Have a Drink On Me

I have been quite a homebody lately, for the better part of this year really. Besides general laziness and a negative body image, I have really been avoiding situations like happy hours, dinners, etc. I try to make an effort once in a while to go out with a group of friends, but have been having a hard time doing anything social when alcohol is involved. Please note this is not a cry for help or anything like that - it's just me being honest about one of the things I think about of deal with in my life...

I decided drinking was not worth what happens to me the following day...scratch that, the following week. One beer, two drinks, eight drinks, it doesn't matter how much I consume, I am undoubtedly left with serious depression the next day that lasts through the week. I tried different alcohols thinking it may change the result, but still depression followed. It took a long time but I realized eventually that the only solution was not drinking. 

It's amazing how hard it can be to NOT drink once you make a rule for yourself that you are not allowed to. I have never wanted to drink more socially then now that I know I can't. It's the whole want what you can't have mentality. 

But the hardest is the fear of peer pressure or the line of questions about why I'm not drinking. Am I pregnant? Am I in recovery? Am I on a diet? All answers are no, but honestly it's no ones business why and shouldn't be any one's concern. I know I can't keep avoiding going out because I love my friends dearly and want to spend time with them. And it's simply not healthy. It's a cop out and total avoidance instead of facing my issues head on and taking control of the reins on my life. 

I realize that the questions from people come from two places - one, legitimate concern and curiosity and two, worry about why they feel they need to drink if I'm not. I think it makes people uneasy and causes them to look at their own choices and consider why they drink. I can say this - I made my choice for myself. I want to be a happier, healthier version of myself. I want to get my shit under control and live in a positive way. I don't want to knowingly cause myself more bad days where I feel low. I don't want to waste any more money on something that brings me down. I want a clean, healthy, happy life. 

Sure I miss it all - partying, drinking, smoking, the rock star lifestyle workout the talent. But I love my life now more. I love myself more and want to build a healthier life. I just hope to have the support of the friends in my life and happy times to come. 

Get Up...Get Out...Get A Life...

I really don't know what my deal is. I'm not depressed, not overly exhausted, definitely not feeling sick, yet the motivation to get off the couch, take a shower and go to the gym is just not there.

I have no problem going to the gym after work on the week days, but weekends are my struggle. I know I need to go and am completely unhappy with my weight, but I can't seem to motivate myself into action. 

I also can't decide what to do with my day. I am getting lunch with a friend which should be nice. But then what? I want to go to the beach considering it is supposed to be a scorcher. I also want to get coffee but have no one to get coffee with and don't want to sit there alone. I should go run errands but that's no fun. I have a whole day to myself pretty much every Saturday and I typically spend it debating what I should do and end up doing noting! So frustrating! 

I'm really not sure why motivation is one of my struggles right now. I used to be so driven and am not sure where that person went. I just need to suck it up, put one foot in front of the other and get my shit together! 

2 Years

It's been a few days since my last blog. I've really had nothing to complain about; things have been pleasant. And I really don't want this blog to be only complaints. 

I had a great day yesterday. It was my two year anniversary at my job. I sat in on two interviews for an open position and was asked a very strange question by one of the candidates - what are the negative aspects of your job and of the company? I was totally thrown for a minute and then realized that while there are stressful times or days when I'm feeling more pressure than others, there isn't really anything I hate. I am very lucky! I told her that like any job there are days that are better than others, but overall it is a comfortable, encouraging environment with a great team of coworkers and supportive management staff. I also noted that it was not an easy question to answer as what may be negative to me may be something she doesn't see as an issue. 

My answer was truthful. I don't tolerate my job and do it for a paycheck; I really love it. I work with a very unique group of people who, while they have their quirks, are genuinely good people. Total personalities. And I honestly do not think there is anyone out there who laughs as much as I do at their job. I crack up daily and can't imagine it any other way.

I think the best part of my job is having a boss that encourages me to try, learn and grow. I feel valued and trusted and that makes me want to work harder and better. Nothing is more satisfying then a day when projects are completed with ease, we work in sync and have fun in the process. Most days I leave work with a smile on my face because I know I did a good job and had a fun time in the process. 

I may not have that fancy house or a high powered car, but I have something more valuable. I have a job that I really look forward to every morning where I get to do what I love with amazing people. Today I have a full, happy heart and can't wait to see what the next two years have in store for me. 

Sensitive Flower

It's really frustrating when you end up on the crossfire of someones bad mood. When you end up bearing the brunt of their attitude. I am the first to admit that I've done this to many innocent victims.

My natural inclination is to think everything is personal; that if someone is not overly chatty then I must have done something wrong; that if someone snaps at me or has an elevated tone it must be a result of something I did. I'm fucking sensitive!

That's why I hate being snapped at. I don't know what to do with someone in this situation and instantly get a flush, nervous feeling and a fast heartbeat. My blood pressure spikes and my mind goes into overdrive. I feel like crying and don't know what to do to make it better. I feel like a kid at a core level who just wants to say "I'm sorry, please don't hate me" so things go back to normal.

And what if someone was already stressed out and thus overly sensitive as a result and it was something I said that triggered the bad mood and angry reaction? How do you come back from that? I'm just left feeling like a complete ass hat and have to wait it out. 

I wish people communicated more openly, myself included. I wish people were open to say something like "hey, I'm in a bad mood" or "excuse my distance, I'm under a lot of pressure right now." Maybe even a little confirmation like "it's not you or anything you did, it's something I'm going through right now." 

I try to be open with the people I'm closest to and make an effort to be forthcoming with my mood and aware of how it affects them. I really try to vocalize when I'm struggling and although it is hard, I try to admit that I'm in a bad head space and that I don't mean to take it out on others.

The most amazing thing is that once I admit I'm having a hard time it's almost like that is a form of acceptance and my mood shifts. It's just the coming to terms with it that makes it a little bit better and less of a big deal. 

We all have struggles, believe me where I am at right now is no walk in the freakin park. Trying to build a business, a family, make an imprint in my career, save money, and survive is not a short order and gets me down. I can't take it out on others and have to be more aware of how my attitude affects others around me. 

At the end of the day I realize it is not a perfect world and not everyone is comfortable with their shortcomings and can admit when they are gruff or having a hard time. Not everyone is open about their feelings and how they affect others. I can only worry about me and how I react to them. I'm a sensitive flower building a stronger stem. 

Rules of Conversation

There are certain things that in my opinion that should be a standard in every one's behavior. Certain ways of acting in public towards others that is kind and respectful. These standards should be universal and not debatable or subject to interpretation. Please note that no names will be used in examples provided or situations described. You can use your imagination and insert any character into the roles portrayed.

First, one should never say something that mocks or insults a person’s lunch. For example, one shouldn't say "you really shouldn't eat processed food like that. You’re never going to lose weight eating that." Or "you are really going to eat that for lunch?" It is incredibly rude and makes people feel like they should go eat in a corner, away from those offended by the lunch selection. Why do they even give a shit what I'm eating for lunch? It's my stomach digesting my processed food and my body that is affected by my choice. Get a life!

Second, one should refrain from making snarky comments that are intended to be digs or pot shots. Everyone has something they are displeased with or bothered by, but if no one asks for your opinion, it is best not to share it. An example of this distasteful behavior would be a situation like this… Let’s say you go into the communal kitchen every day and have to clean up and put away the used blender that is taking up the entire sink. While you are struggling to clean this nasty blender full of smoothie remnants someone walks over to you and says, “oh that is so-and-so who left that in there. We were shaking today…” casually like it is no big deal. To which you reply, “so-and-so should clean it and put it back so everyone can use the sink to wash their dishes.” I would consider this replay a normal and polite way of asking someone to be a responsible adult and clean up their mess. Now here comes the rude part…after listening to the reply, this person then walks down the hall to the so-and-so responsible for making the mess and says loud enough for you to hear “so-and-so, you better clean up the blender after you use it or you’ll be in trouble.” I would expect a catty teenage girl to act like this but an adult should know better. Starting trouble or stirring the pot is not a hobby and just makes a person look like they are without any manners, good upbringing or respect. 

Third, one should never think that their pictures from their weekend hike or their story about current events is more important that what another person is saying. Everyone has a right to talk and a conversation is made up of two equal parts; speaking and listening. Neither are optional and one should not be done more than the other. Both equal. For example, if two people are conversing about their weekend while waiting for their food to heat up, it is never acceptable for you to shove your phone in their face rudely interrupting the conversation being had just to show how beautiful the weather was for your hike. Not only do I most likely not care about how clear the sky was, but it is extremely disrespectful to barge in and change the subject. It is a self-centered mindset to think that what you have to say is more important than what someone else is currently talking about. Like you should have been taught as a child, sit patiently and wait your turn. 

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, stop publicly complaining! Do not share with the world how displeased you are about the way things have changed. Do not make it a habit of always talking about how miserable you are, how you aren’t getting enough of this or how you’ve been let down by that. To the perpetual complainer, the Debby Downer, the old Kvetch, I say it is what it is and if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

I just want to sit and eat my crappy, processed lunch that will probably make me even fatter before I have to wash my dishes as well as other people's dishes while having a conversation with someone which will probably get interrupted by someone trying to show me pictures of their beautiful day in Malibu that I don’t even care about because I ain’t got time for that!

Real Life Treasure Hunt

I recently watched an episode of Small Town Security (I know...don't judge me...) where Brian, the office manager, discussed his hobby of Geocaching. For those of you who have never heard of this, geocaching is a free real-world outdoor treasure hunt where players try to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, using a smartphone or GPS and can then share their experiences online. I find it completely fascinating.

Taking my curiosity further I went to www.geocaching.com to get a better understanding and see what people find. I entered my zip code and found hundreds of coordinates from Santa Monica to LAX Airport where people have hidden various treasures for other adventurous strangers to find. 

I love this concept of an adult treasure hunt. The rules are so simple. Join a community of other nerdy adventure seekers on the site, get a GPS and enter coordinates, go on your adventure and find the hidden item. Once you locate said item snap a photo of your success with the item and put it back for someone else to discover. Amazing. 

My draw to this whole thing is the connectivity it brings to perfect strangers in the world. Someone randomly picks an item to hide and another complete stranger comes along and finds it. And the cycle continues. Each stranger is now connected by the same item they all searched for. With a world as busy and chaotic as it is today it is an activity like geocaching that encourages connectivity and community. 

I am excited by the wonder of what I could find that has been sitting there, right under every one's noses in the community just waiting to be found. I wonder what the story will be behind the item I find and how it got there or who it find from. I am fascinated with the excitement of the hunt and the satisfaction that will come when it is found. I think I have stumbled on to a new hobby.

All By Myself

I am sitting by myself heaving a healthy breakfast at IHOP waiting for my car to get service. This is so foreign to me, eating alone. I don't even like the sound of the word alone...sounds so final, so dark, so harsh. I'm finding that it really isn't all that bad. It is quite enjoyable to sit and reflect and take in the moving world around me. I have been so down in the dumps and stressed out lately and it's kind of nice to get away from that and zone out at breakfast by myself. 

My first real experience eating alone was when earlier this year I decided to take a solo trip up the California coast to Morro Bay. Man was that a challenge! A good challenge that really tested my comfort zones and forced me to face my fear of independent activity. I learned that it may be awkward initially, but it gets easier and easier over time and now I am sitting here completely comfortable in my own skin. I realize no one is staring at me thinking "look at that girl all alone..." No one cares or even notices and there is something comforting in the idea that I can disappear into the atmosphere of the restaurant and just observe. 

I'm having quite an unmotivated day. My throat hurts big time and I think my stress and worry has come to a head and I am at my breaking point where all I want to do is alternate between sleeping and watching cheesy movies. I know I have to get my ass in gear and get to the gym as soon as my car is ready. I feel like I need a pep talk to walk the 6 blocks back to the dealership to pick up my car, so it's going to take everything I've got to get to the gym! Help!! 

It's funny how life can at times feel like a balancing act; a game of Jenga where at any moment if one thing is moved slightly it can all come crashing down. I know I'm being totally dramatic and that's mostly because I'm exhausted and not feeling well, but I'm trying to find a way to calm my nerves and realize it is a mere moment in time and like all other struggle in my life, this too shall pass. 

Can't Get No Satisfaction

I've been writing many of these blogs one handed on my iPhone while on the elliptical. Working out and getting a deep sweat seems to bring out all sorts of feelings. It's the only quiet time I have where I can completely let go and zone out...and think. I have a million thoughts firing off in my mind all the time, except when I'm working out. The repetitive movements and continual motion lulls me into a trance.

Today all I can think about is satisfaction. Am I satisfied with how I look? Am I satisfied with my work? Am I satisfied with my home? I am an all-in type of person and love hard, work hard, laugh hard - I live hard, with a lot of rules and expectations for myself. 

That way of living plays into feeling dissatisfied. I can never be happy with the status quo. I am constantly looking for growth with little patience. We moved from the valley to the westside less than 2 years ago to a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment with an ocean view in walking distance from the beach and I am already ready to move on. And why? Because a few of my peers recently purchased homes. I easily forget that they have all had financial assistance since high school from their parents and have been born into a life without struggle. I have not been that fortunate. 

I feel like people have no clue just how hard Tom and I are working towards our future. How hard it is for us to build a business with no help at all. How hard it is to even conceptualize a down payment on a decent home right now.

And why do I really care? Our place is nice! So nice in fact that we spend most of our time at home instead of going out with friends. I just keep reminding myself that we will appreciate our home that much more when we do get one because we had to really work for it.

To be honest, I am feeling down today. I've been quiet all day, mostly because of a large design project I'm in the middle of, but also because I feel pretty low. Dissatisfied. Down on myself for having to struggle so much. Down on myself for always choosing the hard way to do things.

I am not losing weight fast enough. No satisfaction. I feel so ugly lately and really want to feel confident and attractive. I want to feel the satisfaction that I look hot and everyone knows it...as conceited as it sounds it's honest. I want my husband to feel like he is married to the sexiest woman in Santa Monica. I guess you can say I am a bit discouraged, but I'm not giving up. Please don't let me give up my inner strength...

I have to remember that I do have a lot to be satisfied with. I absolutely adore my job and even with days where nothing seems to work smoothly or things are stressful, I am in love with what I do and where I am.

I should be satisfied with the progress of the plumbing company. In less than two years we've hired several employees and acquired a shop. And in the face of the economic downfall we launched the company and have not had a slow period to date (knock on wood). Tom has worked his ass off to build his company from the ground up with absolutely zero financial assistance. Not only is that satisfying, it is admirable. 

It helps to write this stuff out to remember all the things I am happy about and thankful for. Life isn't always fun and isn't supposed to be easy. It is luck if it is and normal if it isn't. Life is work. 

Fractured Family

Lets dig even deeper and get into the topic of family. Family is something different for everyone - of course there are overlapping similarities but the way they communicate or their closeness varies. Some people have tight family units, having weekly family dinner and taking an annual family vacation. Other people are estranged from one or several family members. Family is personal.

My family started out one way and has developed into something else. I grew up with loving parents and a sweet, gentle grandma on my mothers side. Mavis, my little grandma, was a kind soul full of colorful stories of her youth in Canada and a strong love of her family. She was so good to me; the exact type of person you imagine a perfect grandmother to be. Then there is my dads mother, Ronnie. She was a piece of work. Life was hard on her and made her into a feisty, hardened woman who only knew ruling with an iron first and an old leather belt. I realize now that she could be considered abusive. But according to everyone that was just grandma...

Every Saturday my father and his brother played 3-4 hours of basketball on a league with their friends at Venice High School. My dad would take me with him, loading me up on sugar donuts and letting me run a muck. My uncle brought my two cousins as well who joined me in the muck running. This is of course was when we all got along. Life is very different now. 

Grandma Ronnie would watch us grand kids many Saturday nights so our parents could go out and get jiggy with it. We would of course run her ragged with our mischief and every weekend she would swear never again would we all be together at once...we always called her bluff. Life was full of promise and fun to be had and I looked forward to events with my entire family. I loved going on long bike rides with my father, his brother and my cousins on warm spring afternoons. I loved holidays with the boisterous crew. I had fun being a crazy kid with my cousins and really felt my family was the most special.

I have 2 cousins I was very close to growing up, J who is 2 months older than me and her sister A who is 3 years younger. As my cousin J and I grew into our early teens my grandma Ronnie became more and more verbally abusive to me. She would constantly compare me to J, telling me I should lose weight like J, dress like J, make decisions like J. I was not then and never would be equivalent to J in my grandma's eyes and it made me sad, mad, confused, and insecure. I suffered silently for many years allowing my grandmother to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong and the ways I could be as good as J. I never called her enough because J called her three times a week. I did not go away to college like J so therefore I must not be intelligent. I didn't get married fast enough like J did and certainly didn't marry for money, so I must not be as successful as her. My grandma made me feel inferior for most of my young adult life until I decided the best thing to do was distance myself from her.

In fact, I distanced myself from almost everyone on my father's side of the family once he passed away. He was the glue that held his crazy family together, and once he was gone my mother and I were considered insignificant.  I have not talked to my aunt, uncle, cousins J or A in 5 years this September. After great debate and mental anguish I made the decision to have my godfather walk me down the isle at my wedding. He was the one there for me through my fathers illness and dying process. He was the one who checked in on me weekly after he passed. He was the one I was closest to and the one I felt worth of taking my father's place down the isle. My aunt and uncle felt otherwise and caused an uproar with the family.

As a result of my decision I was shunned. Treated badly, verbally blasted, confronted in a public restaurant by my aunt in a fit of rage. Looking into her angry stare and my uncles sad eyes I knew then that I would no longer associate with them. I knew they were not my true family and that I did not need that negative energy in my life. I also knew that all the nasty things my grandmother used to say were not true, in fact it was the opposite. I was the template J should have followed. My aunt has never been happy and will continue to get one cosmetic surgery after the next to continue to fill a void that comes from deep within from the emotional tragedy of her life. J will always settle as a compromise to having endless amounts of money and will do the same to her children as was done to her. A will continue to be tortured by her own inner demons and will always be paid for and sheltered by her parents as a means to an end to not have to deal with the real cause of their problems. But I will be past all the pettiness. I will rise above the judgments and negativity. I will be happy.

A Big Regret

Getting back to where I left off in the first blog, I will explain life in my twenties and how I miraculously ended up where I am today. Ok, it wasn't a miracle; I actually worked really hard in the last 8 or so years towards the place I am now without even realizing I was on a set path. But before that I made some interesting choices...

With a lack of desire to educate myself, I abandoned University of Massachusetts and came back to the beautiful San Fernando Valley. A part of me realizes now I should have stayed in school and got that stupid degree so I would not have to fight so hard for everything in my later years when I decided to grow up and be a contributing member of adult society. 

Once home I attended SMC when I felt it was important to go to class, but mostly spent my time sleeping until 12 or 1 pm, playing pool and drinking copious amounts of alcohol nightly. I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and threw my middle finger up in the air at the rest of the world. I was clearly depressed and lost and had zero confidence, but it was easier to mask those feelings and issues with drugs and alcohol then address them with a professional. And honestly, I liked to party. My party persona was outgoing, invincible, carefree and confident as hell. She was sexy, flirty, fun and wild. I was two parts punk, one part grunge, one party free spirit.

During all this I met a guy, who we shall refer to as B, at my local Starbucks. I feel madly in love with him or so I thought at the time…truth be told I had no clue what real love was. A few months into our relationship I found out he had a 3 year old son and a wife who he had not technically divorced back home in Arizona. The fact that he hid this very vital information from me should have been the initial warning sign. But I was young and head over heels crazy for him and couldn’t see past my irrational emotions and the mystique of his artistic charm. 

B and I dated for a year or so and in that time I got my own apartment, he got evicted from his, moved into mine, and I paid the bills. I was managing a wine accessories kiosk at the Westfield Century City shopping mall selling these super cheesy wine bottle holders, wine tasting kits, glass charms, etc. It wasn't a glamorous job but it paid the bills (barely). Eventually I hired B so he could have some income since he had been fired from various Starbucks’ at least a few times for stealing. I was so blinded by the poetic dreamer persona of his that I didn't realize how much of a bad person he was and how immature I was at the time. I was too trusting and found no fault in him hanging out with my girlfriends without me there.  Naturally what follows is the discovery that he was sleeping with my close friend while I was at work making money for us to survive. Of course drugs and alcohol were involved, but so was bad judgment and dishonesty.  And two consenting adults who should have known better. So that was it; I forced him out at 3 am and kept all of his belongings, most of them I'm sure I paid for anyhow.

The reason I am explaining this whole part of my life now is because it is another turning point where I made the wrong choice and suffered a terrible consequence as a result. My father met B and knew right away that he was not the right guy for me. He warned me that he was troubled and that he was without goals or direction and that if I was not careful I too would be sucked into that world. Much to my detriment I ignored his advice and continued my relationship. This angered my father so much and challenged the closeness we had with one another.  He knew better but I wouldn’t recognize it and didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to prove I was an adult capable of making the right decisions for my life, when in all actuality I was still a child. I didn’t know anything. I should have listened to my dad.

The consequence for my relationship with B was losing a year of time with my father. A year I should have spent with my father building memories rather than with someone who would end up hurting me. A year I should have spent with my father considering he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer the year after. It is something I have terrible regret for and wish I could do over. But it also served as a wakeup call to me, reminding me that you never know what is in the cards for your future. Anyone can get sick or have something happen that is out of the ordinary and out of their control. Life happens whether we like it or not, and so we must get our priorities in order and be true to ourselves and our families. We must look beyond the here and now and make decisions based on the long term or overall happiness. 

Think better, act smarter, love more, and fight less. And most importantly, listen to the ones who love us who most likely do know what is best even if it pisses you off! 

Evil Unknown

Brace yourself, it's about to get personal.

I want to bring things back to what made me start this blog in the first place - a detailed look at my life, my struggles and greatest fears. The obstacles in my way. 

I have bad anxiety. Constantly. I have learned coping mechanisms and various tools to quiet my inner voice, but it is work. I use humor to deflect real feelings a lot of the time and am always afraid I am not accepted or liked. According to my inner voice I have never been smart enough, pretty enough, or worthy of being respected. I am not deserving of close friendships, accolades or praise for hard work, or a loving relationship. I am my own worst enemy with a defeatist attitude and a cynical spirit. 

The worst of it is that I overcompensate by acting confident and comfortable in my own skin...fake it till you make it... But I'm exhausted! I am tired of caring and trying so fucking hard. I am sick of my inner bitch telling me what I can't do or why I'm too ugly to associate with pretty people or that don't have enough zeros in my annual salary to be considered respectable.

Another detrimental flaw of mine is fear of humiliation. I am constantly tortured with the notion that I will be humiliated in some way. One big one is making fun of my laugh...sounds so ridiculous when I write it out, but it's true. I loathe humiliation when I don't see the joke coming. When I am caught off guard by a joke made at my expense my world rips apart at the seams. 

It would only be natural that I also fear public speaking, even if its a group of five. It just opens up way too many chances of doing or saying something foolish and worthy of group laughter.

 I used to be a lot worse; not getting out of my car at a public place to meet someone until they arrived, not going places I really wanted to go to because I was alone...I have made major strides as a more confident person since then, but there is much more improvement needed.

I realized recently that it all stems from one major fear that is the undercurrent of my emotions - fear of the unknown. The unknown to me is as scary and uncharted as the deepest part of the big blue. It is where anything can happen, the Bermuda Triangle of actions and reactions and it scares the shit out of me. I am an eternal planner and a control freak. I don't know what to do with situations out of my control, unexpected run ins with people, unanticipated questions, things going against the original plan. The unknown is my mental apocalypse. 

If what they say is true, the first step to getting past this is admitting I have a problem. So fuck it, I have a big, dark, scary problem! (That's what she said) 

Along with my weight loss I need to trim the fat on these unhealthy fears. I need to  punch my nasty inner bitch in the throat and focus on my positive attributes. I hope one day to have a quiet mind and a full heart, unburdened by the limitations and harsh critique I put on myself.

Pop Rotten Youth

I was in a store and heard this song...it is Crazy Kids by Kesha (or Ke$ha for you cool kids)...if this is what speaks to the children of today I am very afraid for what the future holds when these kids become decision makers.

Hello, wherever you are
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars
We don't give a fuck cause that's just who we are
And we are, we are we are, we are we are
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids
And we are, we are we are, we are we are
The crazy kids, we are the
We are the crazy people

The Justin Bieber generation will inevitably grow up and become the adult leaders of our society. But with role models like Kesha speaking to their hearts, I wonder if these giant babies will ever mature. Kesha is an artist produced in a room, told to look a certain way. Molded as a money making machine with no real talent, just a feather in her hair and some glitter on her face. She is merely a right place, right time generic pop sensation that could be easily replaced by any other sun kissed face with blond hair.

I have heard a 7 year old sing this song, word for word, not necessarily understanding what they were saying, but they were hooked nonetheless. This song teaches our youth to say fuck it all and that life is a constant party so go get bombed. This song makes me think of teenage pregnancy, a mass epidemic of gonorrhea, and an increase in drug addiction. Life is hard enough without the influence of Kesha, Nicki Minaj, even Selena Gomez, although from tonight's research she seems to be the least offensive of young pop artists. There is so much pressure on young girls to be skinny, sexy, and popular from media and music. I have never been more thankful that I was raised on good old classic rock and roll than today.

Most teenagers have never heard of Rush, AC/DC, Kiss, even Red Hot Chili Peppers. They cannot name one song by Led Zeppelin. If you ask a teenager who Ozzy Osbourne is they may tell you "that goth guy from that reality show", but have never heard of his band Black Sabbath. And forget knowing Ronnie James Dio, Jim Morrison, or Freddie Mercury! It is a goddamn shame that the music of today consists of cheesy pop beats and repetitive lyrics with no deeper meaning than "I want to slap that ass" or "let's get drunk in a club then do things we'll regret in the morning."

I wonder if this is how my parents thought of my music and my friends growing up. I am of the age of grunge and hard rock, once a devoted Kurt Cobain fan. I used to listen to Sabbath, Metallica and the Chili Peppers in my room at an ungodly decibel and I can only imagine how my parents felt; probably the exact way I feel about kids and their music now. They didn't get me and I do not understand the younger generation today. I think we are doing a great disservice to society promoting artists like Kesha and it is about time we bring back true rock and roll.  In the words of the great AC/DC, "for those about to rock, we salute you."

 

Forever Friends

It has to be said – I have some really great friends, especially the friendships I have cultivated over the past few years. Knowing Father’s Day was especially difficult for me, I had a few friends reach out with words of encouragement and understanding and made me feel so loved. I am a lucky girl. It showed me that while I am saddened by the fact that my father is not in my life, I am loved by others so much and that family is whatever you decide it should be; friends or otherwise.

Speaking of friendship, my father had over 400 people attend his funeral. They were all close friends. Some were friends from elementary school, others from his time at USC. Even the FedEx delivery man was there to share his condolences as he and my father bonded over lengthy conversations about college basketball. 

I have not maintained my friendships in the same fashion. My life has been filled with so many different types of friends from many different places. Quite a few friendships have dissipated over the years, especially those from childhood. There are a couple of people who I was once close with who have over embedded themselves in my social network. These people are in my life out of ceremony and obligation. 

Because of this I have spent the past several months trying to reconnect with friendships lost over time. It has been like meeting strangers for the first time, getting to know them for the adult they have become and likewise them getting to know me. While there are a few people who I will continue to spend time with, there are many others who were great friends during one point in my life, but are on completely different paths today. Some people have not progressed and are in the same place they were when we were last friends ten years ago. Some people are so different there is absolutely no common ground. 

Finding people to build lasting, quality friendships with is not easy. Trust is something I struggle with as I have had too many people burn me in my past. There are very few friends in my life that I let see every aspect of my personality, the good the bad and the ugly. Expectations are another issue. I have very high expectations for friends in terms of flakiness and being truthful, caring people. I put 100% effort into my friendships, am a firm believer in loyalty, and have zero tolerance for drama. I have had enough drama in my life to know that nothing good comes from a jealous, fair-weather friendship. 

As a result of everything that has happened with various friendships over the years I have to fight against becoming jaded and thinking everyone will disappear in the end or wrong me in some way. All I can do is focus on being a better friend, better listener and better confidant to the people I care about in my life and in return hope they do the same for me.

I know now, especially after yesterday, that I have met some truly amazing people that I hope to keep in my life for the long haul.

Dan The Man

Today is a hard day. I used to love Father's Day. I loved every day I spent with my dad, but father's day was a time I could make things extra special for him to show him how much love I had for him. Whether it was a creative project or a store bought gift, I loved putting something special together for him to show him how appreciative I was of his care and love.

Today Father's Day falls right along side his birthday, my birthday, any anniversary date, etc. - another reminder of his absence and a stinging on my heart that he is not around for the future. A whole day dedicated to showing appreciation and love to our father's and I am unable to do so.

Social media makes this even worse. Post after post of pictures of friends and their fathers paying homage to their strong male role models who they love so dearly. I want to be happy for everyone, I really do. I want to be happy that they have such wonderful father's in their lives that they love so much who are around to celebrate the good times and help them through times that are tough. But there is a part of me that is jealous that they have all this and that my father, so good and so kind, was taken from my life too early and is not here for me to show him how much good he has done for me in my own life and how much I have learned as a result of him.  

I must confess I can barely remember his voice. Actually most of the time I cannot recall the timber in his voice as he said my name. I can barely remember his face if I am not looking at a picture. I can slightly remember his smell in his suit shirts when he came home from work and gave me a hug after walking in the door to our house. I have no recollection of his laugh. I wish I did and never thought a day would come where I would forget. I want to remember everything and fear that a day will come where I cannot remember him at all. And then he will really be gone for eternity. I feel like small but detailed memories like the creases on his brow or the pitch to his laugh or the memories of moments in time like my first birthday or Saturday's at the Venice High basketball courts are what keeps his spirit on this earth. It preserves him in my mind and keeps his presence in my life. I know there will be a day where I will have forgotten all these details and he will be officially gone forever. I am scared and sad for that day to come.

On this Father's Day I will try extra hard to remember. And I will use the pictures posted by my friends as motivation to keep my father in my life through the memories in my mind and the love in my heart. I will work harder in his honor to live as he did and be a better person; nicer to others, more helpful to strangers, less judgmental to those less fortunate or who I do not understand. If he cannot be here with me I will life for him in my daily life. My memories may fade with passing time but he will live on in my actions. Dan the Man will live on forever.

Stuck in a Rut

Saturdays are tough. I look forward to the weekend during the work week because I can turn my alarm off and attempt to sleep in; because I do not technically "have" to be anywhere I do not want to be, except whatever obligations or commitments I have willingly signed up for. Yet whenever Saturday rolls around I struggle to find the motivation to do much of anything. I have started a habit of forcing myself to commit to plans; this way I have to get my ass up and do something with my day. I am not sure if I am just exhausted from hard work throughout the week or if I am bored with my options of activities. Maybe I am depressed. Perhaps overwhelmed. Quite possibly a bit of it all.

I am going to have breakfast with two good friends. I am waiting until the very last minute to take a shower and get dressed and throw some makeup on my face. I am not sure why and in my mind I want to be proactive and get ready early and look cute for girls brunch, but I just don't do it.

I think I am approaching my bottom in terms of body image and weight loss. I worked my ass off a few years ago to get down to a confident, skinny, sexy me. I worked out every day, ate healthy, was committed to working out and being active, hiked every Sunday. And as a result I was happy with myself, confident in who I was and really felt sexy, which was a real first for me.

Since those two years I have had many changes in my life; lemons thrown my way. I have quit smoking which as we all know is a sure fire way to pack on the pounds. I have switched jobs to a place I absolutely love, but spent a year commuting an hour and a half each day, eating in my car, eating badly at night, barely going to the gym because of lack of time. I had some family drama - grandma passed away and my mom had a freak accident breaking her arm in half. I've had relationship issues that I have been working on as well as spent more time going out to dinners with new friends. All in all it has added up to me gaining 20 or so pounds back. And I am back to being miserable.

I know its bad when I don't even have it in me to shop. I love textiles and the smell of retail. It is hard to admit, but I have to really restrain myself when it comes to spending money on the things I love. I am a brand snob and get off on the first time I wear a new outfit or break in a pair of new heels. But I can't even find the desire to shop being the weight I am currently. Why would I buy myself something new? I did nothing to deserve it.

I am going to look back at how I did it before; how I accomplished my big weight loss success and start over. Starting over sucks big time. But if I keep putting it off for another day I will be that much farther behind and it will be even more difficult. I also need to find more motivation and encouragement in my life. I need to surround myself with others with similar goals who promote healthiness. I need to push past feeling down and just start doing something because once I am out there the motivation will follow....right? One can only hope...

What's the Hold Up?!

Sometimes I get to my local Starbucks drive-thru before it opens in the morning. If it is only a matter of minutes I simply wait by the order box until they politely greet me and take my order. Seems like a simple concept. But for some waiting 2 minutes for a cup of coffee is a tragedy comparable to cutting off a toe or the apocalypse.

So here I am patiently waiting the two minutes until they open up shop and I've got a fat, cranky old barnacle of a man in a busted contractors truck behind me revving his engine to indicate his displeasure with the situation. I ignored this gesture which might as well have been him clearing his throat loudly and stomping his foot on the ground like a little whiny baby. This pissed him off even more. Then he squeezes his fat, disheveled old head out his window and yells "hey lady, what's the hold up?!" To this I reply, "the drive-thru does not open until 7, which is written on the sign right next to you. THAT'S THE HOLD UP!" With a shocked and appalled look on his face he mutters, "well what's your problem?!" And now agitated and provoked, I reply "you sir are my problem. Your rude attitude first thing in the morning is my problem!" And said angry old buzzard drives away in a huff. 

The morning drive consisted of several angry drivers all jockeying for a better position on the freeway on ramp even though they will all get there at the same time. I was cut off three times and made my horn my best friend. I am so disappointed that I have become this worked up. It's fucking Friday!! 

These types of encounters, which happen more often than not, lead me to lose faith in human decency. I know there are good, patient, pleasant people out there, but it seems like there are less and less around as time goes by. I find I am dealing with snappy, impatient, crotchety people more often than anything else. I am met with a dirty look or a snappy comment more often than a kind person holding the door open for me or saying thank you. 

We all start out in the same place; as a blank slate for our parents to mold and develop into decent members of society. It is their main responsibility to teach us right from wrong and how to be polite and understanding. It is up to them to provide us with tools and knowledge to act accordingly with grace and class. Is it possible that so many have failed? That is a really sad thought that I would like to believe isn't true. 

Maybe it's the pressure of the times- we are all rushing to get up and get to work, to make money to survive. We are an instant gratification society that needs everything bigger, better, faster...NOW! I am at fault of this myself as I am far from sainthood. I am going to make a conscious effort to slow down every now and then and smell the roses so to speak. We could all spend a little more time practicing the fine art of patience and work harder to take things in stride and go with the flow, whatever the flow may be.