Let's Get Real

I have a harder time writing when I'm happy, which is actually quite sad. But it is the truth. I find myself searching for something to write about instead of just writing about why I am so happy. I find that readership of my sadder, more "real" blog entries is significantly higher than those that are more positive. Perhaps people are searching for comfort in the honesty and openness of my struggles. Or maybe it is just the specific topic that draws people in. I haven't really examined any of the data to make a truly educated guess.

So here is a real topic for you to ponder... moving on and embracing change. Moving on is a reoccurring theme in my life these days and is something I think I am becoming pretty good at. I am trying my hardest to embrace the change and the new aspects of my life. In round two of my life I am working hard to be less of a control freak. Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand waiting until the last minute to confirm plans or the feeling of being unprepared for an event. I am still very much so afraid of the unknown. The difference is I am trying to harness that fear and use it to get past my hurdles.

Since I've been on my own I have decided that the only way to truly change is to force myself to do all the things I am afraid of and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Here's a little secret about me... I used to hate the unknown and the possibilities of awkward run-ins with old friends so much I would wait in the car if I was meeting a friend somewhere until I knew that they were already there. I would fill up my schedule so I was always doing something with someone so I never had to be alone. I lacked confidence and strength.

Today I am a different woman. I actually enjoy a night to myself, not all the time of course, but every now and then I think it is refreshing to jump in the car, grab a bite to eat alone, and take a drive. I like to be left with my thoughts (provided they are not self defeating and negative). I think it is healthy to be comfortable in your own skin. I also force myself to take part in social gatherings and situations that I would instinctively shy away from and engage in conversation with strangers whenever I get the chance.

I don't want to be held back by my own irrational fears and lack of confidence. I want to live a happy life and be able to show my friends and those around me who I truly am inside. There are very few people I really let in. I have a pretty tall wall up around me keeping me safe and protected from judgements and peoples unnecessary cruelty. But my wall has a hard time discerning between those who are hurtful and those who care. A wall is a wall and once it is up it prevents anyone, even those with the best of intentions and care, out of my life and it becomes impossible to make real connections.

In moving on I am also moving forward. I am scared of starting over and letting those in who really care, but I also very excited about it. I enjoy the process of being open and honest about what I feel and what I think with those I care about. I am learning a lot from being able to share the process of healing and rebuilding through this blog. Writing it out and telling my story makes me feel less alone and takes the sting out of being thirty one years old and starting life over again. It makes it so much easier to know that I have people in my corner and that possibly I am helping them go through their own journey.

I can only say for sure that I am who I am. I work hard to stay in shape and hope to become even stronger and more beautiful as I age. I try to learn as much as I can and educate myself to be even smarter. I want to surround myself with those who make me laugh and smile so I always have a happy, light heart. I try to give back to people I care about, being there as a shoulder to cry on and a comfort. I am working on being a better friend, daughter, more loving, more gentle, more understanding, much more patient.

Life isn't easy right now, but I know I am moving on; changing; moving forward. Growing. Loving. And I know I am cared for.

The Perfect Day

Echo Park Lake

 A perfect day is one that is effortless. It begins with having no expectations and limitless possibilities for adventure. It is a day where there is no pressure for time and no stress about what to do, or where to eat, or what to say. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything and you can sit in silence and be completely content with a smile and a stare. A perfect day is spending time with someone who genuinely wants to be there with you, in the moment. It is a day you never want to forget that you don’t want to end. 

Days like this are a breath of fresh air for me. I am so appreciative of them and want to stay in the moment and take it all in; all the conversation, the sounds around me, the smells of fresh baked scones and taste of a cold fresh strawberry dipped in sweet cream. I want to hold on to the feeling of the sun warming my shoulders as I watch the ducks swim in a circle and engage in thought provoking conversation. I could honestly be talking about anything, it is the moment that I want to preserve. 

I woke up with a smile on my face and realized that I am coming out of a fog. I feel more certain about who I am and what I want. I feel sure of my capabilities and am learning how to love myself more and more each day. I feel optimistic about the future and look forward to the journey and the possibility of new beginnings.

My heart is full and happy today. I am more sure of myself than I have ever been and know that if I stay true to myself and work hard to be the best version of myself that I can be, I will be loved and will be happy. I am scared but embrace the idea of change and taking a chance. 

Yesterday was the perfect day and for that I am very thankful. 

Biological Father

This is Mike. He is my biological father. Mike and I met a few years ago and are starting to build a friendship. Many of you may not know that I was adopted at birth. I was given an incredible childhood full of love, education, silliness, and adventure. My dad was everything to me and will always be the only father I have.

Mike and I started talking a few years ago when I reached out to him curious about the other person responsible for my creation. Lately he has taken an interest in being an active participant in my life and is making the effort to get to know me.

My intention with this entry is not to showcase Mike, but to vent the feelings I had following lunch with him yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. I can't seem to say that enough. I know the first holiday after a divorce is difficult, but this may be the hardest part of yesterday for me. I met Mike for lunch on Yom Kippur. I know, I should have been fasting... bad Jew! But it was the only time we could meet before he left for a three week trip to Italy and he really wanted to see me before he left. We met for a late lunch at a cute cafe and had a wonderful time catching up, telling stories of who we were in the past, laughing and smiling. It was a very pleasant afternoon. He made it very clear that he wanted to be a part of my life and get involved. I should be happy.

But I left feeling deeply saddened by the fact that it was lunch with my biological father instead of my dad who raised me, was my best friend, and was not here with me anymore. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart that I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt the void of him being gone ripping me apart and reminding me that the one person I want to be there for me throughout this period of transition in my life is just not able to. I was again very aware of his absence and my heart hurt so much. Driving home over Laurel Canyon I could hardly catch my breath. I couldn't stop the tears and couldn't get past the emptiness. I was back to where I was 11 years ago; angry that he is gone too soon and asking why this had to happen.

The whole weekend has been very emotional. I make light of a lot of things and diffuse uncomfortable situations with humor in order to deflect any real emotion if its something I don't want to feel. Going to temple was something important to my father and so I went in his honor. The Kol Nidre service starting Yom Kippur was a service he and I used to attend together. It was tradition and I promised to continue that. So I went. But it was not without bringing up emotions that I haven't felt in years and left me sleepless and saddened, saying into the darkness of my bedroom at 1:30 in the morning "I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to see me as a woman. I'm sorry you didn't get to see me truly happy. I'm sorry you are not here."

I try not to talk about him too much and try not to be that girl that walks around with a chip on her shoulder; that girl who everyone is afraid to talk about their parents around in fear that it will make me feel bad that I am missing one of my own. I don't want to seem broken or damaged because I am not. I am just hurt and I am surviving and throughout all this I have come to realize the grieving process never ends. It gets easier to maintain and to process emotions, but you are always grieving the loss if it is a love so great and so important that living life without them is not the same.

I am lucky that my biological father wants to be in my life and look forward to years of getting to know one another. But I am sad at the same time that my father who could not see how much of an impact he made on my life and how his imprint will be with me forever. I can only live in his honor and be the best person I can and hope that his spirit is out there somewhere, watching me with a smile on his face.

Putting Things Into Perspective

It has been quite a while since I blogged. Since February to be exact. Reading through my past entries nothing seems quite as important or dramatic as it did then, especially given the series of events that have occurred in my life the past several months. The desire to write has escaped me. Creativity and motivation have been lacking. That is until today. Today my emotions that have been bottled up and stuff down deep within a part of my mind that I tried so desperately to close off have surfaced. I can't continue to push them away or use momentary conversation and time filler activities to stifle what I feel inside. I can't pretend that I do not feel bad or scared or anxious any longer.

Last year I decided it was time for Tom and I to separate. After being together 12 long years I no longer recognized who I had become. I am no longer the 19 year old dreamer lacking direction and goals. I am no longer the child living in the moment, spending money frivolously on copious amounts of alcohol and long evenings with friends at a dive bar shooting pool. I am no longer the girl living in the moment, even if the moment was not worth living in. I am 31 years old, responsible, driven, dedicated to higher education, inspired by personal growth and possibilities. I want a family, a home, security, an equal partnership, passion and romance, and unconditional love. Tom and I are not who we once were as young kids.

Life has not been easy for us. My dad passed away when I was 20. He was everything to me. My inspiration and my best friend. He was my hero. Tom stood by my side when most of my friend disappeared. When the weight of knowing my father was never coming back finally hit me, Tom was there to hold me up. He was my guiding light and the strength for both of us to keep life going. He was my glue.

Today, 11 years after my dad passed away I am a stronger woman. I have regained the strength I lost when he passed away and have goals I am working towards. I have a great amount of drive and work hard for what I want. I have become a motivated, professional with a solid head on my shoulders and a need to succeed. In all this work to better myself and grow I grew apart from the joint goals Tom and I shared. I grew apart from him and we no longer had any passion. We no longer had any romance. We did not share the same goals and had to come to terms with the fact that we were really just friends.

I tell you all this not to gain your sympathy or pity, but simply to purge the pit in my stomach and the aching on my heart. I am writing this selfishly for me, but perhaps it may help you too. I realized through all this that we never really know what is going on in someones life. They could be struggling with their own failed marriage or some other life-altering decision but not feel comfortable sharing it with the world. So here I am - putting it all out there.

I filed for divorce on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It was a complete coincidence, but if you are like me, you believe there is no such thing as a coincidence. A new, fresh start to a new year. I can't begin to tell you how scary this is. Today is Yom Kippur and I am really struggling. Today is especially difficult. I am sad. Very fucking sad. Today I am mourning a loss of not only my marriage, but also my father and as a result of his passing the loss of my family. No one is together anymore. There was no where to break the fast. I am sitting alone at home, writing a blog, breaking the fast by myself. The irony of this entire situation is my greatest fear has always been being completely alone. The thought of being alone has given me anxiety. I am uncomfortable in silence. Yet I chose to end my marriage and accept a life of solitude.

On Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I am asking for forgiveness to my friends who I have neglected as a result of being unhappy. I ask for forgiveness from my family who I have distanced myself from since my dad passed away. I ask for forgiveness from my mom who I know I have let down by getting divorced. And I ask Tom for forgiveness for giving up on our marriage by leaving.

I know there are better days ahead of me and a life of happiness. This is but a moment in time, and like the other blog entries I wrote, this too will seem inconsequential in the years to come as time passes by. It is all about perspective.

Criticism is a Bitch

I just wrote an entire blog that got deleted before I could save, so I'll try to get it all down this time around...

Criticism is a bitch! In all forms that it comes. I didn't realize until today how that is the one part of the creative aspect of my job that I dislike. This is not a complaint in anyway, please understand that I'm just making an observation. 

Making an ad from layout to completion is like a piece of art. It's hard to go back and forth, edit after edit, and still have some semblance of self identity in it. It's hard to accept critique of something creative. It's a bit personal. 

It's also funny that as my career progresses I am finding I enjoy the administrative aspects of my career much more. But don't get me wrong; there is plenty of room for criticism in this area as well. Here's an example...

Today I was told that I need to sound more welcoming or friendly when I answer my phone. Boy did that sting. Ego is bruised a bit! My cheeks are actually blushing with embarrassment as I write this out. But instead of defending my position for a less than cheery disposition, I sucked it up and blew off the pit of frustration in my stomach. I didn't explain that it is not always so easy to be little miss sunshine all the time and every different reason for what could go on in my day to cause this. There is no reason to stand and say all this because at the end of the day I CAN BE BETTER. We all can! And should! 

The only one at fault for me feeling like shit now is me. Because I wasn't giving it 100% all the time. I slipped up. Of course we aren't always going to be perfect - we aren't machines. I just feel like I've let myself down and feel like I should express things that effect me that others do in a constructive fashion more often then just letting them off the hook or turning a blind eye. 

I'm having a tough time at the moment and am in need of a "you're kicking ass", "you're of value", "you are not completely failing" type of pick me up. I feel like I'm taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back these days and I am trying so hard to get it right. 

I want more responsibility not in the quantity of tasks, but the importance of job duties. I want to excel and help the team grow as well. But I have to prove I can do it - you don't just get something because you want it; you gotta work it!

Criticism on a personal level is tough. No one wants to be told the aren't loving in the right way or they aren't bring romantic enough. It's hard to accept what a friend tells you as just observation when they say you need to be there more. It's difficult any way it's dealt and it takes true character, strength and diplomacy to be able to take it in and grow from it. 

On the up side I'm feeling very positive about the direction I'm going physically. My body is responding so well to all my hard work at the gym and eating right! I'm starting to feel sexy and really mean it when I say it! Last night driving home from a hard workout I rocked out stripper dance style to Ohh La La by Goldfrapp. I felt the beat deep in my veins and felt like a million bucks! 

I hope my mind will catch up to my physical confidence. I want to be the total package. I want to be the best. I want criticism to roll off my back and not embarrass me. 

Happy hump day my lovely readers! Turn on your favorite jam and dance it out like a stripper! Work it and feel sexy!

30 Year Old Neck

Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and noticed how much you've aged? Looking in the mirror to adjust my skirt before exiting the bathroom at work today I saw my age for the first time. I saw a 30 year old neck.

I found some old pictures on Facebook the other night and am like a completely different person now. Besides the obvious weight difference, my face and features are dramatically different now. I have experience and situations that have changed my physical appearance. Life sped up and all of a sudden I'm a woman! What the f?!? 

I looked at the curve of my neck following it to where it meets my chin and up to the rings of sleep deprecation around my eyes. Laugh lines and curiosity cracks define the map of my past journey telling a story. 

I wasn't upset that I look my age, just unaware of how it happened seemingly over night. I am proud of the years I've had, good, bad and frightening. I am proud of myself.

I am feeling pretty introspective these days and am enjoying building friendships that matter and following my heart. I am trying something completely new - taking scary situations and pressure head on. I'm making myself shed my comfort blanket and be a new, daring me. It's scary but I'm really trying. 

I read this story for class the other day about expectations that employees have when an employee starts in a higher, more demanding position and the expectations the employee has for to responsibility of the position and supervisor. The story went through a situation of miscommunication of expectations and it turned out both management and employee were on a different page with different beliefs. 

The biggest problem the employee faced was his own stubbornness to seek guidance and discuss expectations with his manager openly. I am at fault of this. I'm afraid to come across as anything less than perfect and realize that is the wrong way to do things. 

I am enjoying the learning process that is my life and all that comes with it. I see peers who somehow have it all and while naturally I feel a tinge of jealousy, I feel pride that I am working my ass of for every single thing that I have.

I challenge you with this... Go out and compliment yourself three times. Three different things that you take pride in about yourself. Focus on each for a minute and believe it. I mean really believe it. Then put a smile on your face and conquer the world. Hit the pavement with your 30 year old neck! 

What's It Going To Take?

I think I'm more excited that today is Saturday than yesterday's Valentines Day holiday. I am so happy to have a few days off even if it's full of homework and chores. At least it's my time and it's stress free.

Last week was chalked full of negative every and bad vibes and it really got to me. My only recourse  was to shut up and quietly plug away to get through my days. I hate weeks like that because I generally love being at work and enjoy what I do. But weeks full of bad attitudes and people rushing around with a sense of secretive urgency really start to wear you down. 

I got up this morning slowly after finally sleeping in and thought about how it's almost been 1 year since I turned 30 and since I made the choice to be completely sober. It's amazing how quickly time has passed and just how much has gone on during that time. Being back in school is bringing up reminiscent memories of the first try at college and the fun times with my crazy friends in my early 20's. I miss the parties and being completely uninhibited, the laughter and that larger than life feeling. 

I've spent the year struggling to find my place. It's been a very difficult year with a lot of change. I am finally feeling comfortable in my own skin like I am a new me that I am okay with. I don't worry about being out at a bar as much and am okay saying no to a drink without feeling fearful. Sure I miss it and have a feeling I always will, but I'm okay with that as long as I get support where I need it. 

As my birthday approaches in a few months I can't help but feel restless and refuse to let any more unproductive time pass me by. I'm not wasting a second. I have a lot of emotion in my little body and I'm going to start showing it, in a good way. 

How many of you feel like you want to change something about yourself but don't have a clue where to start? Or you just don't try because it seems like too much of an uphill battle? 

The best place to start is anywhere. If your goal is losing weight, just start making better choices with food and exercise. It is so easy to accept the status quo and just exist, but I ask you this... Is just existing really living? I sure don't think so.

Life isn't a cake walk for me right now. Our business is struggling a bit, my mom is still trying to recover from a major injury, my grandma is dying, two of Toms uncles have incurable cancer, marriage isn't always easy, etc. But that is life; there will always be things to work on or have to fight through. I am not letting it stop me!

Are you?