know that the more intimate the information the more we feel like we are special and "in the know", but I struggle. I am torn between wanting to share to not only get it out but to maybe help someone else going through the same thing and the thought that my really personal issues are nobody elses fucking business. 

I am worried that when you read this you will only see me for my flaws; for all the issues I am battling and not for the other parts of me that make me whole. I worry that I will never be the same to you and that my life will seem like a giant complaint. If I truly let you in I hope you don't shut me out. 

This is one of my deepest worries and deepest struggles; and one of the biggest reasons why I try to act like its all okay.

Helping Myself

I am much more motivated today than other Saturdays. I made it to the gym without hesitation and without anyone giving me an extra push. I am responsible for what I do and do not do and if I want to get in shape, look good and feel fabulous it is up to me only me. I can't rely on anyone else to get me here and help me meet my goals - I have to drive myself. 

So here I am, back on this machine, working up a very healthy sweat, thinking about the events of the day to follow. We have this BBQ to attend at a friends new home. There will be a few old friends there and people I've either never met or met once in passing. I am actually a bit nervous. 

Not because of who is going to be there or because of any social awkwardness; because of the unknown emotional response I may have. As I've mentioned in a few other blogs, my 30's have started out with a bit of difficulty in terms of my feelings on the milestones I've hit or rather not hit by this point in my life. I've been feeling a tremendous amount of pressure about being married 5 years and not having a home with a picket white fence and a child. So today, going to the new home of an old acquaintence who is 6 months pregnant and only married one year weighs heavy on my mind. 

It's honestly nothing against them at all; I truly am very happy for them and can really see how happy they both are. It is an insecurity within myself combined with an unreasonable dose of jealousy that I'm dealing with. But that's exactly what I'm doing - dealing with it. 

I figure I'm right in the middle - I do boy have the fairy tale home or the bun in the oven, but I'm also married to a great guy and I'm establishing a successful career while he builds a successful business that is the foundation for our future. I am right in the middle of the spectrum of life and I'm actually happier than I realized. 

It helps to take a step back and gain perspective on each situation. There isn't one prescribed path everyone must take in life. That is a dated way of looking at things. There are more options out there then stay at home mom of three and overworked father. A dual income no kids family dynamic is acceptable too!

As far as my outlook on today, I will go with a heart full of happiness for their success and congratulate them sincerely. And I will remember that for us, all of our mandatory hard work, blood, sweat and tears, will eventually pay off and give us our own version of success. 

Cosmic Shift

Was there some sort of cosmic shift in the universe that I am unaware of? Everything feels off. I feel disconnected from so many people and feel like in a matter of days everything normal has been altered by a force beyond my control.

I know I tend to cycle from Mrs. positive, super charged go getter, hyper puppy mode to sarcastic, subdued and even a bit withdrawn, but this time I know it's not me. I feel it. I can't explain exactly what it is, I just feel uneasiness; things are off. 

I feel it within my own relationships with friends, acquaintances and coworkers. It's as if overnight something happened that altered the dynamics of communication; that put an odd silence in the middle; a heavy seriousness. 

It may be intuition or just coincidence, but I know it is something and I don't like feeling like this. I understand we all go through our own emotional shifts and completely respect that process for everyone. I just find it hard not to take things personally even though I try. 

I know I'm basically whining like a little baby because things aren't "fun" right now and because my world just seems off and I don't like it...but dammit I don't like it!

I think what really bothers me about it all is not having reason or explanation for the sudden shift in personalities. It just happened abruptly. Did I do something wrong? Have I offended people? 

I am no more special than the next person and am not owed an explanation just because I want one. This is one of the hard parts about being a grown up. I can handle responsibility any day. Throw expectations my way and I've got it covered. But not knowing the reason for something being a certain way or feeling disconnected and not sure why is another story. 

I wish people would just acknowledge the shift and vocalize when they need space or use their words to express their feelings of disconnect in a constructive way. I'm a big girl for the most part and can handle it. Sure I may not like what I hear and likewise you might not either, but it's better than pretending nothing is wrong. 

At least it is Friday. A weekend does everyone good and I can only stay positive that the universe will sleep off the cosmic shift and energy will be restored to normal in the new week to come. 

Change It Up

I think a lot about different topics to write about and things that would be issues that anyone reading this could relate to. (I'm still shocked people actually follow this blog!) A topic on my mind is change. Change is a multifaceted topic for which I have many thoughts.

I look at change as something inward and something outward. It is something that is done and something one must work at. It is something one must accept. 

I hate change initially, but I realize it's healthy. With life constantly evolving change is inevitable. I know it's a challenge, but you have to break out of your pattern and change it up.

I've faced change in terms of my friendship circle. I've dealt with the change of my family dynamic. I've changed personally as far as what I want out of my life, my relationship, my career...I've grown and have learned that everything needs adjusting as time goes on. 

A big area that requires work and change is relationships. If you are in a relationship and have a partner unwilling to change, get out. This is your only option. A relationship is work and requires constant examination, learning, growth and CHANGE! It doesn't work when your partner is unwilling to do anything differently: when they only have one way of thinking and are not flexible to try anything beyond that. That just doesn't work and all you'll get out of that is a crabby, miserable life in the same emotional spiral over and over again expecting a different result.

Change is also required when dealing with life's lemons. Quick change in fact. You never know what crazy shit may head your way, so be ready to change. 

I am not sure if you know this about me or not, but I am constantly self examining and looking for areas of improvement. I put out a cynical, sarcastic front but on the inside I'm a deeper person. I am more positive than I present outwardly and am always trying to tweak things about myself that require tweaking. I truly believe in being the best version of yourself or at least working towards it. 

I try to understand and accept change that is necessary in my life. I try to change my way of thinking or my approach to issues to better my relationship. I work on my own issues of self loathing and lack of confidence in an effort to change into a more positive, successful person. I try to change my inner voice when she is overly critical or harsh without cause.

I think most importantly is having those in your life also willing to do the work and change. I don't want stagnant, miserable people in my life bringing me down. If I try and cannot help them I must help myself by moving on, friends and family included. No one deserves people in their lives who bring them down; life is hard enough without that. 

So get out there and change it up. Stir the pot of your life, find the fucking motivation deep in your core, remember the fantastic person you are and keep in mind the people who do encourage you to change for the better and do it! You are never alone unless you choose to be. 

Have a great 4th of July! 

Judgement Day

I absolutely love people watching. I think it's so much fun to make up a story about who each person is; where they come from, where they are going, their personality traits. I get a lot of good people watching time in at the gym. I have started to notice some definite character traits in people that lead to my assumption of what type of person they must be.

Take the girl on the rowing machine. She has her straight brown shoulder length hair pulled back tightly in a low ponytail. She is wearing a gray tank top and back leggings with some generic Nike running shoes on her feet. With every pull of the rowing bar into her body she stares intensely into her reflection in the mirror, grunts audibly, and checks out her form. She is a perfectionist. She does the same thing with every pull, rigidly moving back and forth, always checking herself in the mirror. She has a decent body that she clearly works on with regularity, but she thinks she is way hotter than she truly is. She must be a perfectionist: a goody goody; a total kiss ass. 

And then there is the middle-aged man in the Superman t-shirt. I'd say he is about 45, jet black evenly cut generic hair, lean body type, with a purposeful five o'clock shadow. He meticulously wipes down the treadmill for several minutes before getting on. Once on the machine he spends a considerable amount of time adjusting it to the most perfect workout. Alas ten minutes later his workout begins. He screams control freak! Everything in his life is done on purpose and is strictly controlled. He is wound up tight, a cautious Carl, probably an accountant. 

Lastly there is the belly dancing elliptical woman. She is definitely of Middle Eastern decent although she will tell you she's an exotic American. She is a curvy woman built like a tube of toothpaste, wearing a neon pink sports bra which she is pouring out of (not in a good way) and light gray leggings that have a sweat line accentuating her ass crack. She has dark brown, sloppy hair that is all over the place, basically one eyebrow, and a five o'clock shadow on her armpits. Did I mention she is dancing on the elliptical? Yes...you read correctly. She has her arms up in the air and is doing her rendition of the "sexy dance" while trying to feel the burn. Miss thang is rubbing her hands up and down the sides of her body while shaking her booty in some out of sync rhythm. She thinks she is the hottest woman in the gym. She wants every eye on her and is really working it in her mind. She is a hot mess. A sloppy, disheveled, smelly, hairy mess begging for a makeover on the style network's What Not To Wear. 

I sound like a total bitch, right? I'm sure I've offended several of you reading this right now... I have very harshly judged these innocent strangers whom I know nothing about...and I am probably wrong about all of it. But it begs the question, shouldn't you always put your best foot forward? You never know who is judging you or who you will meet, so why not put a little effort in yourself? Why not work on your outward appearance, both physical and emotional? I don't think it's conceited to dress to impress as long as it is within reason. You should be aware of how you represent yourself, the attitude you display and how you look. Not because of assholes like me unfairly casting judgement, but because you care  about you. 

Lastly - sorry for offending. You won't always like what you read ;) 

Share!!

I've been asked a few times how I can be comfortable writing so openly and have been commended for putting it all out there so publicly in this blog. I have been told by several people that they have shared many of the same fears or feelings I've written about and haven't been able to share it before reading my blog. I am very humbled and honored that my writing and sharing of my experiences have meant something to people. But I also say to them...share!

Of course it's not easy to open up and share the intimate fears and struggles of your life, especially in such a public forum. But your struggles, fears, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, whatever may be plaguing you must come out. It is not only unhealthy to ball everything up into a painful supernova of negative emotion, but you should have people in your life you genuinely trust that you can allow in and help you. 

Chances are if someone is close to you and willing to lay it all on the line and let you in, you are able to do the same. I have very few people in my life that I have allowed to see the true person I am, every side to me, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a few people close enough to me to know how much I care, how truly sensitive I am, how hard I love, and how guarded I come across. 

I have made a serious effort to allow myself to trust enough to share who I am and what I am feeling. More people need to do this - let someone trying to help in, shed the tough skin and be upfront about your woes. We all have good days and shitty days, sometimes more shitty than good. But if someone lets you help them, tear down your wall and let them help you back. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is okay to feel and alright to let people in. I just wish more people would do the same. 

And also related to letting out your feelings, I have been thinking a lot about personal responsibility for our emotions and what we allow to get us down in the first place. Most of us do not seem to be aware of how much our moods affect others close to us. I am guilty of this and am trying to be more aware of how my actions or emotions affect others.

I've also realized that I have control over who I let put me in a bad mood or hurt me. It's amazing how much better life is when you realize this. You can fight me, yell, scream, jump up and down, try to push me around, get jealous, act a fool, do whatever you wish; but you are not going to get me down or break my stride. It's not worth letting my whole day turn to shit because of someone elses emotions. 

I can only control and be responsible for my own feelings and actions. I can only live my life focusing on my own fears and feelings, letting in those close to me to help me along the way. And I really need to remember not to take myself so damn seriously!

It's Never Too Late My Ass

Back to my previous entry A Big Regret, I have made some bad choices that have left a negative impact on my future. For the first time in my life I am really feeling the consequences of my choices. I wish I could go back and stop myself in my tracks and reset my way of thinking to make the right decision.

I started thinking back to my past choices and what I could do now to rectify some of the wrong decisions I made and realize it is so hard, basically impossible to do some of the things I should have done before. The saying "it's never too late" is a farce! It's a lofty, positive way to make your bad decisions less painful to stomach, but honestly it is too late to do certain things now.

My choice to quit school was stupid. Listen up future leaders and decision makers - go to fucking college! It is not only vital to your future success but why struggle when you don't have to? Get your dumb asses to school! You WILL regret it if you don't. I do. It really is too late to go back; I am too busy with work; have too many other bills to pay; have a family to worry about. The school ship has sailed.

Here is another stupid one...my choice to spend almost all of my 20's making money and spending it faster than it came in on alcohol and having fun with friends. Sure I had a blast; I made some really great memories of silly nights, went on a few trips, saw a handful of rock shows. But they were all moments, nothing that was really beneficial to my future. I have nothing to show for it except some funny pictures and a few stories to tell. But the choice to blow all our money going out is why we are struggling so hard right now. And friends who partied with us then who did manage to get ahead and are more successful now had help from family. It is too late - I cannot go back and erase what has been done. I can't go back and get the money back or change my decisions. I can only move forward from here on out, which I have been doing for several years now, but I will always be playing catch up.

My father used to say to my grandma "Erin will get there, she just has to do things her way on her terms, have patience with her." While I am kind of offended because it makes me sound slightly "special", it is sadly true. I do things the way that makes sense for me, when I am ready, when I decide its time. This way of living is detrimental. I used to think it was admirable and showed maturity or determination. It doesn't. It is stupid and holds you back. There will always be people smarter than you, with more experience or education, that can help guide you if you let them. So let them! If someone tells you to stay in school because you will regret it and will struggle, it's true so listen! If someone shows you an easier way to do something try it their way; it will most likely work and save you a hell of a lot of trouble! 

I have learned lessons from my bad choices, which is the only reason I am not more bitter or filled with more self anger and disappointment. I have learned, albeit the hard way, and have been able to make much better, more responsible choices as a result.