Euphoric Life

Why do I have more confidence some weeks than others? Why is it that some weeks go so smoothly, almost fun where everything gels together seamlessly? This week has been off to a start like that. It's one of those weeks where I enjoy the projects thrown my way and feel inspired. It has been a week of laughter on top of being focused and or seems like everyone has a positive attitude. I love these weeks. I don't want it to stop and fear tomorrow will bring out a darker mood, thus ending the high.

Life is a trip. You work through things, whether it be projects or evaluations, designs or copy, putting all your focus into it until its done and then you ride the high of a completed job. You ride the high of satisfaction for a job well done until the next project hits your desk.

It's the same for personal connections. I don't know about you, but laughter is a natural high for me. It hits my core and I feed off of it, feeling closeness and happiness from silly jokes. I love a genuine smile that comes from a good joke or witty connection. I can't imagine life without laughter and joking and really hate days where humor is lacking.

I used to depend on chemicals to feel a sense of euphoria. I loved an untouchable sense of elevation and thrill from being loaded and didn't want the rush to stop. My rush is now humor and my work. My high is a sense of satisfaction that I did my job well. It is from laughter and silliness. It is from being myself and being comfortable in my skin. It is from good experiences and special moments. 

Life is so different now and I have grown so much. I will never regret who I was and where I came from since that is a big factor in who I am today. I am content that I have found a new sense of euphoria and have a life worth living that I totally freakin love! 

Not So Great Expectations

Expectations are useless and counterproductive to living happily. I've always had high expectations for friends, family members, work situations, relationships...I think because I always try to put 100%+ of myself into everything I expect to get it back. I've over examined and dissected so many situations that whatever the outcome was didn't stand up to the perception I built up in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I could flip it and reverse it...I wish some of my crazy dreams were actual reality and my boring days or disappointments were nightmares I wake up from. 

I think high expectations are the downfall to most relationships - intimate and friendship. If you expect a person to act a certain way, do things as you do, or live up to something other than who they are naturally, it isn't going to work. If you want to change someone so much they will no longer resemble the person you were initially drawn to, what's the point in that relationship? 

I'm not saying you should throw any and all expectations out the window, I'm just saying you may consider lowering the bar. Analyze your measure that you hold everyone up to...chances are its too high. And I don't know about you but I hate feeling disappointment. 

Just because someone doesn't ask you how your weekend was after you've asked them doesn't mean they are a bad person. If someone doesn't take as much interest in you as you do in them it doesn't necessarily mean they are selfish. And it shouldn't mean you stop being you and caring; just don't expect the same back. You may be putting in too much. I know I do. I am always trying to please and feel like less than 50% of the time I get the same back. 

I understand now that that is a reflection of me and no one else. I'm always caring for someone else, going out of my way for people, offering up help for no reason,  remembering things people tell me that I file away in my memory as important to them so therefore important to me. I will remember your favorite colors. Favorite meals, stories that you've shared, fears and accomplishments; I remember it all. II will get your back in a fight and stand up for your beliefs. I am fiercely loyal. But that's me and doesn't have to be you. 

I'm not saying I'm a saint and I'm not telling you this for praise. I'm writing because its taken me a long time to understand that it's a matter of what I expect and not something others necessarily need to change. And if there are truly selfish d-bags that never ask you how you are and act like they care only long enough to talk about themselves then fuck em! Take back your care and respect and tell them to take a hike. Not worth it. 

I do not expect everyone to think or act the same. I don't think everyone will show care, love or friendship in the same way. I no longer expect phone calls or texts back, well wishes on my birthday, or even a good morning salutation.  

All I expect is decency. I expect people I care about to care for me in return. I expect those who say they are my friend to act like it. I expect my family to love me unconditionally and stand by my side. I expect people to give me archive when I ask for it but also let me try and fall and not fix me so I can learn from my mistakes. I expect genuineness and sweetness and respect. 

Clean House

After the gym yesterday I made a quick stop at Target for some household essentials then came home and dedicated the remainder of my day to cleaning. I went from one room to the next cleaning every surface until the whole house was sparkling. I'm not sure what prompted the cleaning spree, but I think it stems from something deeper than a house lacking tidiness.

With all the external stresses in my life lately I think deep cleaning my house was a way of taking control of something that I can make better. My husband recently said that your house is a representation of your mind and how you mentally feel. I think he's onto something because having a clean house makes me feel much more at ease. I feel like my life is a bit more grounded and I have control over things again. 

I also feel a sense of accomplishment. I started dusting, sweeping, wiping, washing dishes, moving furniture, etc. at 1:45 pm and wasn't finished until after 4 pm. I got into the zone and found my groove and was determined not to quit until things were perfect. I saw something through from start to completion and felt like I had accomplished something. 

I feel better about myself and things seem easier when my house is clean and orderly. When things are misplaced or disorganized and clothes are left out and shoes are all over the floor I feel suffocated. My mind mimics the mess in the house and I feel scattered and helpless. 

All the positivity yesterday must have continued into my morning today. I peacefully slept in, watched a heartwarming movie and went to the gym without hesitation. I want to be here running on the treadmill, feeling the sweat dripping down my temples, knowing I'm making a difference in my life. I want to feel the shortness of breath and strain in my calves because it means I'm trying and I'm working towards a better me. 

Man I feel healthy today! I wish every day could feel this electric. 

With A Little Help From My Friends

I got out of bed at 6:30 this morning and went straight to the couch where I stayed in a haze lounging with two dogs watching two movies until I realized I committed to going to the gym and was going to be motivated today. 

I need a motivational pep talk to find motivation! I need a gym buddy or someone to help me stay motivated that I promise to encourage in return. I need someone to help me hold true to my word and stay on track. And I will do the same back.

On the machine directly in front me is this amazon blonde with defined arms jetting out of her toned shoulders. She is tan, flat abdominal muscles, and is very confidently pulling off a pair of tie dyed print spandex running pants and a crop top. She has every reason to be confident and I have every reason to hide in her shadow.

She stands for the dedication and hard work and motivation I desperately am trying to conjure up and hold on to. And the gods honest truth is I really want to see a perfect creation like that as motivation that I can get to that shape as well if I put the time and effort into it, but what really happens is I get discouraged. I get down on myself for looking opposite and for having such a long distance to go. 

It's not her fault I have self esteem issues, I do realize that. I can't criticize her for caring about her body and working hard to look good. She isn't putting in the work to threaten me. And to be honest I don't want the attention from the drooling d-bags staring at bouncing boobs on the treadmill. That isn't my thing. 

I just want the motivation I have to get stronger and last longer. I don't want to take my eye off the end goal and settle for being overweight and out of shape. So I'm doing something I usually never do - I'm asking for help. I need the help of a friend. I need to be surrounded by positivity and people working hard to better their lives to live well, love well, and think well. If you don't have someone to motivate you, I am here. If you don't have someone to promote you working on living a more positive, healthy life, I'm here for you. If you don't have anyone to push you, I'll do it. 

We all need positivity and encouragement, especially with the pace of life and stresses that consume us. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for a little help, especially from a true friend. 

Responsible Adult

It suddenly hit me this afternoon...I am an adult! What?!? When did this happen? I swear I didn't see it coming. When I look in the mirror I still see a kid; visually I am still I my early twenties besides a few laugh lines and bags under my eyes. I don't feel like I thought I would feel when I was an adult. Sure I'm more tired than my younger years and it may take me 5 minutes so sit up in bed in the morning, but I just don't feel like a grown up...except for one thing...responsibility.

When did I get so damn responsible? So unbelievably cautious. When did I become one who calculates risk and assesses outcomes of situations? When did I start playing it safe? 

To get a bit personal here (sorry Tom), my husband and I are going through a very trying time. Two years ago we decided to take a few calculated risks knowing that the next few years were going to be rough and were going to test the strength of our relationship. 

Two years ago I decided to leave my job of five and a half years for a new career on the Westside in a new industry with a new set of responsibilities. While my old job was a tense, toxic place to work, it was routine and mindless and so I got out. I added on a lot of gas money each month to get to the Westside and back in my guzzling American made SUV, but it was well worth the change to a fantastic company with opportunity and value. 

Two years ago my husband decided it was time to officially open his own plumbing company and commit himself 100% to building his business. For a few years he worked half for himself and half for another company and after lengthy discussion we decided it was time to "shit of get off the pot." Pun completely intended.

New job, new business, why not add a new apartment in the beautiful, expensive, beach community of Santa Monica, CA to the mix? In efforts to avoid a one and a half hour commute for me daily and the taxing gas expenditure we packed up our triplex in the valley and high tailed it over to our new place...did I mention rent was $300 more a month? 

So now new job, new business with a second rent for a shop location, new residence, and lastly new car...we traded in the all American SUV for a brand new VW Passat. All these changes were new and exiting and definitely the right decision, but nonetheless very fucking scary.

Our relationship has definitely been put to the test. His plumbing business has luckily been doing very well and he has remained consistently busy with jobs. (Knock on wood...or elliptical machine in my case.) But it still a struggle. Staffing and payroll are a thorn in his side and check runs and delayed payments are hurting us. He is up several times a night in a panic and therefore always tired. He doesn't see his friends anymore and we cannot take time off in fear of the business suffering. It is a 24/7 beast that we can only hope pays off. 

Two rents, bills galore, a mom on disability from a freak fall, two other relatives barely holding on financially, insurance, payroll, vendor payments, taxes, it is all a pressure cooker that is there to worry about daily. We are tested every day to survive and somehow get ahead and to make it through together. Some days are better than others and honestly there are times when the future looks bleak. I just wake up each day and show up and close my eyes each night and hope to have the strength to do the same the next day. Because I'm a responsible adult and that's what adults do.

Mean Girls Mean Nothing

Over the weekend I spent time with a friend and her teenage daughter. Causal conversation about the outcome of her first year in high school turned to a serious conversation about friendships and being betrayed by two very close girlfriends. I listened to her explain how she and two girls were a tight group. They were the three best friends that did everything together. Out of the blue after a day down in San Diego together, the two girls stopped talking to her. They uninvited her from plans the following day and stopped texting/returning calls without reason. Nothing prompted the shunning and no explanation was given.  Are girls really this mean?

It made me reflect on my experience in high school, which definitely had its fair share of drama and run-ins with crazy friendship fallout. But have girls really gotten this bad? The look on her face while explaining the situation was that of extreme sadness and confusion. The thought of her sitting there with tears in her eyes while her two former best friends are out together makes me so angry and makes me want to hold the parents responsible for letting this behavior continue.

A girl at fourteen years of age is an emotional disaster – perpetual poop face, misunderstood, misplaced anger. They lack control of their feelings and are completely irrational thanks to the wonderful development of female hormones. It should therefore be a mother or father’s responsibility to talk with them and guide them to make amends and act better. 

Thinking back to my own high school days I can remember several “mean girls.” Funny enough, several of them are now my Facebook acquaintances. But there were definitely rough times in my school career where I was bullied and treated like an outcast because I was not as “cool” as the other girls. I was a bit of a tomboy – played varsity volleyball, basketball, etc. I went through an awkward phase and had to grow into my features and find my sense of style. I was not “trendy” like the popular girls; I was into grunge with a bit of goth and skater thrown into the mix. 

These “mean girls” used to walk around like they owned the school…and their parents probably did, or at least donated enough money to provide us with the gym or some important part of the building. They acted like royal snobs and stuck together in their incestuous clique, excluding and berating the “lower life forms,” AKA the “nerds.” They were your classic bitches – making fun of intellectual kids or kids who didn’t wear designer clothes. They chastised other girls who had not yet developed or grown into their own skin. Snarky, harsh comments were a constant. There were days that were definitely a living hell and several times I can remember coming home in tears wishing I never had to go back.

But looking at them today, they are nothing special. Some are still the same bitchy girls as they were in high school, still friends with the same people, still judging and living for the limelight. Others are very different – kind, working hard, living on their own, decent people. And everything that happened that hurt me so bad in the past is completely inconsequential now. It is nothing – holds not weight in my life and took no part in forming who I am except maybe making me stronger.
 

But my friend’s daughter is cute. She is not awkward, in fact she is gorgeous. She has perfect hair, is not only in style but sets the trends, and is kind. She has a warm, innocent disposition, is very kind and loves her friends unconditionally. I do not understand why her so called friends would just stop talking to her and act as if all the memories and fun times they shared never happened. Perhaps it is jealousy. Maybe her beauty and stellar personality threatens them and so banding together and shunning her from the group is the only defense they have against their own insecurity. 

It seems like as technology and industry and learning progresses we humans should progress as well. But it is as if kids are progressing in a negative way – they are getting meaner! They have more outlets at their fingertips to mock and ridicule their peers and can make life even worse for those they feel deserve it. Social media is now a tool to publicly humiliate and make others jealous through posting pictures of what they were not invited to. It is completely unfair for these kids to be treated this way and it is ridiculous that parents do not step in and correct this disgusting behavior.

Kids are just that. They should not parent themselves and do not come into this world all-knowing. Parents need to step it up and take more responsibility in terms of educating their children on communication and acceptance. They need to be taught diversity and how to have a compassionate understanding that everyone is unique and that is okay. 

I feel for this girl, but want her to rest assured that in the end when she is thirty and looking back on the past, all this will have no meaning. Everything that hurts so bad right now will hold no ground in her life and will actually seem petty. As much as it hurts right now, just know it is not worth another second of your time and doesn’t deserve another ounce of your energy. Find the group for you and surround yourself with those who push you to excel and celebrate your uniqueness. And know that I love you.

Got Your Back

I really don't know what to write about today. It's been a few days since my last post and I'm still not sure what to write. I feel like a lot is going on around me but nothing that is actually happening to me. Which may be a good thing, or just the calm before the storm.

It seems like right now everyone around me has something they are dealing with; family drama, relationship issues, weight loss struggles, decisions about where to live... But it's not happening to me and unfortunately I can't solve these problems.

I wish I could snap my fingers and make my friends family realize how lucky the are to have each other and then BAM problem solved. Or I could clap my hands and magically a job would appear for my friends husband so they wouldn't have to leave LA. If only I could blink an eye and everyone I know in unhealthy, codependent relationships would have the clarity and courage to move on. If only I was a genie with endless wishes to grant!

I hate seeing people I love hurting or struggling. I don't want to see them fighting for a happy life - they deserve to only know happiness. 

I usually close myself off to friends as a way of protecting myself. I typically don't allow myself to open up enough to connect; to feel love for my friends; to allow them to love me back and really know who I am. I am afraid they will leave as so many have before. I'm afraid of the friendship coming to a close and having to start all over; back to square one and full of distrust. 

I'm not doing that anymore. I love my friends for the unique individuals they are and I learn so much from each and every one of them. They may be here for a year or for the long haul, and either way I won't change how I feel or act. And I won't stop reaching out or being there to go the extra mile. You're in my life got a reason and that is worth a hell of a lot to me.

If I were a genie I would make every ones issues disappear. We would all be successful in life and love. Since I am not, I can only promise to be there for the ones I love as a confidant, shoulder to cry on, getaway driver, accomplice - a true friend. 

But I'd prefer if no one left, thanks! ;) 

It's b'shert!

I was in the middle of writing this whole blog about confidence and shying away from opportunity because of low confidence and fear of failure...but I'm honestly to happy and proud of myself today to finish it!

Saving it for another time, I will instead write about accomplishment and pride and contentment. Man I had a good day. A good day like today is a reset button that cancels out all the shitty ones that came before it. 

A lot of change has been going on at work lately and the environment has been tense and stormy. I have been spending a lot of time focused on this gatefold advertisement for one of the main publications we advertise in. Coming up with the concept and visual story of this one was tough because three ads had to be created and seamlessly flow into one big centerfold/back cover advertisement. It was challenging to say the least.

I think at one point I had 18 drafts of one side of the ad and spent a week straight on revisions. The ad even infiltrated my dreams and intensified my paranoia of spelling and grammatical errors. I ran an ad a few months prior that had a simple spelling error that people proofing and a computer didn't catch and I was not going to let that happen again! 

I put my blood (paper cuts), sweat and tears into that ad and once the final printing proof was approved I was left to anxiously wait for it to run. It ran today. And it looked FUCKING AWESOME! 

I'm going to take a moment here to gratuitously pat myself on the back. I am very proud of my work and everything I put into that. There is a little bit of me in that ad and it reassures me that I have accomplished a hell of a lot. 

I also feel very fortunate to know that the hard work I put into this ad and all the others is noticed and acknowledged and most importantly, I am appreciated. And likewise I know I am very lucky to be given so much support in so many ways. It feels so good to know someone believes in you and that you are an important piece of the machine. 

I ended up at my job on a whim, or so I thought. But I'm starting to view things differently. I was supposed to go through what I went through at my last job to motivate me to look for something else and I ended up at my job now because it was meant to be. I was meant to be working for the company I am at, for the amazing boss I have, with the crazy coworkers I am with, it was all meant to be. I'm one of the lucky ones and I know it! It is b'shert! ;) 

Love Hard

I went to the doctor yesterday to get blood taken. I have been feeling very fatigued lately; actually exhausted. I could sleep 10 hours straight and still feel exhausted. I have been super moody and emotional on top of it, which I attributed to the fatigue and people around me. I have hypothyroidism and figured it was probably the reason for all of it. That is until I noticed the white spot on the back of my tonsil and my swollen gland.

Periodically over the past 3 months my gland would swell and go back down as if I was fighting off an infection. That's when I started worrying I had a terminal illness. Maybe cancer? Maybe something a bit less dramatic but just as possibly terminal? I know...ridiculous!

But I began the vicious cycle of self diagnosing and comparing symptoms to a list of a multitude of terminal diseases... What if I was dying?

I know this is a tough subject for a lot of people, but perhaps given the nature of the environment where I work combined with my dads passing from cancer, it is a subject I can discuss rationally. I started really considering what I would do if I knew the big sleep was right around the corner.

You can calm down, I am not dying. The results came back negative. In fact, I've got perfect cholesterol and my thyroid hasn't changed. No big sleep just yet. But what if I got other news? 

Typically people don't encourage that sort of morbid thought process, but being a control freak I think it's important to consider it and plan. First off, I would continue working. I know you're thinking "yeah yeah yeah, bullshit!" But it's true. I am very happy working and it would absorb my attention distracting me from my end of days. 

Second, I'd stress a hell of a lot less. I wouldn't focus on the bad attitude of a coworker, an insignificant fight with my husband over dirty dishes, or anything else trivial. What would be the point?

Third, I'd spend as much time as possible further building the relationships in my life that mean a lot to me and would put the negative memories of my family and bad friendships completely out of my mind forever. They wouldn't come with me as a memory to my next life. 

Fourth is for family. I would spend time with my husband making sure he knew how much I love him and how much of my life was successful as a result of him. I'd also spend time with my mom righting any wrongs between us, being up front and honest. Neither of us should carry such a heavy heart. 

Fifth, I wouldn't worry about being so restrictive with caloric intake. What would be the fucking point? I'd eat what I enjoy even if its a pizza every night and I would enjoy ice cold Pilsner and Captain Morgan. I would live in the moment because each could be my last. I'd have fun!! 

However, today nor tomorrow are my last. Quite the opposite - I am as healthy as a horse. (Whatever that means?!) But why can't I live as if today or tomorrow could be my last? Someone famous once said that we should... 

I think we should live a more modest, milder version of our happiest last days. I think that is the key to a happy life. I'm not saying go out and quit your job, get bombed, travel and eat like a pig...I'm saying stop every now and then to enjoy life. Let your hair down every now and then with a day playing hooky at the movies. Let yourself have a piece of cake for a special occasion. Enjoy friendships more and love harder. Follow your heart even if it means taking risks. Trust your gut feelings and follow signs. Open up to intuition and be brave; live your life and love hard.

Let You In - Shut Me Out

I have written and erased the start of this blog four times. I don't know why, but I feel like nothing is good enough. I feel like no subject is interesting enough to write about; like nothing I write is worthy. I think I may be projecting.

I have a bit of a heavy heart at the moment and am doing a lot of reflecting these days. That shift I wrote about hasn't changed, in fact it may be worse. I feel like everything is awkward without cause. Like one day out of the blue there was no more of the normal I was used to and awkwardness has become the constant. I miss the normal way of things. Is it me? Did I do something wrong to disrupt the balance of the universe? Sigh.

I'm still me, same old strange, crazy me...right? I may just be a more emotional version with a giant heart full of care and good intentions that I struggle to show the right way. But it's still me. 

Is this interesting yet? Blog worthy? I still don't think so... Is it more interesting when I get personal? I know that the more intimate the information the more we feel like we are special and "in the know", but I struggle. I am torn between wanting to share to not only get it out but to maybe help someone else going through the same thing and the thought that my really personal issues are nobody elses fucking business. 

I am worried that when you read this you will only see me for my flaws; for all the issues I am battling and not for the other parts of me that make me whole. I worry that I will never be the same to you and that my life will seem like a giant complaint. If I truly let you in I hope you don't shut me out. 

This is one of my deepest worries and deepest struggles; and one of the biggest reasons why I try to act like its all okay.

Helping Myself

I am much more motivated today than other Saturdays. I made it to the gym without hesitation and without anyone giving me an extra push. I am responsible for what I do and do not do and if I want to get in shape, look good and feel fabulous it is up to me only me. I can't rely on anyone else to get me here and help me meet my goals - I have to drive myself. 

So here I am, back on this machine, working up a very healthy sweat, thinking about the events of the day to follow. We have this BBQ to attend at a friends new home. There will be a few old friends there and people I've either never met or met once in passing. I am actually a bit nervous. 

Not because of who is going to be there or because of any social awkwardness; because of the unknown emotional response I may have. As I've mentioned in a few other blogs, my 30's have started out with a bit of difficulty in terms of my feelings on the milestones I've hit or rather not hit by this point in my life. I've been feeling a tremendous amount of pressure about being married 5 years and not having a home with a picket white fence and a child. So today, going to the new home of an old acquaintence who is 6 months pregnant and only married one year weighs heavy on my mind. 

It's honestly nothing against them at all; I truly am very happy for them and can really see how happy they both are. It is an insecurity within myself combined with an unreasonable dose of jealousy that I'm dealing with. But that's exactly what I'm doing - dealing with it. 

I figure I'm right in the middle - I do boy have the fairy tale home or the bun in the oven, but I'm also married to a great guy and I'm establishing a successful career while he builds a successful business that is the foundation for our future. I am right in the middle of the spectrum of life and I'm actually happier than I realized. 

It helps to take a step back and gain perspective on each situation. There isn't one prescribed path everyone must take in life. That is a dated way of looking at things. There are more options out there then stay at home mom of three and overworked father. A dual income no kids family dynamic is acceptable too!

As far as my outlook on today, I will go with a heart full of happiness for their success and congratulate them sincerely. And I will remember that for us, all of our mandatory hard work, blood, sweat and tears, will eventually pay off and give us our own version of success. 

Cosmic Shift

Was there some sort of cosmic shift in the universe that I am unaware of? Everything feels off. I feel disconnected from so many people and feel like in a matter of days everything normal has been altered by a force beyond my control.

I know I tend to cycle from Mrs. positive, super charged go getter, hyper puppy mode to sarcastic, subdued and even a bit withdrawn, but this time I know it's not me. I feel it. I can't explain exactly what it is, I just feel uneasiness; things are off. 

I feel it within my own relationships with friends, acquaintances and coworkers. It's as if overnight something happened that altered the dynamics of communication; that put an odd silence in the middle; a heavy seriousness. 

It may be intuition or just coincidence, but I know it is something and I don't like feeling like this. I understand we all go through our own emotional shifts and completely respect that process for everyone. I just find it hard not to take things personally even though I try. 

I know I'm basically whining like a little baby because things aren't "fun" right now and because my world just seems off and I don't like it...but dammit I don't like it!

I think what really bothers me about it all is not having reason or explanation for the sudden shift in personalities. It just happened abruptly. Did I do something wrong? Have I offended people? 

I am no more special than the next person and am not owed an explanation just because I want one. This is one of the hard parts about being a grown up. I can handle responsibility any day. Throw expectations my way and I've got it covered. But not knowing the reason for something being a certain way or feeling disconnected and not sure why is another story. 

I wish people would just acknowledge the shift and vocalize when they need space or use their words to express their feelings of disconnect in a constructive way. I'm a big girl for the most part and can handle it. Sure I may not like what I hear and likewise you might not either, but it's better than pretending nothing is wrong. 

At least it is Friday. A weekend does everyone good and I can only stay positive that the universe will sleep off the cosmic shift and energy will be restored to normal in the new week to come. 

Change It Up

I think a lot about different topics to write about and things that would be issues that anyone reading this could relate to. (I'm still shocked people actually follow this blog!) A topic on my mind is change. Change is a multifaceted topic for which I have many thoughts.

I look at change as something inward and something outward. It is something that is done and something one must work at. It is something one must accept. 

I hate change initially, but I realize it's healthy. With life constantly evolving change is inevitable. I know it's a challenge, but you have to break out of your pattern and change it up.

I've faced change in terms of my friendship circle. I've dealt with the change of my family dynamic. I've changed personally as far as what I want out of my life, my relationship, my career...I've grown and have learned that everything needs adjusting as time goes on. 

A big area that requires work and change is relationships. If you are in a relationship and have a partner unwilling to change, get out. This is your only option. A relationship is work and requires constant examination, learning, growth and CHANGE! It doesn't work when your partner is unwilling to do anything differently: when they only have one way of thinking and are not flexible to try anything beyond that. That just doesn't work and all you'll get out of that is a crabby, miserable life in the same emotional spiral over and over again expecting a different result.

Change is also required when dealing with life's lemons. Quick change in fact. You never know what crazy shit may head your way, so be ready to change. 

I am not sure if you know this about me or not, but I am constantly self examining and looking for areas of improvement. I put out a cynical, sarcastic front but on the inside I'm a deeper person. I am more positive than I present outwardly and am always trying to tweak things about myself that require tweaking. I truly believe in being the best version of yourself or at least working towards it. 

I try to understand and accept change that is necessary in my life. I try to change my way of thinking or my approach to issues to better my relationship. I work on my own issues of self loathing and lack of confidence in an effort to change into a more positive, successful person. I try to change my inner voice when she is overly critical or harsh without cause.

I think most importantly is having those in your life also willing to do the work and change. I don't want stagnant, miserable people in my life bringing me down. If I try and cannot help them I must help myself by moving on, friends and family included. No one deserves people in their lives who bring them down; life is hard enough without that. 

So get out there and change it up. Stir the pot of your life, find the fucking motivation deep in your core, remember the fantastic person you are and keep in mind the people who do encourage you to change for the better and do it! You are never alone unless you choose to be. 

Have a great 4th of July! 

Judgement Day

I absolutely love people watching. I think it's so much fun to make up a story about who each person is; where they come from, where they are going, their personality traits. I get a lot of good people watching time in at the gym. I have started to notice some definite character traits in people that lead to my assumption of what type of person they must be.

Take the girl on the rowing machine. She has her straight brown shoulder length hair pulled back tightly in a low ponytail. She is wearing a gray tank top and back leggings with some generic Nike running shoes on her feet. With every pull of the rowing bar into her body she stares intensely into her reflection in the mirror, grunts audibly, and checks out her form. She is a perfectionist. She does the same thing with every pull, rigidly moving back and forth, always checking herself in the mirror. She has a decent body that she clearly works on with regularity, but she thinks she is way hotter than she truly is. She must be a perfectionist: a goody goody; a total kiss ass. 

And then there is the middle-aged man in the Superman t-shirt. I'd say he is about 45, jet black evenly cut generic hair, lean body type, with a purposeful five o'clock shadow. He meticulously wipes down the treadmill for several minutes before getting on. Once on the machine he spends a considerable amount of time adjusting it to the most perfect workout. Alas ten minutes later his workout begins. He screams control freak! Everything in his life is done on purpose and is strictly controlled. He is wound up tight, a cautious Carl, probably an accountant. 

Lastly there is the belly dancing elliptical woman. She is definitely of Middle Eastern decent although she will tell you she's an exotic American. She is a curvy woman built like a tube of toothpaste, wearing a neon pink sports bra which she is pouring out of (not in a good way) and light gray leggings that have a sweat line accentuating her ass crack. She has dark brown, sloppy hair that is all over the place, basically one eyebrow, and a five o'clock shadow on her armpits. Did I mention she is dancing on the elliptical? Yes...you read correctly. She has her arms up in the air and is doing her rendition of the "sexy dance" while trying to feel the burn. Miss thang is rubbing her hands up and down the sides of her body while shaking her booty in some out of sync rhythm. She thinks she is the hottest woman in the gym. She wants every eye on her and is really working it in her mind. She is a hot mess. A sloppy, disheveled, smelly, hairy mess begging for a makeover on the style network's What Not To Wear. 

I sound like a total bitch, right? I'm sure I've offended several of you reading this right now... I have very harshly judged these innocent strangers whom I know nothing about...and I am probably wrong about all of it. But it begs the question, shouldn't you always put your best foot forward? You never know who is judging you or who you will meet, so why not put a little effort in yourself? Why not work on your outward appearance, both physical and emotional? I don't think it's conceited to dress to impress as long as it is within reason. You should be aware of how you represent yourself, the attitude you display and how you look. Not because of assholes like me unfairly casting judgement, but because you care  about you. 

Lastly - sorry for offending. You won't always like what you read ;) 

Share!!

I've been asked a few times how I can be comfortable writing so openly and have been commended for putting it all out there so publicly in this blog. I have been told by several people that they have shared many of the same fears or feelings I've written about and haven't been able to share it before reading my blog. I am very humbled and honored that my writing and sharing of my experiences have meant something to people. But I also say to them...share!

Of course it's not easy to open up and share the intimate fears and struggles of your life, especially in such a public forum. But your struggles, fears, frustrations, sadness, disappointments, whatever may be plaguing you must come out. It is not only unhealthy to ball everything up into a painful supernova of negative emotion, but you should have people in your life you genuinely trust that you can allow in and help you. 

Chances are if someone is close to you and willing to lay it all on the line and let you in, you are able to do the same. I have very few people in my life that I have allowed to see the true person I am, every side to me, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a few people close enough to me to know how much I care, how truly sensitive I am, how hard I love, and how guarded I come across. 

I have made a serious effort to allow myself to trust enough to share who I am and what I am feeling. More people need to do this - let someone trying to help in, shed the tough skin and be upfront about your woes. We all have good days and shitty days, sometimes more shitty than good. But if someone lets you help them, tear down your wall and let them help you back. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is okay to feel and alright to let people in. I just wish more people would do the same. 

And also related to letting out your feelings, I have been thinking a lot about personal responsibility for our emotions and what we allow to get us down in the first place. Most of us do not seem to be aware of how much our moods affect others close to us. I am guilty of this and am trying to be more aware of how my actions or emotions affect others.

I've also realized that I have control over who I let put me in a bad mood or hurt me. It's amazing how much better life is when you realize this. You can fight me, yell, scream, jump up and down, try to push me around, get jealous, act a fool, do whatever you wish; but you are not going to get me down or break my stride. It's not worth letting my whole day turn to shit because of someone elses emotions. 

I can only control and be responsible for my own feelings and actions. I can only live my life focusing on my own fears and feelings, letting in those close to me to help me along the way. And I really need to remember not to take myself so damn seriously!

It's Never Too Late My Ass

Back to my previous entry A Big Regret, I have made some bad choices that have left a negative impact on my future. For the first time in my life I am really feeling the consequences of my choices. I wish I could go back and stop myself in my tracks and reset my way of thinking to make the right decision.

I started thinking back to my past choices and what I could do now to rectify some of the wrong decisions I made and realize it is so hard, basically impossible to do some of the things I should have done before. The saying "it's never too late" is a farce! It's a lofty, positive way to make your bad decisions less painful to stomach, but honestly it is too late to do certain things now.

My choice to quit school was stupid. Listen up future leaders and decision makers - go to fucking college! It is not only vital to your future success but why struggle when you don't have to? Get your dumb asses to school! You WILL regret it if you don't. I do. It really is too late to go back; I am too busy with work; have too many other bills to pay; have a family to worry about. The school ship has sailed.

Here is another stupid one...my choice to spend almost all of my 20's making money and spending it faster than it came in on alcohol and having fun with friends. Sure I had a blast; I made some really great memories of silly nights, went on a few trips, saw a handful of rock shows. But they were all moments, nothing that was really beneficial to my future. I have nothing to show for it except some funny pictures and a few stories to tell. But the choice to blow all our money going out is why we are struggling so hard right now. And friends who partied with us then who did manage to get ahead and are more successful now had help from family. It is too late - I cannot go back and erase what has been done. I can't go back and get the money back or change my decisions. I can only move forward from here on out, which I have been doing for several years now, but I will always be playing catch up.

My father used to say to my grandma "Erin will get there, she just has to do things her way on her terms, have patience with her." While I am kind of offended because it makes me sound slightly "special", it is sadly true. I do things the way that makes sense for me, when I am ready, when I decide its time. This way of living is detrimental. I used to think it was admirable and showed maturity or determination. It doesn't. It is stupid and holds you back. There will always be people smarter than you, with more experience or education, that can help guide you if you let them. So let them! If someone tells you to stay in school because you will regret it and will struggle, it's true so listen! If someone shows you an easier way to do something try it their way; it will most likely work and save you a hell of a lot of trouble! 

I have learned lessons from my bad choices, which is the only reason I am not more bitter or filled with more self anger and disappointment. I have learned, albeit the hard way, and have been able to make much better, more responsible choices as a result.