I Miss Him Like Crazy

I created this blog initially as a way to account for the many curve balls thrown my way in my life and show people how I handled them. Over time it has grown to be a collection of my thoughts, ideals, explanation of my values, and experiences and situations I'm working through. It is a projection of my struggles and challenges I face along the crazy journey.

Lately life has thrown me so many of those crazy curve balls. Days I think will be smooth sailing are stressful and completely unenjoyably. Times when I am uninspired, unmotivated, and feeling very frustrated miraculously work out and end up great days. I have given up trying to predict the moods of others and have made a conscious effort to focus on the things within myself that I can change.

Yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my father passing away. I really didn't think I'd feel anything; its been so long and I've spent so much time, especially within the last five or so years, crying and really grieving and coping. I was sure I got it all out and was more adjusted than this. But it has hit me hard. I miss the guy so much. A big reason why I don't want to have kids is because I don't want to live in a world where I have kids and they do not have their grandpa Danny in their lives. He would have been a great grandpa and I don't see how it would be possible to have kids and not see him every time I looked into their eyes or made them smile.

I miss the guy terribly. I wish I could hear his laugh again and I long for time with him, sitting around the living room, playing blackjack on the floor.

I have a friend at work who lost her mom five months ago. She is really struggling, having a hard time working with families going through the process of loss, while she hasn't come to terms with her own issues. I have tried to be there the best that I can, as a shoulder to cry on and a friend and an advice giver when asked. I feel like I am coming up short because I still have my weaknesses and moments where I curl up into a ball, hide my face in my knees, and cry my eyes out with a sore, broken heart thinking of the fact that he will never be back in my life.

I spent years pretending that my father was off at war; he was off battling something grand and was away doing a civic duty, taking care of us by being away. But that delusion couldn't continue on and I had to eventually come to terms with the fact that he is...DEAD. Gone... and that is when I started forgetting.

If I close my eyes I can hardly see his face. I can't hear his voice or remember his laugh. I know that as soon as he is a completely foggy and distant memory, he will really be lost forever in every sense possible. I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to really be alone.

I miss the guy immensely! Fuck, I miss you Dad. Why did you have to get sick? Why did this become the story of my life? Why was my future mapped out to include a constant struggle? I know that there are probably no answers beyond the coined phrase "it is what it is," but what if there is a deeper meaning? What if I am supposed to have this story because I am meant to teach someone else?

I know he is not coming back and I know life will be different from me than most I know. I realize that I had to grow up VERY fast and that I have to work twice as hard, supporting myself, building my empire from scratch without any assistance. I value every second of every day that I am breathing and above ground, that I am able to remember him in some small way, that I am able to live up to the high standards he set. I am grateful for being physically and mentally able and I work hard daily to show the world that Danny did not die in vain - that he has a legacy and that I am doing him proud.

Dan the man, Danny Felsen, D-Felly, Pops, Daddy....I miss you constantly and always will. You always have the biggest place in my heart and will always be the guiding light leading me towards greatness. You will always be the best teacher, mentor, friend and guardian anyone could ever have, and I feel lucky to have had the time I did with you, despite how short it was. I love you more today and ever and I hope your soul is out there, floating amongst the starchy white clouds, shining down on this world, at total peace.

Relationships Are Hard

The question of care came up in a rather heated conversation with my husband tonight on my way to the gym. We've been together a decade (literally) and you would think that after all that time we would know exactly how to care for one another when we are sick or feeling low. But we don't...

He is suffering from sinus allergies or some mild head cold and as a result is incredibly irritable. I should honestly know better than to approach him with opinions or advice. It's just not received well when he's in this condition. I should know this by now, right?! But I did the exact opposite and he erupted in anger. Guess I was asking for it...?

In the thick of the angry exchange we touched upon the topic of care. I do not know how to care for him how he wants. After ten years I apparently care for him how I want to be cared for, not how HE wants. I never stopped to think I was doing it wrong; bringing him a blanket when he wants a hot meal. I have been being emotionally there for him when he wanted to get a neck massage and then to be left alone. 

It begs the question of why didn't he speak up and correct it? Why not just say what you need? It's not being polite in my opinion if you're just going to throw it back in my face in a later argument. 

To get a bit personal here, when I get my period I want to be approached gently, fed and reassured. I want love and sympathy. Until recently this was not how I was cared for and so I spoke up. He has tried really hard to care for me in a way that makes me happy that is completely opposite from his natural inclination. I need to do the same.

I think that the people we were ten years are drastically different from who we both are today and so our ways of caring need to be adjusted accordingly. I feel sadness for the argument and while I don't think it's fair to verbally lash out at someone because of feeling ill or exhausted, I should have done everything differently. 

I can't believe I'm still learning how up coexist after so many years. I can't believe that we have changed so much. This year I will work harder on recognizing other peoples needs and making sure that not only am I happy, but so are they. 

Bringing Home The Bacon?

Thanksgiving is now over with and I suddenly realized we are heading to Philly in less than 20 days! I don't feel prepared at home, with finances, at work... I feel completely scattered and unorganized!

I am looking forward to getting away for the holiday. I love the city of Philly and an looking forward to being able to bundle up. I can't exactly get ready for the trip mentally until I feel financially secure.

This year has been a major struggle in the financial department in the Bolan household. The first year we started our business was golden. We made an incredible amount of profit and our projections for the next year were looking very lucrative. Unfortunately we suffered some serious setbacks - staffing trouble, job setbacks, and unexpected expenditures because of injuries and insurance increases. Oh and taxes.., 

All in all we are significantly down this year and have suffered great turmoil over cash flow, payroll and even our own personal financial troubles. It's been one of those hunker down and ride it out sort of years and I'm losing patience and faith quickly. I have constant anxiety and am burnt out on the struggle. 

The great success of the first year of our business was a fluke; it was a glitch and we are now in the thick of the challenge everyone warned us about. I just don't know if I can take 5 years of this. I don't know if I can put our life on hold for that long. We have no kids and if we wanted them we wouldn't be able to have them for at least five more years... I would be too old. We won't own a home, take nice vacations, have a nicer vehicle, none of that at least the five years it takes to be running the business out of the red.

The American dream is scary as hell. It's a lofty notion but hard to live out. The day in and day out is so stressful and trying on our relationship. I just keep asking myself, is this really worth it? I have been carying the family financial for two years now and I feel like we are farther back from where we started. I am thirty years old and want to enjoy our life. I want some of the nicer things and most importantly want a stress free life. 

Today wa a good day, it wasn't bad and it wasn't great; just a day like any other. It was a day I could plug in mentally to a project and just focus. I could mentally drift and ponder my future and reevaluate my game plan and our approach to getting ahead. I need to help Tom and find financial assistance. I need to help him find a partner or someone who wants to invest money and time to show him how to run a business.

I'm exhausted and hope I can sleep through the entire night and just make it past this mini vacation so I can get home and back into bringing home the bacon. 

Crazy Love

I am so happy today.

A - it is Thanksgiving and I have a ton of things to be thankful for.

B - I slept in until 7 am! That probably doesn't seen like sleeping in to you, but for someone who wakes up at 5 am daily sleeping in until 7 am is borderline miraculous.

C - I have a day off and get to spend it cooking with my mom. Over the past several years my mom and I have built up a stronger, closer bond and I'm truly looking forward to being with her all day.

D - I have nothing but happy thoughts in my mind vas warm feelings in my heart. 

I can't help but laugh now at the petty squabbles that got me down this week. Things aren't as big of a deal now that I'm past it and more rested and now that I have decided to intentional not focus on it and not give it any care. 

I keep having this reoccurring dream where I am walking through an old town with resemblance to something out of the 1950's. It's winter, snowing outside, streets are tree lined and windows of stores are lit up for the holidays. There is no one else walking on the street, the town is seemingly motionless except for the sound of the clicking of my boot heels on the concrete. 

The past few times I've had this dream I've been walking down the same street with the same stores to my right; the old family owned hardware store, the ice cream shop, the vintage movie theater. The air always smells crisp with a hint of vanilla. There is never anyone around in any of my dreams, and I am always walking in the same direction down this road that never seems to end. The road always keeps going straight into the distance and the further I walk the darker it seems to get outside. 

This time as I kept walking I could see a house way off into the distance with a light in the window. As I walked on trying to get closer to the light and the cozy house the air got warmer and smelled of a fresh fireplace. The light got bolder and brighter, but I never did reach the house. I woke up.

I don't know if this time the dream means I'm more settled or happier than before. Maybe it means I am working towards a goal now or I feel like love and happiness is now within reach. Maybe it means nothing.

Either way, it left me a bit happier and in better spirits today. I feel like my life is back on course and this year coming up is going to be a really good one. Whatever comes my way I know I can handle it. 

I'm thankful today for a good life full of a kinda of crazy love, triumphs and successes.

Holy Shit! I'm NOT Fat!

Here I am on the eve of Thanksgiving running on the elliptical. I am so thankful to be healthy enough to bust my ass at the gym. I speak negatively about my weight a lot, calling myself fat or thick, but today I actually stopped to really look at myself in the full length mirror in the gym locker room. 

I stood there in a sports bra and knee length running tights, shoes and ankle socks. I studied the curve of my hips and the roundness of my butt. I took note of my waistline, the increased flatness of my stomach, the beginning formation of upper abdominals. I noticed my boobs actually look bigger as I get skinnier because they just won't get any smaller but everything else around them is shrinking. And you know what? I'm ok with it! I stood there looking at myself head on, turned to the side, back to head on. I wasn't appalled. I was content. I see progress and came to a healthy realization... Holy shit! I'm NOT fat!! I am not bad.

Today I run with a bit more bounce in my step because I know all this hard work is paying off. As I run I focus on the curve of my waist and feel accomplished as th sweat trails down the small of my back. I feel every muscle in my butt activate, pushing myself harder and closer to the skinny, sexy me. Or I should  say skinnier and sexier. 

I had a good day today, making up for the past few not so enjoyable ones this week. I needed a day like today to bring me out of the fog; out of feeling pushed out, stepped on, treated badly. My husband put it best last night - there is always going to be someone playing the game. They may play dirty, they may play it better than you, they may win. It isn't the rest of your life and it's only a sign of their insecurities and feelings of threat because of you. So really, you win in the end. 

To fill you all in quickly, what I'm referring to is a coworker invited me to a birthday celebration for my boss. They invited me on a Friday and on Monday uninvited me then had the nerve to ask me if I could coordinate the reservations. If I'm not invited I'm not invited - not the issue. The issue is the nerve of retracting an invite and then asking me to plan it. Screw you! While I shouldn't, I do take it personally because of the snide comments the week before like "I see you didn't do anything to your hair today" or "you feeling ok? You are loosing an awful lot of weight!" Or my personal favorite conversational exchange... 

Coworker: what are you doing for lunch?

Me: boss and I are going to lunch.

Coworker: again? You two sure go to lunch a lot.

Me: excuse me? 

Coworker: seems like you go a lot.

I think she is professionally trained in passive aggressive conversation. I know it comes from deep seeded insecurities but man does it sting. All joking aside, it really hurts my feelings and devalues me professionally and personally. It makes me sad. 

But I'm past it. I know my value and as I run right now with sweat dripping down my chest I wash away all the bad feelings and negativity. I breathe in happy thoughts of those who love me, respect me, know my potential. I breathe out the anger and disappointment. The burning of my muscles means I'm running towards a brighter, happier, more fulfilling future without the negativity to bog me down. 

I'm thankful for great days like today and the possibilities for even better days to come. 

Happy Happy Happy

Last night was a great night. My friends came out to feast on a delicious meal and celebrate the fact that my 30 year old ass is going back to college. 

I spent my twenties drinking heavily with the Tom and his guy friends at a handful of run down sports bars and Irish pubs. I was one of the dudes and a sloppy drunk. While those days were a blast and I carry fond memories with me to this day, I lost out on having girl friends and going out to nicer places for fancier cocktails, delicious meals and stimulating conversation. I spent so much time with the guys plastered and spouting off dick and fart jokes that I lacked a female bond and womanly camaraderie and am only building it now. 

I've always wanted female friends who were intellectual yet fun, witty and creative, sarcastic and emotional. I finally found my people and I truly admire each and every one of then for their uniqueness and spirit. I have friends in my life I can learn a lot from and who serve as a supportive, positive role in my life. 

I'll let you in on a little secret of mine, which may not be they surprising to you... I have a hard time socializing on occasion and try hard to not let the struggle show. I feel emotionally challenged when it comes to connecting to people and often times I stay in my house as a way of avoiding the effort it takes to block out my negative internal voice telling me all the reasons why going out is a terrible plan. These friends I have made take that voice away.

I feel so comfortable being completely sober and 100% myself when I'm out with them. I know they will never judge me maliciously. And I know most importantly that they really care about me. 

Where have you been all my life guys?!? I woke up today thinking I am a lucky girl. Even if I have a shitty week or a streak where I'm down on my luck, I know it will all be okay as long as I have my friends in my life.

I can't wait to go into this week with a refreshed, positive vibe. It's thanksgiving week and I've got a shitload of fortune to be thankful for. I'm looking past the pettiness of a coworker who makes a point to passive aggressively tell me in a not so subtle way that I am less than. I'm looking past petty squabbles and immature drama. I'm ignoring the constant complaining. I'm looking forward to my boss's return and the return of some normalcy. I'm looking forward to the future of my academic career and making more memories with my friends. 

Here's to a leisurely Saturday with beautiful weather and nothing but possibility and promise in the future. 

It's All Just A Bad Dream

Alas this week is finally over. Man, it’s been long and slow going. I wrote this on my lunch break today in response to my night of terrible dreams and the previous day’s emotional meltdown:

I barely slept last night due to a slew of terrible dreams. I won’t call them nightmares because I did not encounter Freddy Krueger or anyone chasing me down with a chainsaw. There was no massacre. My first dream consisted of me getting fired when returning to work from a long weekend. I showed up to work, opened my office door, and was greeted by my replacement sitting in my chair doing my work. No notice, no consolation, just replaced. No one would make eye contact with me as I did the walk of shame down the hallway to the parking lot to leave. I woke up in a cold sweat. It was 12:40 am.

The second dream was of me approaching apartments in an unfamiliar area with a resemblance to Jamaica Plains, NY. I was a pseudo census taker, door knocking and mouthing off some random jargon. One door I approached had a giant pit bull at the top of the stairs just inside the doorway staring me down thinking I looked like a healthy piece of friend chicken. I slowly started backing away when the dog rushed me, lunged at my leg, took a giant bite and ripped off my calf muscle. I laid on the concrete screaming for help, bleeding to death. No one came.

The third and final dream of the night was of me wandering. Out of all of them this may be the most disheartening. I do not know where I was walking; I didn’t recognize any of the buildings around me. It was a lonely street, windy and crisp outside. I was all alone and no one else was on the street. I had a feeling of heartbreak and a pit in my stomach. I did not know why and never did find out the answer to that question. I just wandered aimlessly with the cold air whipping leaves into my face as they fell rfom the trees that lined the street. There seemed to be no end to the street in sight; it just kept going and going. And so I walked… I walked until my alarm woke me up and I carried with me that feeling of hopeless heartache all day. I am not sure what it comes from and really wish it would go away.

The only saving grace is that tonight my super awesome friends are taking me out to dinner to celebrate the fact that my old ass is going back to college. They planned a dinner to celebrate. Very sweet. For that I am truly happy and know I have a good group of friends in my corner. Makes the heartache subside a bit.

Stay Classy.

And after all, you're my wonderwall

I am feeling really sad tonight. I tried to write this whole other positive blog and deleted it. I am not in that headspace. I'm feeling low; I feel like I am forgotten and  completely unimportant. I feel useless. 

I honestly could start to cry if I keep focusing on the feelings inside my heart right now. And to make it worse as I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth I heard a car drive by blasting "Wonderwall" by Oasis on their radio. That song gets me every time. 

"And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would like to say to you

But I don't know how

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall"

It was as if that moment the car drove by with that very song playing was supposed to happen. It was a predetermined scheduled event. 

I feel so stupid for feeling as over emotional as I do and for feeling excluded from something as stupid as celebrating someone's birthday with a group of coworkers all because I don't have the same title in my job description as the rest of them. I shouldn't care; it's just fucking lunch. I guess it's the principle of it. I have a hard time sitting back and feeling like I'm looked at as some secretarial facilitator that is really talented at managing an outlook calendar and making copies. I have a chip on my shoulder when I am called a "secretary" by someone who spends their entire day balancing the demanding schedule of newspaper reading and paper shredding. I feel like shit when the only conversation people strike up with me is complaints and issues they want me to present to the head honcho. 

I know tomorrow is another day and I'll most likely feel better and move on. I also know that I am taking things way too seriously and that I am just feeling off balance this past week or so. I know it will be back to normal soon. And honestly if the worst I have to complain about is the occasional degrading or passive aggressive comment or being left out of celebrations, then I'm in good shape. 

I am going to sleep to hopefully have a warming and adventurous dream. And hopefully I will wake up with a lighter heart and a fresh outlook. 

Say You Love Me

How do you make people feel special? What do you do to show someone they are important to you? I really believe it is something that is customized to each individual. Some people like getting flowers. Some people feel appreciated with a surprise card with a quick note to say you're thinking of them. Others like a big to-do made to celebrate an accomplishment or a grand gesture to show they are loved. 

A select few just want to hear the words "you are special to me" and "I'm thinking of you". Even a "you mean so much to me". Just say it and leave our the romantic gestures and grand production. Of course I'm not saying I do not want the romantic surprises, rose petals and love notes; that's not it at all. What girl in her right mind would protest and reject that mushy goodness? I'm just saying it doesn't need to be "perfect" or "magical". Life isn't a movie and most of the time things are less than perfect, so take a risk and just say it. Show it however you can that you know will be understood and well received.

I think about mortality and aging and life fulfillment much more frequently these days; maybe because of where I work or maybe because I'm very aware of my own aging. What ever the reason may be, I have been doing a lot of thinking and have determined that it's far more detrimental to keep raw, real emotions locked inside a box in your heart. With life as short as it is it is foolish not to come out with it and say how you feel. Look your lover in the eyes, send then a text, write a card, do whatever it takes to say you love them. Go the extra mike for a friend to say you appreciate them. 

I appreciate you. 

Damn You Emotions

I hate the quiet. I am uninspired and uncomfortable when things are still. I feel drained today and am emotionally reacting to things I know shouldn't make me upset. I can't help it; I feel unbalanced. Incomplete. 

Today was a very long day. No amount of iced coffee could lift my fog. I was slow out the gate and didn't finish any stronger. Yet somehow I've made it to the gym. 

I both love and hate feeling and emotions all at the same time. I love riding the emotional high, you know, like when you're completely in sync with someone and things are fun and connectivity works. I love the warmth and assurance that comes along with good feelings. I hate the feelings of anxiety, lacking or I involvement. When worse is jealousy. Fuck, I really hate that! And worse I hate that I feel it from time to time. 

I fear that I will be forgotten and worse, hurt. I fear that I will be considered unimportant. 

I'm sure it's mostly just female hormones coming to a boil and I really try not to let that get out of control or be some handicap that is some license to act like a complete psycho, ungrateful she-demon. That just isn't right. Sure I get cramps from hell and at times I feel so bloated I don't want to leave the house; but that is not an excuse to treat people like shit. I just don't want my emotions to get the best of me and don't want my hormones to lead me into this cycle of negativity.

I just close my eyes and keep on running through it. I let the swear bead up on my forehead and run dove my temples, releasing any tension and fear I keep inside. I will find my balance and hope I'm not forgotten. 

Take It Head On

I'm changing my life one step at a time. Everything I am not totally satisfied with will be changed. I'm over sitting back and complaining. I'm not powerless. 

I started these cardio barre workout classes and am loving the difficulty and the challenge. I want it to be hard and make me sweat. (That's what she said) I want to feel the pain that it takes to change my body and look good. I want to remember how hard I worked so I keep the weight off.

Today I actually made it to cardio barre in the morning and the gym right now. I'm fucking doing it! Not only do I want to lose some excess poundage that I'm caring on my mid section, but I want to find my confidence again. I am starting to recognize I am actually a pretty girl, I just have to refine what I've got. I have to fight a little bit of aging and tighten up my skin and shed a few lbs! Who doesn't though? 

Getting older has actually bothered me more than I expected. I am really seeing the difference between my twenties and my thirties and am taking a stand against the clock. I'm going to start making a difference now while I can.

Getting in to college a second time has really shown me that I can do anything I desire. If I want it I will find a way to get it. So watch out! My education is important to me and something I feel will be the other major component to my complete confidence. Losing weight is the otter. Once I have those down I will be unstoppable. Maybe that's a bit dramatic... More like completely happy.

Someone told me the other day that true intelligence is being able to adapt and that they thought of me and that I fit that mindset. I adapt with whatever I am given and am intelligent. It meant so much to me, to be thought of unprompted and that I am thought of in high regard. That I am seen as a smart individual. I work so hard on myself and improving my shortcomings and it fills my heart with such happiness to know I'm recognized and regarded with such value. 

Just the fact that I'm here running on the elliptical after an hour long high intensity cardio workout says I won't give up; I've had enough with the way things are and I want to make a change. I feel like there is a sexy, confident woman trapped cheesy a layer of fat and insecurity. I want to let her out so badly. I want to stand in front of a group of people without my arms crossed uncomfortably, with my head held high knowing I look good and am qualified to be there. 

I am lucky to have encouraging and inspirational people around me. I am very happy and can't wait to take this and every challenge in my path head on. 

Lucky Lady

I am taking part in this facebook status challenge for the month of November where I post a status every day about what I am thankful for. It's called the month of thanks in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday. 

Beyond the typical health, family, friends type of deal it is taking more thought. I didn't realize I would have to dig deep to really establish what I am thankful for. 

So... Here is something I am thankful for that isn't your typical situation. I'm thankful I wasn't an abortion. I know this sounds crazy and totally harsh, but it's true. I was born to someone who was still a child herself. She was 18 and could have easily decided to terminate her pregnancy, but instead decided to give me up to a family who wanted a baby but couldn't have one on their own. 

No matter what chaos or conflict I has to face growing up with my mom, I was still alive and had opportunity. I am here today because of one woman's selfless act of loving kindness. I am so thankful for that!

I am also thankful that after 30 years I have been able to find my biological family and have been welcomed with open arms. I have had a great life and love my family dearly. There is something that can be said about genetics that just feels natural when I'm around them. I  so grateful for having two beautiful half sisters who look up to me as much as I cherish them. I am blessed to have such a funny and quirky extended family now.

This thanksgiving I am thankful for opportunity. I am thankful for the kindness of others and for the life I have feel privileged to have. I am one lucky lady.

I Walk Alone

Tomorrow I am walking in the Walk To End Alzheimer's charity walk. I am walking alone. I am supposed to meet a family friend there and hopefully I can find her, but I am a bit disappointed no one wanted to join me. I am a bit disappointed in myself for not trying harder to get people to join and for not expressing how much it would mean to me. 

This is a prime example of how I expected others to read my mind and just instinctively know that I really would like them to join me. I'm the only one to blame here. I do have very kind friends who have generously donated to my walk allowing me to raise $240 for the Alzheimer's Assocuation. This makes me very happy. 

In case you haven't noticed by now, I am not a huge fan of doing things alone. There is a volleyball league I've wanted to join for over a year now but I just can't get there on my own. My boss went on a solo mini vacation up the coast last year and I really admired that so I set out on my own trip, forcing myself to go the distance all by myself to think about things in my life and to know I am able to be on my own if I have to. 

It was much more difficult than I thought and I really admire him for it. I am a girl who thinks it's unusual to go to a movie alone and here I am having to eat dinner by myself in Morro Bay at an unfamiliar restaurant in a foreign town. It was scary as hell but also very liberating and empowering. I did that!

So as disappointing as it is to have to walk alone, I know I can do it and be just fine. For some reason yesterday as I drove to the gym from work at the end of the day tears ran down my cheeks while listening to Ellie Goulding's song Lights. I'm not sure why it happened; maybe I was exhausted; perhaps emotionally tender. I am not sure. I know I was closing out a rather emotional and apparently tense week, but I think it was deeper than that. I feel like I'm carting around a weight on my shoulders and a heavy heart and I don't know why. Maybe I do. Maybe I think I do but I don't.

You know when you can sense something and you know someone else can sense it to but it just goes unspoken? I feel it but don't know truly what it is to put it into words. 

I have probably lost you by now so I will shift gears to something else...kindness. In the spirit of my walk tomorrow I want to bring up the concept of kindness. We could all stand to be a bit kinder to others. Especially those we really don't care for. Whether it's extending well wishes to someone you consider annoying or being supportive to a friend even if you think they are making a mistake, it is the right thing to do. Pay someone a compliment a little bit more or smile at a stranger. Do something out of the ordinary that makes someone happy even if you think it's dumb. Open up to a coworker instead of taking out your frustration on then. Take your mom out to lunch. Do anything!

I will walk alone for those who can't and will learn from this to be honest with people - if I want something I need to speak up!

Longing For The Fun

I want to blog about being frustrated. I want to blog about a shitty, tiring week. I want to write about shameless self promotion with zero follow through and complete lack of teamwork. I want to rant about managing stress and energy we are all responsible for throwing back at the world. I want to write about all the terrible feelings I have bottled up inside of my frustrated little body but I just can't. I can't let it out.

I have a lot to be happy about and should focus on that; I know it. It's hard sometimes when a fog of stress and chaos passes overhead; it consumes me and sucks me in to negative town. I don't want to fucking feel like this. 

I seriously feel like throwing myself on the floor, banging my hands on the ground, and screaming "it isn't supposed to be this chaotic!" "It's supposed to be fun!" Even though I know it's not. Fun is a lucky byproduct and a rarity. It isn't a given.

Ugh. Big fat ugh. I almost wish things were never easy or fun for me because then I wouldn't know anything else. I wouldn't know how good it could be to only compare how frustrating it is right now. I hope you realize I am aware that it is a momentary wrinkle in time and that cyclically this too shall pass like it does every other time. Every time shit hits the fan or times are tough things feel like this and I'm sure I rant then about how much I long for the fun. 

Beyond the situation chaos I have been fighting the battle of low self esteem, rather poorly might I add. I try to build myself up I just don't believe it right now. I want to feel wanted and sexy and intelligent. I want to feel qualified and beautiful both inside and out. I want to know I'm made of the good stuff and am important to someone. I want what everyone else wants - to be loved unconditionally. Who doesn't want this? 

On many levels. I don't want to have to be anyone but who I am to be happy and make others happy around me. I want to be free of these feelings of bad body image and substandard intelligence. I want to believe my inner voice telling me I've got it all; a total package.

I make these drawings for friends and include a message about who they are to me and how their talents and wonderful qualities are reflected in my art. I write to them what I see in them as a wonderful human being and really could stand to write one to myself and actually believe it.

I am not as bad as I thought...

Who wears false eyelashes and a push up bra to work out? Who puts makeup on before working up a sweat? I don't understand why some women feel like they have to have their boobs overflowing out of their shirts, bouncing all over the freaking place to feel attractive? My god, I thought this one girl was going to knock herself out with those giant fun bags flapping around her face so aggressively... 

And if you are wondering how I know that this is an intentional outfit choice, well that is easy... The constant looking around to see who is noticing is pretty much a dead give away... 

I'm sure plenty of guys are thankful for this woman and her need to wear revealing workout gear and maybe I'm a prude. I have better boobs than her by far but I am not at the gym to get looks or flaunt them. I actually never unleash them... I am a firm believer in keeping some things a mystery. 

I did realize the other day that I am not as fat or as unattractive as I thought. I was changing in a Marshall's dressing room and for the first time in a long time I saw myself as pretty. I was standing there in work slacks and a bra and noticed that I have hips, an ass, and am not half bad. I have confidence in myself more than I give myself credit for. I have been putting in the work and have been losing weight. I'm making progress and shouldn't be so hard on myself. 

My new motto is "I am not as bad as I thought, but am not as good as I know I can be." This is for my weight and general looks, but also for my attitude; my work; my relationships; my spirit. We can and should always strive to be out very best. If we have been given a second chance at life, we should try even harder. If we are presented with outstanding opportunities, we should seize the moments and try harder. We should always be the very best we can be and expect only what is realistic from everyone else. 

In need of a little bit of positivity and getting back to my affirmations:

I love to laugh: want to know the way in? Make me laugh. My friendships, relationships, everything is built upon and nurtured with humor. Sure I can be serious, but the way into my heart is humor. 

I am flexible: not talking about the bendy stretchy flexible... I am willing to change plans or try something new. I wasn't always... This is a relatively new concept for me that I am trying hard to build on and foster. 

I have an animated face: I have been told I have a rubber face. I can make incredibly strange faces and take some wickedly funny pictures. I also do voices. I am often embarrassed easily so I figure I might as well make a funny face and embarrass myself before anyone else can! 

Life is passing by quite rapidly so it is important to act swiftly, have fun and be the very best. 

The Story of a Bad Biological Father

The saga continues... My bio mom reached out to the cowardly sister of my bio father in an email after my two previous attempts were unanswered... This is what was sent back:

Cheryl - Erin did message me and you are correct, I was unaware that you had a child.  It did come as a shock and I realized that after moving away in 1982 to college in San Diego and then on to Washington D.C. that I was completely removed from anything that was going on in my brothers’ personal life during those years.  How nice that you have been able to reconnect with the child you gave up.  After a lot of thought about this unexpected news I have to be totally honest that whatever took place between you and my brother is between the two of you.  Whatever took place in his personal life after the two of you parted ways really does not involve you.  I am very close with my brother, see him often and he is doing really well.  There are two sides to every story and regardless of how he handled it with you 30 years ago or a few years ago; at this point in time the situation does not involve me.  Sorry but at this time I can not help or contact Erin.  

Take care, 

Susan  

I understand her defensiveness considering the news that her brother conceived a child and that I am around is sudden and unexpected. I get her apprehension to get involved and even slight skepticism considering she's never known I even existed. 

But this letter is lacking something that I couldn't put my finger on until now...it lack emotion. To me it comes across as void of compassion or heart. It is almost a business-like reply; cut and dry and robotic. It is sad to me that she couldn't even help me reconnect with him to get the answers I deserve.

It is mattering more and more to me to get the bastard to look me in the eyes and apologize for what he did to my bio mom. I am not looking for money or a father figure, I have that. I am looking for him to face the truth and acknowledge that he was irresponsible and that he should tell his family about me and who I am today. It is the least he could do for me. 

I never thought this would matter to me or would be my story. I never thought I would find out my biological father was a loser. It wasn't supposed to be my story. He was supposed to have wanted me as much as my bio mom, just wasn't able to raise a baby. He should have become a loving and successful man; someone to look up to and be proud of. Not a distant, unaccomplished coward with nothing but hollow promises of a meager figure. He shouldn't be such a bad person. 

I know I'm basically stomping my foot on the ground having a pity party for myself. Truth is I've gone 30 years without needing him for anything and I can go the rest of my life pretending he is dead just as easily. I am not who I am as a result of him. He was just a seed that gave me life and a chance to grow to be better than he could ever be. 

I feel the worst for my bio mom. She was an impressionable 17 year old who thought she was in love. She made a mistake and got pregnant. It happens. I can't fault her for it. She didn't deserve to go through the decision of giving me up for adoption by herself. She didn't deserve a partner in crime void of connection and full of shame. She never wanted that to be her story either. 

We never know what our story is going to be. We know how it starts but uncover the layers and blaze through the hurdles as we go on. Some people have abusive parents. Some don't have parents at all. Some kids have a stereotypical perfect home. You never know who you will become or what you'll have to face along the way. I never pictured my story would follow this script, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I am who I am and this story is a part of my life. 

On Being There

Sometimes the best help you can give someone is just being there. Sometimes it's just sitting still and being a positive presence that does the trick. Other times being a second opinion is the best thing. 

We all need help in different ways, and actually it depends on the situatuon. Occasionally I need someone to play the devils advocate; most of the time I need someone to listen while I talk something out. I really need someone to hold me accountable when I start slipping up. 

Today was a good day despite the tension and bizarre energy floating around. I realized today that it's not actually valuable to put your focus on making sure things go right at all times. There will ALWAYS be something that gets messed up or some setback. That is inevitable. The important things is focusing on how you handle the bumps in the road. Find a buddy and take a breather when you feel like you're drowning. Close your eyes and picture life beyond the chaos. Write a snappy email and delete it. 

I absolutely love what I do because of who I work with. I love the variance in projects and the constant stability that exists at the same time. But even loving my job as much as I do there will always be a day every now and then where nothing works out or work seems to pile up faster than I can produce. 

I know today that me just being there helped make someone's day better. I know I have an ally and a mentor. I know that I am needed as much as I need the camaraderie. 

I looked for my place for so long and never found a home. I am certain I have found that home. I am comfortable; happy; relieved; bonded. I am fucking appreciative! 

Everything in my life for the most part seems to be on the up and up and going so well right now... I'm sure I have disrupted the cosmic gods and have jinxed myself, but it has to be said. Hallelujah!! Happy happy happy! 

If my dad is out there guiding me I know he has a hand in all this. I feel him with his hand in my shoulders, pushing me into the right choices and deterring me from bad decisions. I know he has driven me to the right people and situations and has given me the strength to be brave. 

I have this walk for Alzheimer's coming up next weekend and I'm doing it alone. I was supposed to be doing it with my work but it fell through. But I'm not giving up and backing down from it. I committed to doing this for those who can't. One of my fears of aging is not being able to remember my father and his guidance; my loves and triumphs, my successes and failures, my past that makes me who I am. I want to always remember my work and will walk to honor that. 

Happiness is relative and something that should be treasured. I go into this weekend with an ear to ear smile, feeling full and knowing I have done well. 

There Can Be Only One

I am two different people in one body. In a complete contradiction. I am not sure how I ended up with two very distinct yet completely opposite personality traits, both equal parts that make up who I am. 

My alpha dog personality is a class clown, total ham, larger than life, attention hog who likes to make people laugh and craves the limelight. I love being goofy and take great pleasure in doing something stupid or outrageous to get a reaction. I love being funny if it makes others laugh and captures their attention. I constantly end up dominating a conversation when in a group setting, which is something I have to constantly be aware of to keep in check. 

I truly enjoy being the funniest, wittiest, craziest person in the room with the most charisma. I am a glutton for praise and really want to please and gain the accolades as a result. 

I'll fight a compliment instead of taking it graciously, but don't be confused by this - I love compliments. I need them. I love hearing I'm great at something, that I'm helpful, pretty, funny, a good person, etc. I love the praise I just can't help it. I also have a bit of an ego and have a hard time messing up. When I am corrected on something I take it hard; really fucking hard. Mistakes are not an option in my book. I strive for perfection and ride myself to always do better. 

My reserved, shy counterpart is afraid of speaking up, especially around louder, stronger, more educated or qualified individuals. I fear the unknown more than my own death and hate being alone. I am insecure, have horrible stage fright, am plagued by constant anxiety, and need reassurance with everything. 

I am indecisive with almost everything, even down to what to have for dinner. I am quiet and hold back my ideas even if they are really good. I want to take part in activities and groups but don't because I don't want to do it alone. I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, qualified or deserving. I hide a good portion of my personality as a defense mechanism. I am a rule follower and conservative because it's safe.

How is it that I am made up of two opposite people? How did I become passive and aggressive at the same time? I often think I should just pick the side of me I like the best and be that and only that. Otherwise it's too confusing and too much work!

I went to a Katy Perry concert last night. Man is she pretty and totally talented. In between songs she talked to the crowd, boosting energy getting everyone pumped up. She had so much authority and confidence in her voice, which I truly admired. She was so polished and precise; really had her routine down to a fine science. I want to emulate her strength and assurance. I want to show I am that confident in myself and really mean it. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

 I'm so fucking tired it's ridiculous. I just want to say how I feel and be me for me. I want to be upfront and follow my heart without looking back. 

 

On Giving Notice

Sorry it's been so long. I have been a bit uninspired and slightly under the weather. I think of a million things to write about throughout my day and then when it comes time to blog, I just can't get the words out the right way. 

Recently we had an employee put their 2 weeks notice in randomly, completely out of nowhere. It is always a bit of a shock when someone decides to leave, but this was especially shocking because this employee  was a yes man, company guy all the way. He acted like everything was great on the surface, but had other feelings bubbling under the surface. 

The whole situation really stuck with me. It brings up the concept of loyalty. I keep thinking how could someone act so loyal and all about the company, really in it for the long haul, and it all be an act? How could someone keep in feelings of unhappiness and pretend it's all fine? How could it be so easy to shirk responsibility and have no loyalty to a company who gave them a chance? 

I think I am part of a dying breed; one with strong work ethic and a deep understanding of right and wrong. I may not know everything, I sure as hell am not an expert on budgeting, return on investment, or sales strategies, but that can be taught if the person is willing and smart enough. You can't teach heart. You can't teach someone how to be loyal if it's not in their nature. 

This man is a taker and while he may have reasons beyond unhappiness that drove his decision to leave, the fact that it was done so dishonestly is a shame and doesn't warrant any respect. Very few people, if any, have the front row seat that I have to the daily struggles and issues our boss, our fearless leader, has to deal with. I'm not sure anyone realizes how hard he works to make sure the ship sails smoothly and that everyone is happy. If they did they would be more understanding and loyal. 

Of course we all have independent goals and want to get ahead. That is a good thing. But you can't put yourself so far ahead that you forget about the loyalty it takes to get to the finish line. Accomplishment is only partly because of you; it is also a result of teamwork and people believing in you enough to give you the chance.

I had a feeling from the start that this guy was a total ass hat. He was overly aggressive from the get go, always trying to take over projects that he had no business being involved in, always pushing his way into the forefront of what he considered important.

People should be more aware of their personality they show to people. He was a guy who would only listen to you talk until he was no longer interested - basically until he was done expressing his  thought process. He considered hi self way more important than he was, a real Napoleon complex. He was assertive in all the wrong ways and came across as  disingenuous most of the time. 

I really wanted to like him and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. But lack of loyalty is where I draw the line. He set an example for myself and any others who paid attention - be honest with your intentions. Live and be real. Work hard and dedicate yourself to earn respect. Do good work and be a good person and good things will come to you.

It made me realize that I am very capable and can go very far because I have heart. I have commitment and respect and gain the same in return. You don't come on to a situation demanding those things, you work hard and earn them. 

What Kinda Woman Am I?

I haven't written in a few days. I've been exhausted from three days of purging old files in my office to make room for current paperwork. It's a project that is long overdue, but it was a nightmare to work through. It seems on the surface like no-brainer work, and it really is. But it was physically painful. I must really be old and fat because I am sore from bending down and moving boxes of heavy files. I'm exhausted and my allergies are in overdrive.

Worst of all I ruined my gel manicure! Honestly that's the most frustrating part of it all. I'm an idiot for getting my nails done the weekend before I know I'm going to be doing this manual labor...

This disappointment I feel regarding my nails makes me recognize I'm way more girly than I thought. And I'm fine with that! It doesn't need to be hidden any more that I love manicures, waxing my eyebrows, massages, facials, shopping and shoes. It is okay to fill the stereotypical role of a female. As long as I'm true to myself and I'm happy.

I am also part tomboy still and will never lose that quality of my personality...hopefully. I discovered recently that like football a lot and I'm quite competitive. I also am very protective and can also be a bit crass, always in a friendly was of course. I have a love for dirty jokes and toilet conversation. And that's okay...

Who is to determine what are the "right" or "wrong" personality traits for a woman? I would like to think I am well rounded and can be friends with or associated with anyone because of my diverse interests.

All I know is I am who I am and I'm not going to change that. Only thing I'm changing is the excess weight on my body and my chipped nail polish! 

It's Your Funeral

Most people do not consider their own mortality often or picture their own funeral. I never did until my father passed away. And I definitely never thought about it on a regular basis until I started working at a cemetery and mortuary.

Death is all around me daily and it's hard not to think about my own finality when I see it all the time as much as I do. Today was one of those days that really got me thinking. We had a funeral for a very notable figure in our community that brought in 800+ people. 800?!? I don't think I even know 100 people, especially not that many who give a shit about me enough to attend a ceremony honoring my departure to the afterlife! 

If I were to die today what would people say about me? Who would be there for my family or in my honor? Would I make a ripple in the community or would I pass away as quickly as any other day? 

I would hope to have only loving, kind and respectful people there to lay me to rest and speak stories of my humor and lust for life. I would hope my accomplishments and personal triumphs would be accurately characterized...wait?!? What are those accomplishments? 

I am left with a deep feeling of needing to do more. A need to live harder and more fulfilled. Live safely yet freely as if your last breath is moments away. Live and love deeply with purpose. I want to volunteer more. I want to pursue education, passion, and be an inspiration. I may not have monetary riches, but I can give motivation and encouragement and help to inspire. I can give my time and my heart. 

If I were at my own funeral I would talk about my heart. I would tell everyone the deep love I had for them and how my need to always do more came from my desire to help and to please. I wish for my family to know how dear they are to me and how thankful I am to have so many who care for me. I wish for my friends to know how I am who I am because of their support. I want my husband to know I am so thankful for such a good partner and best friend. That even if we fight or feel like we hate each other at times, he is my rock and has done a good job showing me his love. I want anyone in my life that I've connected with to know that they mean everything to me and that I feel every day lucky to be surrounded by such funny, witty, kind, caring and talented people who hold a place in my heart. 

If it were my funeral I would want everyone to know confidently that I am grateful for their love. And of course I would expect several dick, fart and "that's what grandma said" jokes!

Hurry the Fuck Up

I've been drug free for 10 years, smoke free for 3.5 years and alcohol free for almost 6 months. I can't help but reflect on the past these days, thinking about what my priorities were years ago and how different they are today. My motivation used to be so momentary; I looked forward a few hours, maybe a day or two at the most. Now I look ahead in terms of years. I look at my future decisions and the impact things will have in the long term.

I used to really want to escape expectations. I hated people thinking highly of me because I didn't want to disappoint by not living up to their high hopes for my success. I wanted to disappear and feel only the energetic wave of some good music and the high of a stiff drink washing away my fears and insecurities. I lived for fun and avoided trying in any capacity.

In looking back I do not hate who I used to be. I hate that I do not hate who I was. I miss the fun; the perpetual party; the feelings of carefree silliness. I miss the ease of my past life. If I had it my way I would be playing pool every night drinking a pitcher of ice cold beer, eating pizza, listening to classic rock, going to shows, and watching Beavis and Butthead...

But I'm a big kid now and I have to convince myself that knowing what I know now after all I have experienced, that life would not be as fun. So then what's the fucking middle ground? 

Living a sober life is so much harder than I thought, which scares me greatly. I never knew I had this much of an issue until I took alcohol out of my life for good. I quit drugs because drugs are bad, we all know this. I quit smoking because I didn't want to end up with a cancerous hole in my neck and was smoking 2 packs a day for several years. I quit drinking because it made me depressed- not because I had a problem...or so I thought...

I am currently have a tough ass time with it, especially with socializing. I am lacking motivation to go out to a bar. Even dinner is difficult. I think about the sweat beads of perspiration on the side of a cold pint of Stella Artois every Friday afternoon when I think about where to go for date night dinner. I randomly smell a captain and ginger in the air out of nowhere and I often reminisce mentally about the fun I used to have. I'm realizing that alcohol was a much bigger part of my life than I recognized. 

When I quit smoking I didn't replace the behavior with something positive. Rather I just stopped doing much of what I enjoyed and I think that as a result I had a harder time with it. I feel like I'm going through that emotional roller coaster all over again, which shows me how much alcohol affected me chemically.

But what do I do now? How do I start this phase of a healthier life? I keep telling myself it will get easier at some point...I just wish it would hurry the fuck up! 

Love the life you live and let everyone know it!

Today was a good day. Not necessarily a special day; nothing happened that was incredible or out of the ordinary. Just an all purpose good day. A day that reminds me how lucky I am.

It's been a hectic few weeks at work and within my personal life. It's nice to have a day like today where everything runs smoothly and moods are positive, even comical.

I need positivity and humor in my life to feel balanced, we know this about me. So when a day feels productive and is also full of laughs it's a considerable accomplishment. 

I realized today that I am not just lucky - I am luckier than most...sorry...but it's true. I am lucky because I work for a company that does something good and kind for families when they are suffering, struggling and at their lowest. I am lucky because I work with a group of quirky, interesting folk who are non-confrontational and relatively drama free...or I should say drama free with me. My job is satisfying; I like what I do and enjoy it even more when I know I've produced quality work or made people happy. And most importantly, I can be myself. I can be my crazy, slightly insane, sometimes moody, silly self and I am not asked to be different or stifle what makes me who I am. I am lucky because I love my day in and day out and honestly do not want to be anywhere else.

Sure it's not always a walk in the park or fun and silliness. Some times I go home feeling down or upset, but there is no such thing as a perfect job where you do not have a bad day every now and then. I know there will be better days like the one I had today and hope that there are more good than bad. 

I wish I knew how to better vocalize how appreciative I am. I'm very good at dodging emotional connection and avoid a hug like the plague. But truth be told I really am not as uncomfortable as I once was showing that I care. I totally fucking care!! I spent a lot of time in my past acting like I was too cool to care or show that I feel strongly about the things that really matter. I am a team player and it's okay to wear a dedicated, passionate heart on your sleeve. 

At the end of my day there was someone grumbling around with a snappy attitude. A pissy disposition like that usually ruins my day, however today that just wasn't an option. It wasn't worth ruining such a pleasant day for someone I don't even work with directly anymore. It isn't worth joining him in his bad mood. I'm going to go out on top and ride the high of my happy day knowing I am appreciated as much as I appreciate all that I'm given.

I see it every day - life is too short to get stuck in the muck. It isn't worth it. Connect and work hard and make a good life for yourself. Do subtle things to show your appreciation or come out and say it. Speak freely and be receptive. Love the life you live and let everyone know it!

I am creative - I like making something out of nothing in a good way. I like to build and construct with creativity. I am artistic and colorful. I make pretty pictures for a living. 

I really want to help - I want to better the lives of others and make a difference. I genuinely care and even if I'm busy I will stop what I'm doing to help someone out. 

I can have dinner with the president - I have class (although I may not always show it). I know when to say please and thank you and am someone who will make you look good and never embarrass. My dad didn't raise no fool! 

Strategic Recklessness

The whole point of this blog was to write about my struggles and successes both past and current. I feel I have strayed a bit as a result of day to day life stuff and need to refocus. I will shed some light on a side to me that I show to only those I'm really close with. My wild side.

Now I have definitely calmed down over the years, but I will never lose a goofiness to my personally. I will always be a bit wild and strategically recklessness. Very few people see the full extent of my silliness, especially since I've been sober. But it's in there; waiting until the time is right to strike.

I love to sing badly in crazy voices to the radio but will never do it to an audience. I love to pretend I'm a white rapper from the dirty South and car dance to pop music teenage girls listen to. I used to be a raving candy kid and that love of wicked electronic beats has never left.

I make voices and sing to my dogs off key on purpose almost daily, making up lyrics relating to them. I send my friends pictures of me making crazy/ugly faces almost daily. I will randomly bust out a purposefully obnoxious dance to amuse. I practice accents and voice over work when no one is around for no reason other than personal enjoyment.

I hold back the silly side to me because I'm afraid I'm going to be judged, but truth be told I absolutely love that side to me. I like to laugh and love to make others feel good.

Completely embarrassing to admit, I can do an impression of Elmo and Kermit the Frog spot on. I used to do it all the time and at one point recorded my voicemail greeting as Elmo. I was and still am one of the biggest nerds you'll ever meet; thing is I used to be ashamed of it but now I embrace it. Cause I'm dead sexy...haha I kid, I kid.

This leads me to my daily affirmations: 

I am young at heart - I may grow old in years but will never lose my silliness. I'm a joker from way back and will never forget how to laugh or take myself and life too seriously. 

I have sex appeal - I am not sexy. I'm not graceful or elegant or drop dead gorgeous. I have been told I have sex appeal, which is different. It's a combination of intelligence, beauty and intrigue. I don't know if I quite believe this one just yet, but maybe putting it in writing will help.

I try - I don't sit around and wait in hope that life will happen. I am realistic and recognize that it takes work. I put my mind to something and do whatever it takes to make it happen. If I want it I'll get it. I get things done!

I need to visualize my former crazy self and harness that a little bit more in my life, with strategic recklessness, carefully planned and executed craziness. I gotta remember to have fun!

A Little Boring...A Little More Hippie Than I Thought

I have lost my edge. I lost it somewhere without even realizing it. I noticed the other day that I am into things I used to despise and swore I would never enjoy. I may actually be boring!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint or a prude; I'll never be compared to Mother Theresa! I still appreciate a good dick joke or "that's what grandma said." I am still a gutter mind disguised in a dress. But I'm SO much more conservative; more subdued than my former years.

I am basically a purist minus the caffeine. I don't smoke (anything); don't drink alcohol; don't do drugs; work out every day or try to; try to eat healthy; don't really go to bars and if I do I'm still home by 10...I wake up at 5 am daily and consider sleeping in until 8 am an accomplishment. I enjoy time at home and the mellow life I live. Holy shit...I'm fucking boring! 

I'm okay with it though...I like being in control. I hate temptation. I am afraid if what I cannot anticipate with certainty. Am I living a limited life based on my fears or am I just living the way I should as I get older?

I think as years have gone by and my priorities have changed it's been harder and harder to make new friends. Friends with similar goals and understanding. I have a fantastic core group of friends and am so thankful for that. I am afraid that as we all get busier and life advances we will all see each other less and less. I hope not. I don't think I have it in me to start again. I've been down this road too many times. 

Nothing makes me happier than knowing someone really gets me- that there is a genuine connection and a mutual respect and admiration for one another. I don't want to lose those I have in my life today; rather build on those relationships and connect on a deeper level. 

If we do not know our purpose for being on this planet in this world the least we can do is live a happy life and love more. You will know it if I love you and I hope you'll show it back. 

I'm still a bit crass and immature at heart; I just have a little more hippie in me than I though (or maybe cared to admit) and there's nothing wrong with it. If being a boring, loving hippieish person equals happiness then so be it. 

Things Unspoken

I am going to start my blog with my affirmations for today because I'm not sure how to start my blog right now. The thing I want to talk about I can't and nothing else comes to mind. Maybe the affirmations will help bring it out or give me the opening to say what I'm scared to get out...

I have inner beauty - this is very vague, I realize. But I do. I have depth and sensitivity to my soul. I care deeply and love intensely. I have high expectations but it's only because of how much I put in. I am constantly self evaluating and trying to improve. 

I have nice boobs - this one caught you off guard, right? It's true. They are a nice size and real. It's true I would love a reduction, but they are quite nice and I should be more confident about them.

I am persuasive - I can build and win an argument. I can think on my feet and reason with anyone. I can show you the benefit and drive you to the right choice. I can argue for anything with tact and class. I fight for what I believe is right.

And with that, a topic has come to mind. Things unspoken. So many things go unsaid, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Some times it's okay to get upset or frustrated and let it dissipate over a few days rather than address it abruptly. It's okay to let it simmer and pass, right?

I sat with someone and carried on like things were fine, which they were for the most part, and they will be completely over time. Nothing relating to the tension was said but it was acknowledged; it was mutually felt I am sure of it. And that is okay. At least I hope so.

A lot of things can be chalked up to misunderstanding or insecurity. It comes from my feelings of solitude and lack of community. May just be a month long emotional period. Maybe I just miss the less stressful times, who knows. 

But things will turn around, they always do. I need to toughen my skin and shield myself better from letting too many people in. No one likes the Debbie Downer; it's not attractive. I need to remember my place and fight for what I want with grace and patience and forget those who don't care. Not harp on the negativity, but focus on believing the things I'm told without thinking there is a hidden agenda. 

I need to be less jealous. I had to take a moment with myself today to check myself. I had to get a grip and stop my mind from going into a dark hole of jealousy. I had to remember that nothing is being taken from me and that I am not thought of any less than before. I had to get control over my emotions and get on with my bad self. 

I don't know why I share half the stuff I tell you or anyone else. I keep thinking I should be more mysterious and hold back, yet I can't; I want to share. I want to share what I'm going through in case someone else feels the same but can't put words to their emotions. I want to be heard.

I am here and recognize now that one of my fears greater than I realized is being forgotten; overlooked; ignored; isolated; not loved. I don't want that ever. I want to be seen, heard, connected with, appreciated. I recognize that it starts with appreciating myself. It begins on the inside. I'll get there someday.